Lilypie - Memorial

Lilypie - Memorial

Lilypie - Trying to Conceive

Sunday, July 19, 2015

A missing piece

I realized a bit ago that I haven't posted in a while, then I thought about what to write because it's been much of the same crap. I'm on clomid round 3, CD 16 waiting for FF to give me those elusive cross hairs.

Then I realized what I needed to really talk about.

Today while I was sitting in church listening to pastor talk about what it means to be a member of the church I felt this sudden desire to be baptized. Now I'm not one to shove my faith down anyone's throat. I know I rarely talk about my relationship with God because of how rough it's been. For a long time I struggled with my faith. I was very very angry at God after losing Declan, after my second miscarriage, after Bryan left me for someone else. I struggled with wondering if God really loved me or if I was being punished for some unknown crime against Him. I felt broken and betrayed by God for everything that I had been through.

Finally my really good friend and fellow angel mommy Kristi persuaded me to go to church with her, the sermon that day was about how much God loves us. I was in tears the entire time pastor spoke. I made Kristi promise that she hadn't talked to pastor about me and she didn't. What happened was God was telling me what I needed to hear. That he loved me, no matter what, and that day I let Him in, and accepted him into my heart.

After Kristi left and I moved to Seattle I once again struggled to find my place. Then I found Josh, I found love, and I found the will to try again. Then I found out the heartbreak that is infertility. During our long struggle with trying to have a baby I started to feel that something was missing from my life. I felt a strong desire to go back to church, I searched and searched online for a church that I could go to, but it wasn't long after I started searching that I got a call from Kristi that she's coming back to WA and they're going to be working within the church that she'd gotten me to go to before. I felt it was yet another sign from God and decided to go back, this time Josh joined me.

After our first Sunday I asked Kristi how do I become a real member of the church, she started telling me things to do, but the real thing that spoke to me was the sermon the next time we went, it was all about how to be a good church member. It amazed me, every question I asked felt like it was being answered. And today as I sat there listening to the final sermon on how to be a church member did God speak to me again. That when I come to God, when I pray, I can't exert my will, I have to ask for HIS will to be done. It was then I knew that I needed to be baptized, I needed to fully surrender myself and give my heart and my troubles to God. So on August 2nd at Calvary Baptist Church, I will be baptized. This decision has made me feel as though a piece that was missing has been found. I know that I have a long ways to go, but I feel that I am on the right path and I can't wait to see what this new chapter in my life brings.

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