Letting go

The more and more I think about this, the more depressed I become. How do you just walk away from something when it's all you've ever wanted?

I'm sitting here trying to learn how to let go of wanting to try for a baby, of wanting to plan a wedding, of pretty much everything that I've ever wanted out of life. I'm doing all of this while also trying to figure out why my life took such a drastic turn and how I let my happiness become contingent upon things that I had previously convinced myself would never happen.

When Bryan left I was certain that I would never find love again, that I would never get married and have the babies that I longed to hold. Josh came and changed all that, I found myself in love and believing in forever. Then everything came to a screeching halt and here I am trying to figure out how to get things going again. But I can't because the things I want have to be the things that he wants, and he's not sure what he wants right now. The only thing he's really sure of is that he loves me and wants to be with me, but he's no longer sure when he wants kids or to get married.

It's frustrating. I got to call him my fiancé for all of 3 weeks then nothing. Then back to the beginning we go and I'm once again wondering if forever is real, if I'll ever hold a child of my own in my arms, if I'll ever get to walk down the aisle with my dad to the man of my dreams.

How do I let go of my dreams when they're all I've ever wanted?

Happy for you, sad for me

So I've been thinking of how to get this out, it's been said by many other people before me, but I'm not sure that my friends and family really see that it applies to me. My life feels like it's been thrown into a blender and I'm trying to put all the pieces back together. It's working slowly, but it's working. But I need everyone to be patient with me, especially when you share happy news.

I need you to know that when I say that I am happy for you, I truly am happy for you, but at the same time whatever happy news you may have (wedding, engagement, buying a house, getting pregnant, having a baby) breaks my heart just a little bit. Seeing happy updates on house hunting, birth announcements, belly pics, pregnancy announcements, they all simultaneously make me super happy and incredibly sad. 

But I'm not sad because I'm jealous, I'm not sad because I'm unsupportive, I'm sad because my dreams haven't come true yet and all I've ever known is loss. 

• You post your engagement or marriage. I recently ended my engagement to Mr. Right after only 3 weeks. I had my dress, date, venue all picked out, but then it was over and now I'm left trying to stitch our relationship back together. I'm left waiting and wondering if we'll get there again.

• You post your purchase of a house. Mine fell through twice and I'm no where near trying again.

• You post your birth announcement, belly shots, pregnancy announcement. I've lost every pregnancy I had, I fought my Dr and my body for 16 months only to have to go back on birth control with no idea when I'll ever be able to try again. And if I'm able to try again I'm not sure that I'll ever be pregnant again, I'd give anything for those symptoms you complain about if it meant I'd get to have a living child.  

• You post your first day of school photos. I'm left wondering what my son would've done on his first day of school. Instead I had to say hello and goodbye in the same breath. I'm left wondering what Declan and Alainn would've done at school, what silly things would they say, would they like school or would they cry to be away from mommy?

So please don't take my silence or failure to like your status update as my not being supportive of your happy news. I am truly and genuinely happy for you that your dreams are coming true and I'll be there for you all no matter what, I always have been and I always will be. But I'm sad that all the dreams that I have, are still just dreams. They're still just something I wonder if I'll ever have and that breaks me into so many tiny pieces that I'm not sure I'll ever be whole again. 

My nightmare

Depression is a nightmare. It's like a mold that you can't get rid of and keeps growing back even though you've tried basically everything except for burning the house down. It's some how able to get into every crack and grow, breeding doubt and negativity like a wildfire. If you think depression only effects the person who owns the diagnosis you're wrong, depression attacks everyone remotely close to the afflicted. Depression might not be contagious, but it touches everyone. It's the reason why my life is the way that it is right now.

I live with depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I have nightmares, panic attacks for no reason, and I have days where I can't get out of bed to do anything more than go to the bathroom. Lately I haven't really even wanted to eat. I don't even get hungry. I just want to sit in bed and mess around with my Facebook games or chat with my friends on Babycenter. Somedays I don't even want to chat with my BBC friends.

I was medicated for a while and things were better, I made sure that I was on a high enough dose for it to work, but not so high that I was a happy zombie. I found a medication that worked and the only reason I got off of it was because my Dr didn't like the idea of me being on it if I got pregnant. With everything going on lately and how I've been feeling I started doing some digging and found out that it's actually the safest med to be on while pregnant. I could've stayed on my meds. Maybe then I wouldn't be the mess that I am today, but you know hind sight is 20/20.

I'm really hoping that the VA lets me stay on the medication that I was on before and doesn't try to change anything. I just want to go with what I know works, something that made me feel so much better before. Because without the meds the only thing that keeps the monsters at bay is Josh. He's like a flashlight for my head. He silences my demons. Let's me know I'm being silly when I start to freak out. He's so supportive and patient with me, I'm not sure what I ever did to deserve him. We video chatted two days ago, texted last night, and for the first time since this whole mess started I got a nightmare free sleep. It was a nice reprieve from the dark dreams. Dreams of loss and being left in the dark empty room where I feel ominous eyes watching me and waiting. If I'm lucky when I wake the feeling goes away, but most days I'm not lucky.

Oh what a difference a day can make

I sit here typing in an empty room wondering how the hell everything flipped on its head....again. Once again I find myself on the brink of being single. I don't know what he's going to choose, I mean I do, but I'm still trying to hold on to some type of hope that he'll be back because he promised to give it thought until he got back from Portland. But I knew, last night as he held me, as he kissed me this morning, it felt like goodbye. Monday he was contacting friends to be his groomsmen and today he's packing up all of his things and leaving. I'm not sure if it's permanent or if it's temporary, but I do know that I'll need to dig deep and find strength either way. If he comes back can I trust that he'll stay?

I can understand why he's running even if he doesn't. It all became too much to handle and instead of talking to me about it he let it all build up and turn into this. It's my fault for trying to do too many things at once. I mean it was even a lot for me to deal with! Trying to have a baby, buy a house, and plan a wedding all at the same time was giving me anxiety. Top that off with him being treated with less than the respect he deserves by my own brother and BAM! Perfect storm of heartbreak.

So here I sit, listening to the whirl of the ceiling fan, wondering if he'll be back and wondering if I'll see those 2 lovely lines next week. Because on top of everything I could be pregnant. With the way my luck is I won't be, but you never know. We had great coverage, I had 2 strong positive days of OPKs followed by a strong ovulation pain, and my temp is looking amazing. So I'm sitting here wondering if I'm going to end up a single mom. I know I can do it, I have lots of help from family and friends, I know Josh will be involved. But I'm not telling him right away. I know that makes me sound like a mega bitch, but honestly if I told him right away he'd come back. He'd do the right thing and give his kid a two parent household and then over the years he'd grow to resent me, then I'd grow to resent him because I'd know he wasn't in the relationship because he wanted to be with me, so in the end we'd be right where we are now. So I'm going to wait.

If it came down to it, if he comes back, I'd be willing to put EVERYTHING on hold and start getting back to doing the things that we used to do. I'd help my brother and his girlfriend get their own place so Josh and I can get back to being only us. It was pretty nice when it was only us and we had a lot of fun. I think, if given the chance, we could get back to that pretty easily because he says that he still loves me and that's really the only base you need.

So instead of getting upset that he didn't tell me he was grabbing all of his things, instead of blowing up his phone with calls and texts, instead of having other people do the same thing, I'm going to sit in this quiet room and take everything day by day and hope for fucking best.

I hate the wait!

I hate hate hate the two week wait. I wish there was a way to know right away whether or not I'm pregnant a few days after I ovulate. As Monday grows closer I just want to hide myself away with a bottle of wine and a crate full of brownies, because as Monday grows closer I'm reminded that I should have an almost 4 year old and an almost 6 year old. And because I'm in the two week wait I have to refrain from drinking the wine that is calling my name. I really hope this the last two week wait that I have to endure. I'm testing Monday, I'll be 9 DPO, and I'm really hoping that I'll finally get my rainbow.

A missing piece

I realized a bit ago that I haven't posted in a while, then I thought about what to write because it's been much of the same crap. I'm on clomid round 3, CD 16 waiting for FF to give me those elusive cross hairs.

Then I realized what I needed to really talk about.

Today while I was sitting in church listening to pastor talk about what it means to be a member of the church I felt this sudden desire to be baptized. Now I'm not one to shove my faith down anyone's throat. I know I rarely talk about my relationship with God because of how rough it's been. For a long time I struggled with my faith. I was very very angry at God after losing Declan, after my second miscarriage, after Bryan left me for someone else. I struggled with wondering if God really loved me or if I was being punished for some unknown crime against Him. I felt broken and betrayed by God for everything that I had been through.

Finally my really good friend and fellow angel mommy Kristi persuaded me to go to church with her, the sermon that day was about how much God loves us. I was in tears the entire time pastor spoke. I made Kristi promise that she hadn't talked to pastor about me and she didn't. What happened was God was telling me what I needed to hear. That he loved me, no matter what, and that day I let Him in, and accepted him into my heart.

After Kristi left and I moved to Seattle I once again struggled to find my place. Then I found Josh, I found love, and I found the will to try again. Then I found out the heartbreak that is infertility. During our long struggle with trying to have a baby I started to feel that something was missing from my life. I felt a strong desire to go back to church, I searched and searched online for a church that I could go to, but it wasn't long after I started searching that I got a call from Kristi that she's coming back to WA and they're going to be working within the church that she'd gotten me to go to before. I felt it was yet another sign from God and decided to go back, this time Josh joined me.

After our first Sunday I asked Kristi how do I become a real member of the church, she started telling me things to do, but the real thing that spoke to me was the sermon the next time we went, it was all about how to be a good church member. It amazed me, every question I asked felt like it was being answered. And today as I sat there listening to the final sermon on how to be a church member did God speak to me again. That when I come to God, when I pray, I can't exert my will, I have to ask for HIS will to be done. It was then I knew that I needed to be baptized, I needed to fully surrender myself and give my heart and my troubles to God. So on August 2nd at Calvary Baptist Church, I will be baptized. This decision has made me feel as though a piece that was missing has been found. I know that I have a long ways to go, but I feel that I am on the right path and I can't wait to see what this new chapter in my life brings.

Unfair

I am so tired. I got a tooth pulled today and took a Vicodin for the pain. Taking the med made me incredibly sad, why you ask? Because you're not supposed to take that medication while you're pregnant, I am not pregnant and am allowed to take it which makes me sad. I just want to be pregnant. But it's like the universe is laughing at me, I look at Facebook and just feel like crying at all the pregnancy announcements, there's a new feature that shows you everything you posted on that day up to like 6 years ago. Do you know what I posted 4 years ago today? My pregnancy announcement for Alainn, then less than a month later I am having to un-tell everyone. It fucking sucks.

So I'm in the two week wait, waiting for fertility friend to confirm my ovulation by giving me cross hairs, I got the positive OPKs and temp dips, but my rise is happening slowly. I don't really know why, maybe it's because I got my hopes up too high last cycle, but I don't feel like I'm going to be getting my BFP this time around. I am really hoping that I do, because then my due date would be around Stephen's birthday and I would love the tribute to him. But at the same time I just know it's not going to happen. I've pretty much felt this way since day 3 of the clomid RX. I wish this was easier, I wish the people that got pregnant easily were the ones that actually wanted to be that way. This whole process is incredibly unfair and I'm really starting to have another crisis of faith.

It's always maybe

I don't even know where to begin with this. I got myself so excited and happy, but then something clicked a few days ago that this will not be the cycle I'll see those two lovely lines. This won't be the cycle that gets me my ever sought after take home rainbow. I wasn't sure if it was just a defense mechinism that my brain decided to deploy because I was so close to the end of my arduous two week wait. My fears of a true BFN have almost certinly been confirmed, I started spotting a little yesterday, a little more this morning, a temp dive, and pretty much continuous cramping today. I've given up hope for this cycle even though AF is still a few days away. Something in me just knows.

In the past few days there have been at least 4 BFPs in four of the five groups that I'm very active in, though I'm extremely happy for these ladies, it makes me incredibly sad for me. I've been trying so hard for so long and to see others get what I've longed for and was so close to getting almost 6 years ago just breaks me on the inside. Jealousy is ugly I know, but it's not quite jealousy. It's more of me just wondering when I'll get to stop trying? When will I get to have what I've longed for my entire life? Last night I posted my genuine congrats to a fellow angel mommy who posted her BFP and then collapsed into Josh's lap and sobbed. I feel broken, I feel like a failure. This is my one job as a woman, to carry a child, to create life, give my boyfriend a son to carry on his last name, and I can't seem to be able to do it!

All of this, all of it should be made easier by my Dr, but nope. You would think my Dr would see my back to back anovulatory cycles and take immediate action, nope she made me wait. Then once she finally takes action you would think maybe then she'd do everything in her power to get me pregnant, nope again. I've got to wait longer each time even though there are effective and proven ways to make this happen. I have to go through so much and have to fight my Dr so hard just to get pregnant. I am so very very grateful that I'm a veteran and that I don't have to deal with this woman once I finally get pregnant. When I finally get pregnant I'll then be allowed to choose where I want to go for treatment. I've almost 100% chosen Swedish because of it's proximity to Josh's work, but Tacoma General would be much closer to where we're going to be living. Guess I have time to figure that out now.

So now I'm just waiting for AF to show her ugly face, I guess I still have a few days to hope she doesn't show up. Maybe the spotting was implantation and I'll see a BFP in a day or two. Maybe. It's always maybe. Someone needs to invent a device that lets you know right away if you're pregnant or not a few days after you ovulate, that would be so much easier than 2 weeks of wondering if you can safely have that beer or nah I've got a bun in the oven beer wouldn't mix well with the recipe. 

This is taking forever

I finally got to start the clomid. I took CD5-9 as directed and started testing with OPKs on CD10. I finally got to see the line darken and go to almost positive on the CD12 and 13. Temp dip indicated that I actually ovulated on CD14. So here I am CD18 and 4DPO. The wait is killing me. I want to test so badly, but I know it'll just be a BFN. I wouldn't be able to see anything until I'm at least 12DPO which is NEXT Sunday. I know it's only a week, but I've been waiting for a take home baby for almost 6 years now. Having to wait a whole other week feels like an eternity.

I spoke with my Dr yesterday and thanks to the positive OPK she's decided that keeping me on 50mg of clomid is the best course of action for now. She's also finally in agreement that I very likely have a mild case of Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. Although I'm happy that I've finally got a diagnosis and a reason to why my body doesn't want to get pregnant, I am also upset that it took her this long to believe that there IS something wrong with me. I've had signs of PCOS since October and this whole time that I was fighting her to do something was unnecessary. She should've done something months ago, then maybe instead of waiting to pee on a stick I could be waiting to deliver my rainbow baby. It's just not fair that she put me through all those months of heartache and disappointment.

But that's okay, because now I'm halfway into the 2 week wait and really excited to see those two pink lines.

Someday

Pretty much all of our lives we've been told that sex makes babies. If you have sex unprotected just once you'll get pregnant. That's what they've stressed to us through out middle school and high school and even while I was in the Marines. During our weekly weekend safety briefs we would always be told to use protection unless we wanted to add another dependent to our records. I quickly found out when Bryan and I started TTC for Declan that it wasn't the case. I found out that sometimes it can take a while. When you're younger than 30 it can take up to 6 months to almost a year before you can get pregnant and you only have a 15% chance of getting pregnant each month, then you have a 1 in 6 chance of making it through the first trimester, then your chances get better, but by no means is there such thing as a safe zone.

With that being said yes I know I'm only 30, but I'm dealing with irregular periods and no obvious signs of ovulation. This makes me infertile Mertle. This makes it to where just having sex and tracking my cycles aren't going to equal baby for me. I thought perhaps after the HSG I would have a miracle BFP and of course I got my hopes up way way too far because here I am super exhausted on CD 2 wishing I hadn't spent so much on those damn HPTs. I hate stupid long cycles.

So yeah CD 2 means that I will have to take the clomid in 3 days. That means that I have an increased chance at conception because I will for sure ovulate and I have a 10% chance at having twins. The really scary part here is that if I'm successful on the first round I'll have another February due date. It's mildly terrifying to know that I'll be going through almost the exact same timeline that I went through  with my miscarriage. I sit here staring at the packet of pills wondering if all of this crap is worth it. Then I remember the dream that I had (a first of it's kind) where I was snuggling a baby that I actually gave birth to, he was mine and mine alone, and I woke up not feeling sad like I had expected to, but feeling like maybe just maybe I'll actually have that happen. Someone will look at the adorable little squishy chunky baby in my arms and comment on their cuteness, and I'll be able to respond like a proud momma.

Someday everything that I've been though will be worth all of this pain. So on the days I feel terrible, I just need to remember that dream and keep holding on to someday.....

A place to call home

I had been house hunting for a few months when my real estate agent told me about a place that fit all my criteria and was close to Seattle. I saw the photos online and was very excited to see it in person, but when I did I fell in love with the house. 4 bedrooms, 2 full bathrooms, 1800 square feet, nice sized yard, garage, gazebo with a hot tub. It was perfect. I got with the lender I had been working with and started the process of getting the pre-approval letter. I started getting to work on all the things he said that I needed in order to get the final approval. I drained my savings, paid things off, and waited for it all to post to my credit so that we could close on the house. That's when we started having problems with the lenders. They were dragging their feet, instead of requesting a rapid rescore, they wanted things to update naturally, well some things take longer than others and that combined with the underwriters not liking my part-time job (even though it's responsible for less than 1/4 of my income) resulted in my not getting a loan. I changed lenders, the new guy is telling me he can make the loan work, I need to do a few more things, he'll do a rapid rescore, but he needs 30 more days added to the closing date. Thanks to the old lenders we had already needed to extend once, so the sellers of the home refused to extend again unless I paid their lot rent for the month of May. Since the seller of the land was refusing to pay closing costs and I was paying more money to fix things, we decided it was just too much and moved on to looking for a new home. I'm currently waiting for my earnest money back. It sucks I really liked that house.

So this past week has been filled with looking at house after house via my agent and redfin. I would find a house I like, but it wouldn't go VA, he'd send me a house that would, but it'd be too small. I am trying to get a house that I can live in forever and a 2 bedroom won't cut it. I got a new email that had a 2 bedroom, really nice outside, the difference between this one and the others is that the basement is partially furnished and adds almost 1000 more square feet to the house. I can live with that. Then last night I was browsing again and saw a new listing. I've fallen in love with the photos, then fell even deeper when I saw it'll go VA. It's a 4/5 bedroom 2 bathroom house with a large yard and 2 car garage. I can't wait until 430. We set up a showing for this weekend. I just really hope that the houses don't let me down, I need a place to call home and raise my rainbow babies.

Finally something!

Finally Dr Do Nothing has agreed to do SOMETHING!!

I tried to call her with Josh's test results yesterday, but she was out of the office. I tried again this morning and had to leave another message with the nurse. She finally called me back this afternoon. 

She told me how the HSG results were normal and I told her that Josh's SA came back normal and that I'm still getting negative OPKs. She then said, "With the normal test results from your boyfriend and HSG combined with your lack of positive OPK I do believe you're not ovulating and feel comfortable moving forward with clomid." 

I kind of wanted to be snarky and say, "Well No Shit, I've been using these damn OPKs for 6 months now and haven't seen a single one of them turn positive" but I decided to be nice since she's finally doing something helpful. She told me that in order to get the actual prescription that I need to have a pelvic exam done so I made an appointment for Tuesday at 3 PM.

I'm so excited for this appointment. My wonderful friend Maggie thinks I'm already pregnant though so we'll see if I even need the clomid now, but I'll at least have it for when AF decides to show up. 

Oh I think I should tell you why lovely Maggie thinks I am prego already. My temp has actually done something, I might be having O or implantation spotting, and my OPKs are still negative, but have lines on them. So I'm either pregnant right now or having a really late ovulation or AF is teasing me. Either way unless she shows up test day is May 1st. 

In other news I finally got a 100% answer on the house for the lender. It's a no because they don't like that my job is part time, even though I've got more than enough income to pay the bills. However, though I'm upset I can't move in next week, I have found backup lending and will be moving forward with another company altogether. They've pretty much promised a yes as long as my credit score jumps 13 points. I wish they could just use the highest score available instead of the middle score, my life would be so much easier. ugh. So the upside is that I might still be able to get my house, but the downside is it might take another month, so we're all stuck in this crappy apartment with shitty neighbors for at least 30 more days. I really need this house to go through. 

I will die of happiness overload if I end up getting a rainbow BFP and the house I want in the same month though. It'll be the best thing to happen to me in years!!

I guess we'll see what happens though. Until then, I just got more OPKs and I gotta tinkle ;-) 

Just relax it'll happen

Infertility is a disease. It's not something that can just get better when you relax. Something that gets better when you relax is a bowel movement or a headache NOT infertility. My ovaries will not suddenly say "oh this bitch finally relaxed let's start doing our job." That's not how this works, it's not how any of this works, and although the person who says "just relax" may be trying to help, it's actually really insulting. I tried relaxing, for the first 6 months I was actually pretty relaxed. I tried not to freak out that my periods were a little wonky or that I would randomly bleed in the middle of my cycle. My Dr said it was normal so I didn't freak out. I did however start to freak out when I randomly out of no where have a 44 day cycle. I think I spent over $100 on pregnancy tests, because why else would my period be THAT late. Since then it's been anyone's guess as to when AF will show up.

If stress was the cause of my irregular periods then why did it just start messing with my life now? Why didn't I have irregular periods when my ex was mentally and physically abusing me for 8.5 years? Why did my period shoot right back to where it was after each loss or when I moved or when my ex finally left or when I was so broke that I couldn't afford to eat and lost 30 pounds in 3 months?

I honestly and whole hearted believe that my problems are caused by the birth control that I was on. My body has never responded very well to birth control. I gained weight on Mirena, I was on it for a little under a year until Josh and I started talking kids so I switched to Paraguard so that I can start tracking my periods. Well my period was so intense and heavy that I had to stop after 5 months. Since then my period hasn't been the same. No matter how much I "relax"

I have been through more stress in my life than what I'm going through now. The crap that I've been through lately pales in comparison to the stress that I've been through in my life, so telling me to relax won't help because it's not the root cause of my issues.

Declan Bear

I recently discovered a place that makes custom teddy bears that are the same weight of your baby. They're made for those who have experienced loss. So that we finally have something to hold onto. I ordered mine last week and my Declan bear got here yesterday. I was so excited when the box arrived. I opened the box with the same anticipation as a kid on Christmas and as soon as I got him in my arms I burst into tears. I immediately was thrown back into that hospital room holding my handsome boy. 7 pounds 10.2 ounces. I missed holding him so much. I forgot what it felt like and now I have something to snuggle whenever I want.

Although my bear will never replace what I lost, but just having him has been so very helpful. I just can't put him down. I held him all day while I watched tv and yes I even slept with him. It's the best I've slept in a really long time.

I'm so very glad that I got my Declan Bear and I am sad that the creator of Alexa Bears has suffered the same fate that I had with my little boy, but I am so very thankful for her willingness to make these bears. Without her I wouldn't have been able to hold my darling boy in my arms one more time. Without her I would only be able to hold him in my memory. I have always felt so guilty for not holding Declan longer than I did and now I can feel like I am holding him again. <3

Bunny in my chart and "Internet" friends

For anyone who is actively TTC then you know what charting means. For those that don't know then I'll explain. Basically it means that I'm tracking certain data daily. I take my basal body temperature every morning, I check my cervical mucus (yup gross) throughout the day, and I track my OPK results, my pregnancy test results, and yes even when I do the baby dance. All the information gets logged daily on my Ovia app and my Fertility Friend chart. All this information helps me figure out if my body is doing what it's supposed to. Of course I've come to learn that it is not.

Recently I made a change from temping orally to temping vaginally (yup gross again) in hopes that I'd end up with a more stable temps. However it seems that this is not going to be the case for me.

Apparently the easter bunny has decided to visit my chart because this isn't supposed to happen. Typically a temp will dip the day of ovulation and will stay up for 3 solid days. The 3 day rise is key for confirming ovulation. I've never gotten the 3 day rise. I started solidly tracking my BBT last month. But I've been tracking my OPKs since October and those haven't ever given me a positive either. Little miss bitch aunt flow decided to come a whole week early and even left a day earlier than usual, which confuses my cycle trackers because it's literally a guess as to when she's going to be making her monthly visit. It freaking sucks. 

My Dr refuses to listen to me, refuses to believe that I'm now part of the infertile club. Stupid Dr. Do Nothing wants me to just keep using my OPKs and see what happens. I'll tell you what's going to happen. I'm going to keep getting Big Fat Negatives every month. I'm not going to magically get pregnant. If sex was enough I promise I would be pregnant so many times, but it's not and I don't know how to get her to listen to me. I don't know how to deal with the fact that my body doesn't do what it's supposed to and I don't know how to deal with people that keep getting pregnant without trying and then giving me advice (FYI if you're only having sex to get pregnant and you're not doing anything that I'm doing in order to get pregnant then you aren't actually trying). I just don't know how to deal with any of this really. 

Add to all this the fact that I'm trying to buy a house and graduate from school and you find me being unable to get out of bed and unable to really really smile. 

I'm trying to keep my hopes up. I'm trying to keep from going insane. But I feel alone. I feel broken.

Honestly the only thing that is keeping me sane is that I finally have somewhere to turn. I finally found people to talk to that know what I'm going through, that know how this hopelessness feels, they know how it feels to lose as I have lost, they know how scary it is to keep trying again and again, month after month, BFN after BFN. I've been a member of a few support groups on Baby Center, but none have made me feel home like the monthly TTC thread on the Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Support group. These ladies are my saving grace. Don't get me wrong, I have a loving supportive boyfriend and family, but they don't understand the struggle like these ladies do. These ladies are the ones that keep me trying, keep me from giving up. I can say anything to them, talk about Declan and my angel Àlainn (who used to be nameless but thanks to Maggie ;) has a name. It means lovely in Gaelic). They inspire me and help me keep hope alive. They offer "hugs" and support whenever I need it and I always feel welcome. They never judge my POAS addiction (because we're all POASaholics) I've never in my life had such a support system and I am so very thankful to have "met" each and everyone of these wonderful, beautiful, amazing, lovely, women. 

I love you all ladies and I can't wait until we're all sporting big pregnant bellies and have houses full of rainbows. 

I kind of hate today now

So I was having a pretty amazing very lazy day with Josh. We stayed in bed all day binge watching The Big Bang Theory and I was a pretty happy girl all day. Then my mom called. My grandfather who lives a little over an hour away is in the hospital. They're keeping him sedated while they monitor him and I'm very very upset at the fact he's in the hospital, but I'm equally upset that NONE of my family here felt it necessary to call me and tell me to get the fk out of bed and head up there! Seriously family?! What the fuck.

Then on top of that there have been many posts on my Baby Center support groups of people posting inappropriate things in the wrong place. Like seriously!!! I am not a Dr or a pregnancy test how the hell am I supposed to know if you're pregnant??!!!!

Then to top things off I just read a thing on FB where a freaking 65 year old mother of 13, through the help of IVF, is now pregnant with quadruplets. What in the actual fuck!! What fucking Dr would do that and why the hell does God allow this?!

I would like to eventually have 4 kids, but in reality I really just want one ok? Seriously I really only want one beautiful healthy baby that I can take home. Instead I have to go through losses and infertility and then on top of that I have to hear about teens and old ladies that are old enough to be my grandmother having baby after baby.

The cosmic joke that is my life continues.....

Triggers

First let me start off with explaining what a trigger is. It's something that I've read, seen, or heard that sets me off and either makes me angry, afraid, or sad. It could be a song, something someone said, something I saw on Facebook, or just something that I've randomly thought about.

I've been diagnosed with PTSD since the divorce so I'm easily triggered. I go into the defensive on small things, I can't wrestle with Josh because (as we've found out from experience) it throws me into intense flashbacks and suddenly I'm not play wrestling with my very loving boyfriend if you get what I'm saying....

Anyway, with that being said, I'm triggered today. I heard a song that makes me think of my lost babies. It's a really good song and I still like listening to it, but it makes me cry.

Yesterday's procedure really got to me and then thinking of all the things that make me angry just well made me angry. Here are a list of things that make me angry lately:

- Big Fat Negative pregnancy tests. They make me super sad because it means that I don't have my rainbow baby yet.

- BFN Ovulation tests, temperatures that indicate I'm not ovulating, and irregular periods. Because it means that my body isn't doing what it's supposed to do in order for me to get pregnant.

 - Teens that still live with their parents and are announcing they're pregnant with yet another baby after just having had one, they weren't even trying to prevent, and gasp can't believe they're pregnant again. Congrats on now being hidden from my news feed on FB.

 - Knowing that the same teens are going to be asking me to do their maternity and newborn photos for them and feeling like I have to because well they're family.

- Getting told by family members and friends that I just need to relax and stop thinking about getting pregnant like that will magically make my ovaries work. I'll show you how relaxed I get when I punch you in the throat.

- Hearing about the unexpected BFPs from other friends. I'm happy for you I really am, but it makes me sad that I've been trying so hard to have my first child and you have one night of unprotected sex and are now pregnant.

- Hearing "I know how you feel I couldn't get pregnant for 3 months." Yep cause the pain you feel is the same as my having been trying for damn near a year, not having any positive signs of ovulation, and knowing there's a possibility I'll never get a chance to take home a healthy baby. But yeah you get it because you've been "trying" for 3 months. You can't call it trying unless you're, temping, tracking ovulation, and tracking your cycles. Just having sex every month doesn't actually qualify as trying. I say this because yes, for the first 5 months we weren't actually trying, we were just having sex at the right time every month. Then my super long cycle happened, I started tracking more than just my period and started trying to find other signs my body was doing what it's supposed to, now I know that it's not and I'm trying to find out why. I'm trying very very hard to get pregnant, I just can't.

- Getting told that the reason I'm not getting pregnant is because I'm overweight. I've been overweight for a while and I didn't start having issues with my period until I decided that I wanted go on birth control. I used to be scary regular even when I was overweight. So don't blame my weight.

- Getting told that I've gotten pregnant before so obviously there's nothing wrong with me. Um well yeah look at how both of those pregnancies ended up AND I haven't been pregnant in over 3 years oh AND it's called secondary infertility.

- Getting told that I'm young and I have plenty of time. Well doesn't feel like it. It feels like I'm being laughed at by fate because why else would it be so difficult to get something that I've always wanted?

- God has a plan for you. Well gee thanks for letting me know that I'm having to survive yet another thing in my life and that pain, anguish, loss, and insanity are all part of God's plan for me.

- Maybe it's a sign you two just aren't ready for kids...... oh so now you know my life and can decide when my boyfriend and I are ready for kids? You think you're making me feel better by saying that? No, I've been ready for this my whole fucking life and I've had it stolen from me when I was at the finish line. My boyfriend and I would not have made the decision to try if we weren't absolutely sure we were ready for the responsibility. He wouldn't have said yes to enduring the fucking crazy bitch I have turned into during this long and arduous process if he wasn't ready. He wouldn't have agreed to enduring the even crazier and bitchier person that I WILL turn into when and IF we ever do get pregnant if he wasn't ready. So go fuck yourself with the maybe you're just not ready talk because you don't know me, you're not my BF, and you can go suck on a bag of dicks.

I'm sorry, I'm not sorry for the cursing, I'm a Marine and I'm a bitter bitter woman right now. I've endured the loss of 2 very very wanted pregnancies and now I'm enduring the loss of my fertility. I have every right to be angry at the very very rude and unhelpful comments of people who have no idea what I'm going through.

If you think you have to say something to me here are things that I actually love hearing:

- Tell me I'll be a great mom someday.

- Tell me that I'm already a great mom because I'm an angel mommy and those are the best kind.

- Tell me not give up. Tell me my next test will be a BFP, weather it be a pregnancy test or OPK. Keep me hopeful because I lose hope A LOT.

- Tell me you're here for me and then, gasp, ACTUALLY be there for me.

- Don't judge my addiction to peeing on sticks, I'm a POASaholic and yes I know BFNs make me sad, but I can't stop because I and way too hopeful of a person to stop.

- Silence, just sit there, give me a hug, a glass of wine and some chocolate, and listen to me rant or hold me as I cry. This is painful for me to go through and I need a support system that stays supportive.

HSG

I had my HSG today and it sucked! It only helped in furthering my belief that something is wrong with my uterus. I didn't have it done at my OBs office because the VA is not equipped to do them so I had to go out in town. The guy doing it said he'd never had anyone cry out in pain because of the balloon being inflated. It hurt so bad that he decided to proceed without inflating the balloon. Since I didn't have it done by my Dr I now have to wait for the results. So when my Dr calls I'm going to insist she do an ultrasound looking for fibroids or polyps. 


I'm really very upset that I don't have a more proactive Dr, I'm upset that I don't have a Dr that listens to me, I'm upset that I'm treated like a number instead of being treated as an individual. There is clearly something wrong with me and she is refusing and fighting me at every turn. I really hate that I have to fight this hard for my rainbow baby. It's making me lose hope that I will ever be able to take a baby home. 

A long awaited update

So I've decided to start blogging again. So much has happened since I lasted posted on here that I guess I should just start from there.

2011 - Nothing else of great importance happened. I released balloons for Declan's 2nd birthday and drove home to visit family in Cali for christmas.

2012 - At the beginning of the year I became temporary guardian of my friend's 3 year old. It helped me a great deal, but ended up putting a giant wedge between me and Bryan. In February I finally decided to do something about the physical abuse and called the cops. He went to jail for the night and we separated for about 2 months. Tried to reconcile and moved to Tacoma. I got my own apartment and started going to The Art Institute of Seattle for a degree in photography. Things were strained and we tried, but in August he left me for another woman. I spent the rest of the year being pen pals with a guy that I thought I could have a relationship with. Bryan filed for divorce in October. I had pretty much stopped eating when Bryan left so I ended up losing about 30 pounds.

2013 - 3 days before my 28th birthday, my divorce was finalized. So a friend took me out to celebrate. I'm still talking to my pen pal boyfriend, but he's not a big responder. I meet Cindy and shortly thereafter her super hot son Josh who happens to be about 2 years younger than I am. We start hanging out and one thing leads to another, since I'm not getting what I need emotionally from my pen pal I break things off. I start what I hoped was a purely physical relationship with Josh on his birthday, but he had other plans and I ended up falling head over heals for this guy. We move into a big house with him mom to save money and we start talking about the future a lot more.

2014 - We start really talking about kids and marriage. I decide to change my BC to another type of IUD so that I can start having AF come around for regular visits. The change didn't last long because I was in so much pain every month when the biznatch would come around. We decided to remove the IUD altogether in May and switch to good ole fashioned condoms. Well, since someone doesn't like them, we decided that we would be okay with the consequences and started what's called not trying not preventing. My Dr refers me to a high risk Ob clinic for preconception counseling. My periods are no where close to regular and in October when I see the OB she says she wants me to start seeing a fertility specialist right away. Why should getting pregnant be hard for me when the pregnancy itself is going to take a lot of my mental energy away? I wish the VA had the same views. The OB there refuses to do anything in regard to testing, refuses to blame anything but my weight, and says just do your OPKs and we'll see what happens in 6 months. GAH so I spend the rest of the year peeing on sticks every month hoping that it'll say I'm ovulating. No such luck. Oh and I'm bleeding in between periods now too. Great. My little brother moves up from Cali and starts living with me. My best friend finds out she's pregnant. I'm jealous, but happy for her.  I take Josh with me for Christmas vacation to meet my parents. They love him. My dad is so happy that I'm happy and he constantly reminds me. My mom threatens to kill Josh if he ever hurts me :) I love my family lol Josh gets a new job courtesy of my brother and is able to quit working at my school.

2015 - I turn 30. My period comes on my birthday and sticks around for 3 weeks. You would think that's enough to convince my Dr that something is wrong, but no. She wants 6 more months of OPKs. I haven't gotten a positive OPK since she said I needed to start using them in October! Fk that I go to my Dr for a second opinion only to find out my OB lied in my chart about my irregular periods so I go to my patient advocate. My OB acts surprised that I'm not okay with her course of treatment. She thinks I just want clomid, I mean I do, but there are plenty of other things she can do before getting to that point. I beg, plead, scream, cry and finally she says ok to an HSG. I wait about 2-3 weeks before getting the OK to go to UW, well UW doesn't take outside patients, my OB refuses to transfer my care so I have to look for another clinic. Another 2 weeks go by before I find out I can go to the clinic I choose, call to make an apt and they don't take VA insurance, but I'm offered the ability to pay the $1k for the test out of pocket. Yeah No. So I now have to wait for the VA to send me somewhere. A few more weeks go by, I call the director of the hospital to see about getting my lack of care fixed. I get contacted again by my patient advocate who's upset I'm not pregnant yet and that my OB is a jerk. I now have 7 higher up Dr's monitoring my care. Suddenly I get a call allowing me to make an apt with a clinic in Tacoma that does the HSG. I call and make an apt FINALLY, but I can't have it done until 3-5 days after AF leaves. Oh and No sex started CD 1. Great.

So here we are AF came and left early and my HSG is tomorrow. I'm nervous as hell and I am hoping and praying that this is the thing that fixes my seemingly broken eggs. I need this to work.