Lilypie - Memorial

Lilypie - Memorial

Lilypie - Trying to Conceive

Monday, March 7, 2016

Grief is not linear

As I sit here in a semi drunken stupor, I'm left thinking about things that have happened to me in the last year that really shouldn't have happened. I mean there are a plethora of things in my life that have happened that shouldn't have, but in the last few years I've run into too many situations and took part in too many conversations that have dictated to me what should happen with my grief.

My marriage ended ultimately because we couldn't come to terms on what grief should look like. I didn't agree with his drinking to dull the pain and he didn't agree with my need to talk about what happened.

I lost a friend because he believed that I should be able to just get over the death of my son. I shouldn't be sad on days that are difficult to me. I should just be happy and stop thinking about how hard it really is to breathe somedays.

My therapist told me that after 6 years I shouldn't be having nightmares and should be over Declan. His birthday shouldn't affect me so much. He even said I needed more therapy to get over it.

Too many times people who grieve are told how they should do so and I think it's bullshit. There is no  timeline for grief. There is a only new normal for those who've gone through any earth shattering type of loss. Why is it okay to tell people they should be over something that rocked their very core? Why is it okay to tell people they should just forget the pain of something that killed them inside?

A very big part of me died when Declan died. A part of me that will never be resurrected. A part of me that will never be the same. I will never again be that blissfully ignorant little girl that believed she was safe. I did everything right, I didn't take unnecessary risks, I took care of myself so why would I have to worry about pregnancy loss? I mean that doesn't happen when you're in the 3rd trimester right???

I wish I could be that little girl again. I wish I could go back to the person I was before I had to say hello and goodbye to my first son, my beautiful little boy whom I would never get to see grow up, never get to hear him laugh or cry, never get to hold again once the nurse took him away.

Why is it okay to tell a grieving mother that maybe it was God's will?
Why is it okay to tell a grieving mother that she shouldn't worry because she can have more?
Why is it okay to tell a grieving mother that she shouldn't be sad because she should focus on the children she has?
Why is it okay to tell a grieving mother that she shouldn't be sad because the baby wasn't a person anyway, it was too early to mean anything?
Why is it okay to say all these terrible things to a grieving mother, but it's not okay for us to say the same to grieving siblings? Grieving children? Grieving spouses?

If you follow that logic then you should be able tell a grieving child they shouldn't be sad their parent died because they have two. When people look at it that way they should understand how asinine that line of thinking really is and therefore they should take a step back and really look at how grieving parents are treated.

How different would the world be if people understood that grief is not linear, it's not the same for every person, it's not the same for every situation, and it should never be dictated to someone how long their grief should last?

There are so many different things that are lost when you lose a child.

You lose the future, you lose the birthdays, mother's days, father's days, holidays, you lose first days of life, first laugh, first tears, first steps, first teeth, first words, first day of school, graduations, first jobs, first cars, first dates, first heart breaks. Father's miss walking their daughters down the isle, mother's miss watching their son marry the love of their lives. You lose every milestone and if you're unlucky enough to be pregnant with someone who is lucky enough to get to take their child home, then you get to see everything their child gets to do that yours doesn't. It hits your heart hard and breaks your soul deeper each time you see a post about those things your child doesn't get to experience. If you hear their name randomly your heart stops and you are left wondering, would your child have the same type of personality?

So unless you've walked the walk, unless you've had the same heartbreak you have no room to talk. Unless you've had to wear the heavy shoes of grief that stems from the loss of a child you will never understand and you have no right to tell me how I should be grieving.

To be perfectly honest I envy the ignorance of those who've never had to go through this type of loss. It's not something that I would wish on my worst enemy. But if you find yourself the unlucky member of this horrible club you'll find that you are not alone. You are surrounded by love and understanding.

To those unlucky and very loved members I impart this wisdom.

This is your new normal, you will never be the same person you were the day before tragedy struck. It is okay to scream, it is okay to cry, it is okay to laugh, it is okay to smile, it is okay to be okay. And on those days where you find it hard to function, take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute if you have to, and it is perfectly okay if all you did in a day is breathe.

Never let anyone dictate the way you should grieve. Loss isn't something you just get over, it's not a cold that you take a pill for, you're going to be perfectly okay for days, weeks, or even months at a time, then suddenly, out of no where, you'll find yourself hugging your knees screaming in your pillow, and you'll feel like your world is ending. Honestly it doesn't take much to derail your "I'm okay" train, but when it happens, weather it's been 3 weeks, 3 months, 3 years or 10 since your loss, it is okay to feel. It is okay to grieve. And if anyone tells you it's wrong, punch them in the face, get some ice cream and a bottle of wine and move on from their negativity.

Saturday, March 5, 2016

Learning to dance in the rain

It's amazing what a difference a change in doctors can do for a woman's mental health. Especially this woman's mental health when it deals with TTC. I've got a new ob and she is AMAZING! She has done more for me in 3 months than Dr Do Nothing did in 16!!! I've already gotten blood tests to rule out PCOS, I saw the RE had an ultrasound done to officially rule it out, and I got the CD 3 panel done. I'm waiting on the results, but I'm expecting normal results since that's how everything ends up for me.

I'm all at once happy and sad to hear that my body is normal. Happy because well nothing is wrong with me and sad because if I am normal it means there is nothing to fix. It means that there is absolutely no reason why I can't get pregnant on my own. It means that I fall into the unexplained infertility category which sucks because how can you fix something when you don't know what's broken??

But this time around I'm keeping the faith. I'm not getting crazy with the TTC stuff, no OPKs, no temping, no tracking ovulation, no freaking out about how many DPO I am, and defiantly no POAS before AF is even due. Oh and NO freaking clomad!! (Josh is very happy about that part alone). The lack of stressing about all that crap combined with me going back on my mood stabilizers and getting a Dr who is worth the title have all contributed to my positive outlook on this whole process.

I know eventually I'll get pregnant, I'll know eventually I'll get my permanent rainbow. But the question still lingers in my mind, in my heart, in my soul.....

How long will I be waiting??

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

And the journey continues again

So it's already been an eventful new year. Josh and I decided to make a go at the TTC process. I saw my Dr and she's willing to do everything I want to get pregnant. So she already ran all the tests, which came back normal (Grr), and referred me to Madigan's RE. I've got an appointment with Madigan all set for February 22nd.

I'm all at once hopeful and nervous. This means that I have a chance to actually get pregnant. I'll be surrounded by nothing but people that want to help figure out why my body doesn't want to do what it's supposed to do, which is something that I'm still struggling with.

I got my IUD removed in December, I had my first cycle normally, had all the signs of ovulation at the right time, then AF decided to come way too early. I knew that getting back on a regular cycle was too good to be true, but I let myself get hopeful anyway. Now I'm jumping back into tracking my cycle via temping. I didn't want to jump back into the tracking thing so quickly since we're supposed to be "not trying, not preventing" but seeing as this may be the only way to know when to expect AF, I've got no other choice.

I'm still so frustrated with this whole process. I wish I could just snap my fingers and get pregnant. It's driving me insane watching all of my younger family have baby after baby when they can't afford to put a roof over their own heads, while I sit here infertile and praying that just once I could get and stay pregnant. I wish I could just have a healthy baby. I wish I could stop having to survive my life.

Our Hope Endures - Natalie Grant

Friday, November 27, 2015

Letting go

The more and more I think about this, the more depressed I become. How do you just walk away from something when it's all you've ever wanted?

I'm sitting here trying to learn how to let go of wanting to try for a baby, of wanting to plan a wedding, of pretty much everything that I've ever wanted out of life. I'm doing all of this while also trying to figure out why my life took such a drastic turn and how I let my happiness become contingent upon things that I had previously convinced myself would never happen.

When Bryan left I was certain that I would never find love again, that I would never get married and have the babies that I longed to hold. Josh came and changed all that, I found myself in love and believing in forever. Then everything came to a screeching halt and here I am trying to figure out how to get things going again. But I can't because the things I want have to be the things that he wants, and he's not sure what he wants right now. The only thing he's really sure of is that he loves me and wants to be with me, but he's no longer sure when he wants kids or to get married.

It's frustrating. I got to call him my fiancé for all of 3 weeks then nothing. Then back to the beginning we go and I'm once again wondering if forever is real, if I'll ever hold a child of my own in my arms, if I'll ever get to walk down the aisle with my dad to the man of my dreams.

How do I let go of my dreams when they're all I've ever wanted?

Saturday, October 10, 2015

Happy for you, sad for me

So I've been thinking of how to get this out, it's been said by many other people before me, but I'm not sure that my friends and family really see that it applies to me. My life feels like it's been thrown into a blender and I'm trying to put all the pieces back together. It's working slowly, but it's working. But I need everyone to be patient with me, especially when you share happy news.

I need you to know that when I say that I am happy for you, I truly am happy for you, but at the same time whatever happy news you may have (wedding, engagement, buying a house, getting pregnant, having a baby) breaks my heart just a little bit. Seeing happy updates on house hunting, birth announcements, belly pics, pregnancy announcements, they all simultaneously make me super happy and incredibly sad. 

But I'm not sad because I'm jealous, I'm not sad because I'm unsupportive, I'm sad because my dreams haven't come true yet and all I've ever known is loss. 

  • You post your engagement or marriage. I recently ended my engagement to Mr. Right after only 3 weeks. I had my dress, date, venue all picked out, but then it was over and now I'm left trying to stitch our relationship back together. I'm left waiting and wondering if we'll get there again.
  • You post your purchase of a house. Mine fell through twice and I'm no where near trying again.
  • You post your birth announcement, belly shots, pregnancy announcement. I've lost every pregnancy I had, I fought my Dr and my body for 16 months only to have to go back on birth control with no idea when I'll ever be able to try again. And if I'm able to try again I'm not sure that I'll ever be pregnant again, I'd give anything for those symptoms you complain about if it meant I'd get to have a living child.  
  • You post your first day of school photos. I'm left wondering what my son would've done on his first day of school. Instead I had to say hello and goodbye in the same breath. I'm left wondering what Declan and Alainn would've done at school, what silly things would they say, would they like school or would they cry to be away from mommy?

So please don't take my silence or failure to like your status update as my not being supportive of your happy news. I am truly and genuinely happy for you that your dreams are coming true and I'll be there for you all no matter what, I always have been and I always will be. But I'm sad that all the dreams that I have, are still just dreams. They're still just something I wonder if I'll ever have and that breaks me into so many tiny pieces that I'm not sure I'll ever be whole again. 

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

My nightmare

Depression is a nightmare. It's like a mold that you can't get rid of and keeps growing back even though you've tried basically everything except for burning the house down. It's some how able to get into every crack and grow, breeding doubt and negativity like a wildfire. If you think depression only effects the person who owns the diagnosis you're wrong, depression attacks everyone remotely close to the afflicted. Depression might not be contagious, but it touches everyone. It's the reason why my life is the way that it is right now.

I live with depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I have nightmares, panic attacks for no reason, and I have days where I can't get out of bed to do anything more than go to the bathroom. Lately I haven't really even wanted to eat. I don't even get hungry. I just want to sit in bed and mess around with my Facebook games or chat with my friends on Babycenter. Somedays I don't even want to chat with my BBC friends.

I was medicated for a while and things were better, I made sure that I was on a high enough dose for it to work, but not so high that I was a happy zombie. I found a medication that worked and the only reason I got off of it was because my Dr didn't like the idea of me being on it if I got pregnant. With everything going on lately and how I've been feeling I started doing some digging and found out that it's actually the safest med to be on while pregnant. I could've stayed on my meds. Maybe then I wouldn't be the mess that I am today, but you know hind sight is 20/20.

I'm really hoping that the VA lets me stay on the medication that I was on before and doesn't try to change anything. I just want to go with what I know works, something that made me feel so much better before. Because without the meds the only thing that keeps the monsters at bay is Josh. He's like a flashlight for my head. He silences my demons. Let's me know I'm being silly when I start to freak out. He's so supportive and patient with me, I'm not sure what I ever did to deserve him. We video chatted two days ago, texted last night, and for the first time since this whole mess started I got a nightmare free sleep. It was a nice reprieve from the dark dreams. Dreams of loss and being left in the dark empty room where I feel ominous eyes watching me and waiting. If I'm lucky when I wake the feeling goes away, but most days I'm not lucky.

Saturday, August 22, 2015

Oh what a difference a day can make

I sit here typing in an empty room wondering how the hell everything flipped on its head....again. Once again I find myself on the brink of being single. I don't know what he's going to choose, I mean I do, but I'm still trying to hold on to some type of hope that he'll be back because he promised to give it thought until he got back from Portland. But I knew, last night as he held me, as he kissed me this morning, it felt like goodbye. Monday he was contacting friends to be his groomsmen and today he's packing up all of his things and leaving. I'm not sure if it's permanent or if it's temporary, but I do know that I'll need to dig deep and find strength either way. If he comes back can I trust that he'll stay?

I can understand why he's running even if he doesn't. It all became too much to handle and instead of talking to me about it he let it all build up and turn into this. It's my fault for trying to do too many things at once. I mean it was even a lot for me to deal with! Trying to have a baby, buy a house, and plan a wedding all at the same time was giving me anxiety. Top that off with him being treated with less than the respect he deserves by my own brother and BAM! Perfect storm of heartbreak.

So here I sit, listening to the whirl of the ceiling fan, wondering if he'll be back and wondering if I'll see those 2 lovely lines next week. Because on top of everything I could be pregnant. With the way my luck is I won't be, but you never know. We had great coverage, I had 2 strong positive days of OPKs followed by a strong ovulation pain, and my temp is looking amazing. So I'm sitting here wondering if I'm going to end up a single mom. I know I can do it, I have lots of help from family and friends, I know Josh will be involved. But I'm not telling him right away. I know that makes me sound like a mega bitch, but honestly if I told him right away he'd come back. He'd do the right thing and give his kid a two parent household and then over the years he'd grow to resent me, then I'd grow to resent him because I'd know he wasn't in the relationship because he wanted to be with me, so in the end we'd be right where we are now. So I'm going to wait.

If it came down to it, if he comes back, I'd be willing to put EVERYTHING on hold and start getting back to doing the things that we used to do. I'd help my brother and his girlfriend get their own place so Josh and I can get back to being only us. It was pretty nice when it was only us and we had a lot of fun. I think, if given the chance, we could get back to that pretty easily because he says that he still loves me and that's really the only base you need.

So instead of getting upset that he didn't tell me he was grabbing all of his things, instead of blowing up his phone with calls and texts, instead of having other people do the same thing, I'm going to sit in this quiet room and take everything day by day and hope for fucking best.