Lilypie - Memorial

Lilypie - Memorial

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

And the journey continues again

So it's already been an eventful new year. Josh and I decided to make a go at the TTC process. I saw my Dr and she's willing to do everything I want to get pregnant. So she already ran all the tests, which came back normal (Grr), and referred me to Madigan's RE. I've got an appointment with Madigan all set for February 22nd.

I'm all at once hopeful and nervous. This means that I have a chance to actually get pregnant. I'll be surrounded by nothing but people that want to help figure out why my body doesn't want to do what it's supposed to do, which is something that I'm still struggling with.

I got my IUD removed in December, I had my first cycle normally, had all the signs of ovulation at the right time, then AF decided to come way too early. I knew that getting back on a regular cycle was too good to be true, but I let myself get hopeful anyway. Now I'm jumping back into tracking my cycle via temping. I didn't want to jump back into the tracking thing so quickly since we're supposed to be "not trying, not preventing" but seeing as this may be the only way to know when to expect AF, I've got no other choice.

I'm still so frustrated with this whole process. I wish I could just snap my fingers and get pregnant. It's driving me insane watching all of my younger family have baby after baby when they can't afford to put a roof over their own heads, while I sit here infertile and praying that just once I could get and stay pregnant. I wish I could just have a healthy baby. I wish I could stop having to survive my life.

Our Hope Endures - Natalie Grant

Friday, November 27, 2015

Letting go

The more and more I think about this, the more depressed I become. How do you just walk away from something when it's all you've ever wanted?

I'm sitting here trying to learn how to let go of wanting to try for a baby, of wanting to plan a wedding, of pretty much everything that I've ever wanted out of life. I'm doing all of this while also trying to figure out why my life took such a drastic turn and how I let my happiness become contingent upon things that I had previously convinced myself would never happen.

When Bryan left I was certain that I would never find love again, that I would never get married and have the babies that I longed to hold. Josh came and changed all that, I found myself in love and believing in forever. Then everything came to a screeching halt and here I am trying to figure out how to get things going again. But I can't because the things I want have to be the things that he wants, and he's not sure what he wants right now. The only thing he's really sure of is that he loves me and wants to be with me, but he's no longer sure when he wants kids or to get married.

It's frustrating. I got to call him my fiancé for all of 3 weeks then nothing. Then back to the beginning we go and I'm once again wondering if forever is real, if I'll ever hold a child of my own in my arms, if I'll ever get to walk down the aisle with my dad to the man of my dreams.

How do I let go of my dreams when they're all I've ever wanted?

Saturday, October 10, 2015

Happy for you, sad for me

So I've been thinking of how to get this out, it's been said by many other people before me, but I'm not sure that my friends and family really see that it applies to me. My life feels like it's been thrown into a blender and I'm trying to put all the pieces back together. It's working slowly, but it's working. But I need everyone to be patient with me, especially when you share happy news.

I need you to know that when I say that I am happy for you, I truly am happy for you, but at the same time whatever happy news you may have (wedding, engagement, buying a house, getting pregnant, having a baby) breaks my heart just a little bit. Seeing happy updates on house hunting, birth announcements, belly pics, pregnancy announcements, they all simultaneously make me super happy and incredibly sad. 

But I'm not sad because I'm jealous, I'm not sad because I'm unsupportive, I'm sad because my dreams haven't come true yet and all I've ever known is loss. 

  • You post your engagement or marriage. I recently ended my engagement to Mr. Right after only 3 weeks. I had my dress, date, venue all picked out, but then it was over and now I'm left trying to stitch our relationship back together. I'm left waiting and wondering if we'll get there again.
  • You post your purchase of a house. Mine fell through twice and I'm no where near trying again.
  • You post your birth announcement, belly shots, pregnancy announcement. I've lost every pregnancy I had, I fought my Dr and my body for 16 months only to have to go back on birth control with no idea when I'll ever be able to try again. And if I'm able to try again I'm not sure that I'll ever be pregnant again, I'd give anything for those symptoms you complain about if it meant I'd get to have a living child.  
  • You post your first day of school photos. I'm left wondering what my son would've done on his first day of school. Instead I had to say hello and goodbye in the same breath. I'm left wondering what Declan and Alainn would've done at school, what silly things would they say, would they like school or would they cry to be away from mommy?

So please don't take my silence or failure to like your status update as my not being supportive of your happy news. I am truly and genuinely happy for you that your dreams are coming true and I'll be there for you all no matter what, I always have been and I always will be. But I'm sad that all the dreams that I have, are still just dreams. They're still just something I wonder if I'll ever have and that breaks me into so many tiny pieces that I'm not sure I'll ever be whole again. 

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

My nightmare

Depression is a nightmare. It's like a mold that you can't get rid of and keeps growing back even though you've tried basically everything except for burning the house down. It's some how able to get into every crack and grow, breeding doubt and negativity like a wildfire. If you think depression only effects the person who owns the diagnosis you're wrong, depression attacks everyone remotely close to the afflicted. Depression might not be contagious, but it touches everyone. It's the reason why my life is the way that it is right now.

I live with depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I have nightmares, panic attacks for no reason, and I have days where I can't get out of bed to do anything more than go to the bathroom. Lately I haven't really even wanted to eat. I don't even get hungry. I just want to sit in bed and mess around with my Facebook games or chat with my friends on Babycenter. Somedays I don't even want to chat with my BBC friends.

I was medicated for a while and things were better, I made sure that I was on a high enough dose for it to work, but not so high that I was a happy zombie. I found a medication that worked and the only reason I got off of it was because my Dr didn't like the idea of me being on it if I got pregnant. With everything going on lately and how I've been feeling I started doing some digging and found out that it's actually the safest med to be on while pregnant. I could've stayed on my meds. Maybe then I wouldn't be the mess that I am today, but you know hind sight is 20/20.

I'm really hoping that the VA lets me stay on the medication that I was on before and doesn't try to change anything. I just want to go with what I know works, something that made me feel so much better before. Because without the meds the only thing that keeps the monsters at bay is Josh. He's like a flashlight for my head. He silences my demons. Let's me know I'm being silly when I start to freak out. He's so supportive and patient with me, I'm not sure what I ever did to deserve him. We video chatted two days ago, texted last night, and for the first time since this whole mess started I got a nightmare free sleep. It was a nice reprieve from the dark dreams. Dreams of loss and being left in the dark empty room where I feel ominous eyes watching me and waiting. If I'm lucky when I wake the feeling goes away, but most days I'm not lucky.

Saturday, August 22, 2015

Oh what a difference a day can make

I sit here typing in an empty room wondering how the hell everything flipped on its head....again. Once again I find myself on the brink of being single. I don't know what he's going to choose, I mean I do, but I'm still trying to hold on to some type of hope that he'll be back because he promised to give it thought until he got back from Portland. But I knew, last night as he held me, as he kissed me this morning, it felt like goodbye. Monday he was contacting friends to be his groomsmen and today he's packing up all of his things and leaving. I'm not sure if it's permanent or if it's temporary, but I do know that I'll need to dig deep and find strength either way. If he comes back can I trust that he'll stay?

I can understand why he's running even if he doesn't. It all became too much to handle and instead of talking to me about it he let it all build up and turn into this. It's my fault for trying to do too many things at once. I mean it was even a lot for me to deal with! Trying to have a baby, buy a house, and plan a wedding all at the same time was giving me anxiety. Top that off with him being treated with less than the respect he deserves by my own brother and BAM! Perfect storm of heartbreak.

So here I sit, listening to the whirl of the ceiling fan, wondering if he'll be back and wondering if I'll see those 2 lovely lines next week. Because on top of everything I could be pregnant. With the way my luck is I won't be, but you never know. We had great coverage, I had 2 strong positive days of OPKs followed by a strong ovulation pain, and my temp is looking amazing. So I'm sitting here wondering if I'm going to end up a single mom. I know I can do it, I have lots of help from family and friends, I know Josh will be involved. But I'm not telling him right away. I know that makes me sound like a mega bitch, but honestly if I told him right away he'd come back. He'd do the right thing and give his kid a two parent household and then over the years he'd grow to resent me, then I'd grow to resent him because I'd know he wasn't in the relationship because he wanted to be with me, so in the end we'd be right where we are now. So I'm going to wait.

If it came down to it, if he comes back, I'd be willing to put EVERYTHING on hold and start getting back to doing the things that we used to do. I'd help my brother and his girlfriend get their own place so Josh and I can get back to being only us. It was pretty nice when it was only us and we had a lot of fun. I think, if given the chance, we could get back to that pretty easily because he says that he still loves me and that's really the only base you need.

So instead of getting upset that he didn't tell me he was grabbing all of his things, instead of blowing up his phone with calls and texts, instead of having other people do the same thing, I'm going to sit in this quiet room and take everything day by day and hope for fucking best.

Saturday, July 25, 2015

I hate the wait!

I hate hate hate the two week wait. I wish there was a way to know right away whether or not I'm pregnant a few days after I ovulate. As Monday grows closer I just want to hide myself away with a bottle of wine and a crate full of brownies, because as Monday grows closer I'm reminded that I should have an almost 4 year old and an almost 6 year old. And because I'm in the two week wait I have to refrain from drinking the wine that is calling my name. I really hope this the last two week wait that I have to endure. I'm testing Monday, I'll be 9 DPO, and I'm really hoping that I'll finally get my rainbow.

Sunday, July 19, 2015

A missing piece

I realized a bit ago that I haven't posted in a while, then I thought about what to write because it's been much of the same crap. I'm on clomid round 3, CD 16 waiting for FF to give me those elusive cross hairs.

Then I realized what I needed to really talk about.

Today while I was sitting in church listening to pastor talk about what it means to be a member of the church I felt this sudden desire to be baptized. Now I'm not one to shove my faith down anyone's throat. I know I rarely talk about my relationship with God because of how rough it's been. For a long time I struggled with my faith. I was very very angry at God after losing Declan, after my second miscarriage, after Bryan left me for someone else. I struggled with wondering if God really loved me or if I was being punished for some unknown crime against Him. I felt broken and betrayed by God for everything that I had been through.

Finally my really good friend and fellow angel mommy Kristi persuaded me to go to church with her, the sermon that day was about how much God loves us. I was in tears the entire time pastor spoke. I made Kristi promise that she hadn't talked to pastor about me and she didn't. What happened was God was telling me what I needed to hear. That he loved me, no matter what, and that day I let Him in, and accepted him into my heart.

After Kristi left and I moved to Seattle I once again struggled to find my place. Then I found Josh, I found love, and I found the will to try again. Then I found out the heartbreak that is infertility. During our long struggle with trying to have a baby I started to feel that something was missing from my life. I felt a strong desire to go back to church, I searched and searched online for a church that I could go to, but it wasn't long after I started searching that I got a call from Kristi that she's coming back to WA and they're going to be working within the church that she'd gotten me to go to before. I felt it was yet another sign from God and decided to go back, this time Josh joined me.

After our first Sunday I asked Kristi how do I become a real member of the church, she started telling me things to do, but the real thing that spoke to me was the sermon the next time we went, it was all about how to be a good church member. It amazed me, every question I asked felt like it was being answered. And today as I sat there listening to the final sermon on how to be a church member did God speak to me again. That when I come to God, when I pray, I can't exert my will, I have to ask for HIS will to be done. It was then I knew that I needed to be baptized, I needed to fully surrender myself and give my heart and my troubles to God. So on August 2nd at Calvary Baptist Church, I will be baptized. This decision has made me feel as though a piece that was missing has been found. I know that I have a long ways to go, but I feel that I am on the right path and I can't wait to see what this new chapter in my life brings.