Lilypie - Trying to Conceive

Saturday, July 25, 2015

I hate the wait!

I hate hate hate the two week wait. I wish there was a way to know right away whether or not I'm pregnant a few days after I ovulate. As Monday grows closer I just want to hide myself away with a bottle of wine and a crate full of brownies, because as Monday grows closer I'm reminded that I should have an almost 4 year old and an almost 6 year old. And because I'm in the two week wait I have to refrain from drinking the wine that is calling my name. I really hope this the last two week wait that I have to endure. I'm testing Monday, I'll be 9 DPO, and I'm really hoping that I'll finally get my rainbow.



Sunday, July 19, 2015

A missing piece

I realized a bit ago that I haven't posted in a while, then I thought about what to write because it's been much of the same crap. I'm on clomid round 3, CD 16 waiting for FF to give me those elusive cross hairs.

Then I realized what I needed to really talk about.

Today while I was sitting in church listening to pastor talk about what it means to be a member of the church I felt this sudden desire to be baptized. Now I'm not one to shove my faith down anyone's throat. I know I rarely talk about my relationship with God because of how rough it's been. For a long time I struggled with my faith. I was very very angry at God after losing Declan, after my second miscarriage, after Bryan left me for someone else. I struggled with wondering if God really loved me or if I was being punished for some unknown crime against Him. I felt broken and betrayed by God for everything that I had been through.

Finally my really good friend and fellow angel mommy Kristi persuaded me to go to church with her, the sermon that day was about how much God loves us. I was in tears the entire time pastor spoke. I made Kristi promise that she hadn't talked to pastor about me and she didn't. What happened was God was telling me what I needed to hear. That he loved me, no matter what, and that day I let Him in, and accepted him into my heart.

After Kristi left and I moved to Seattle I once again struggled to find my place. Then I found Josh, I found love, and I found the will to try again. Then I found out the heartbreak that is infertility. During our long struggle with trying to have a baby I started to feel that something was missing from my life. I felt a strong desire to go back to church, I searched and searched online for a church that I could go to, but it wasn't long after I started searching that I got a call from Kristi that she's coming back to WA and they're going to be working within the church that she'd gotten me to go to before. I felt it was yet another sign from God and decided to go back, this time Josh joined me.

After our first Sunday I asked Kristi how do I become a real member of the church, she started telling me things to do, but the real thing that spoke to me was the sermon the next time we went, it was all about how to be a good church member. It amazed me, every question I asked felt like it was being answered. And today as I sat there listening to the final sermon on how to be a church member did God speak to me again. That when I come to God, when I pray, I can't exert my will, I have to ask for HIS will to be done. It was then I knew that I needed to be baptized, I needed to fully surrender myself and give my heart and my troubles to God. So on August 2nd at Calvary Baptist Church, I will be baptized. This decision has made me feel as though a piece that was missing has been found. I know that I have a long ways to go, but I feel that I am on the right path and I can't wait to see what this new chapter in my life brings.

Monday, June 22, 2015

Unfair

I am so tired. I got a tooth pulled today and took a Vicodin for the pain. Taking the med made me incredibly sad, why you ask? Because you're not supposed to take that medication while you're pregnant, I am not pregnant and am allowed to take it which makes me sad. I just want to be pregnant. But it's like the universe is laughing at me, I look at Facebook and just feel like crying at all the pregnancy announcements, there's a new feature that shows you everything you posted on that day up to like 6 years ago. Do you know what I posted 4 years ago today? My pregnancy announcement for Alainn, then less than a month later I am having to un-tell everyone. It fucking sucks.

So I'm in the two week wait, waiting for fertility friend to confirm my ovulation by giving me cross hairs, I got the positive OPKs and temp dips, but my rise is happening slowly. I don't really know why, maybe it's because I got my hopes up too high last cycle, but I don't feel like I'm going to be getting my BFP this time around. I am really hoping that I do, because then my due date would be around Stephen's birthday and I would love the tribute to him. But at the same time I just know it's not going to happen. I've pretty much felt this way since day 3 of the clomid RX. I wish this was easier, I wish the people that got pregnant easily were the ones that actually wanted to be that way. This whole process is incredibly unfair and I'm really starting to have another crisis of faith.

Saturday, June 6, 2015

It's always maybe

I don't even know where to begin with this. I got myself so excited and happy, but then something clicked a few days ago that this will not be the cycle I'll see those two lovely lines. This won't be the cycle that gets me my ever sought after take home rainbow. I wasn't sure if it was just a defense mechinism that my brain decided to deploy because I was so close to the end of my arduous two week wait. My fears of a true BFN have almost certinly been confirmed, I started spotting a little yesterday, a little more this morning, a temp dive, and pretty much continuous cramping today. I've given up hope for this cycle even though AF is still a few days away. Something in me just knows.

In the past few days there have been at least 4 BFPs in four of the five groups that I'm very active in, though I'm extremely happy for these ladies, it makes me incredibly sad for me. I've been trying so hard for so long and to see others get what I've longed for and was so close to getting almost 6 years ago just breaks me on the inside. Jealousy is ugly I know, but it's not quite jealousy. It's more of me just wondering when I'll get to stop trying? When will I get to have what I've longed for my entire life? Last night I posted my genuine congrats to a fellow angel mommy who posted her BFP and then collapsed into Josh's lap and sobbed. I feel broken, I feel like a failure. This is my one job as a woman, to carry a child, to create life, give my boyfriend a son to carry on his last name, and I can't seem to be able to do it!

All of this, all of it should be made easier by my Dr, but nope. You would think my Dr would see my back to back anovulatory cycles and take immediate action, nope she made me wait. Then once she finally takes action you would think maybe then she'd do everything in her power to get me pregnant, nope again. I've got to wait longer each time even though there are effective and proven ways to make this happen. I have to go through so much and have to fight my Dr so hard just to get pregnant. I am so very very grateful that I'm a veteran and that I don't have to deal with this woman once I finally get pregnant. When I finally get pregnant I'll then be allowed to choose where I want to go for treatment. I've almost 100% chosen Swedish because of it's proximity to Josh's work, but Tacoma General would be much closer to where we're going to be living. Guess I have time to figure that out now.

So now I'm just waiting for AF to show her ugly face, I guess I still have a few days to hope she doesn't show up. Maybe the spotting was implantation and I'll see a BFP in a day or two. Maybe. It's always maybe. Someone needs to invent a device that lets you know right away if you're pregnant or not a few days after you ovulate, that would be so much easier than 2 weeks of wondering if you can safely have that beer or nah I've got a bun in the oven beer wouldn't mix well with the recipe. 

Saturday, May 30, 2015

This is taking forever

I finally got to start the clomid. I took CD5-9 as directed and started testing with OPKs on CD10. I finally got to see the line darken and go to almost positive on the CD12 and 13. Temp dip indicated that I actually ovulated on CD14. So here I am CD18 and 4DPO. The wait is killing me. I want to test so badly, but I know it'll just be a BFN. I wouldn't be able to see anything until I'm at least 12DPO which is NEXT Sunday. I know it's only a week, but I've been waiting for a take home baby for almost 6 years now. Having to wait a whole other week feels like an eternity.

I spoke with my Dr yesterday and thanks to the positive OPK she's decided that keeping me on 50mg of clomid is the best course of action for now. She's also finally in agreement that I very likely have a mild case of Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. Although I'm happy that I've finally got a diagnosis and a reason to why my body doesn't want to get pregnant, I am also upset that it took her this long to believe that there IS something wrong with me. I've had signs of PCOS since October and this whole time that I was fighting her to do something was unnecessary. She should've done something months ago, then maybe instead of waiting to pee on a stick I could be waiting to deliver my rainbow baby. It's just not fair that she put me through all those months of heartache and disappointment.

But that's okay, because now I'm halfway into the 2 week wait and really excited to see those two pink lines.

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Someday

Pretty much all of our lives we've been told that sex makes babies. If you have sex unprotected just once you'll get pregnant. That's what they've stressed to us through out middle school and high school and even while I was in the Marines. During our weekly weekend safety briefs we would always be told to use protection unless we wanted to add another dependent to our records. I quickly found out when Bryan and I started TTC for Declan that it wasn't the case. I found out that sometimes it can take a while. When you're younger than 30 it can take up to 6 months to almost a year before you can get pregnant and you only have a 15% chance of getting pregnant each month, then you have a 1 in 6 chance of making it through the first trimester, then your chances get better, but by no means is there such thing as a safe zone.

With that being said yes I know I'm only 30, but I'm dealing with irregular periods and no obvious signs of ovulation. This makes me infertile Mertle. This makes it to where just having sex and tracking my cycles aren't going to equal baby for me. I thought perhaps after the HSG I would have a miracle BFP and of course I got my hopes up way way too far because here I am super exhausted on CD 2 wishing I hadn't spent so much on those damn HPTs. I hate stupid long cycles.

So yeah CD 2 means that I will have to take the clomid in 3 days. That means that I have an increased chance at conception because I will for sure ovulate and I have a 10% chance at having twins. The really scary part here is that if I'm successful on the first round I'll have another February due date. It's mildly terrifying to know that I'll be going through almost the exact same timeline that I went through  with my miscarriage. I sit here staring at the packet of pills wondering if all of this crap is worth it. Then I remember the dream that I had (a first of it's kind) where I was snuggling a baby that I actually gave birth to, he was mine and mine alone, and I woke up not feeling sad like I had expected to, but feeling like maybe just maybe I'll actually have that happen. Someone will look at the adorable little squishy chunky baby in my arms and comment on their cuteness, and I'll be able to respond like a proud momma.

Someday everything that I've been though will be worth all of this pain. So on the days I feel terrible, I just need to remember that dream and keep holding on to someday.....




Saturday, May 2, 2015

A place to call home

I had been house hunting for a few months when my real estate agent told me about a place that fit all my criteria and was close to Seattle. I saw the photos online and was very excited to see it in person, but when I did I fell in love with the house. 4 bedrooms, 2 full bathrooms, 1800 square feet, nice sized yard, garage, gazebo with a hot tub. It was perfect. I got with the lender I had been working with and started the process of getting the pre-approval letter. I started getting to work on all the things he said that I needed in order to get the final approval. I drained my savings, paid things off, and waited for it all to post to my credit so that we could close on the house. That's when we started having problems with the lenders. They were dragging their feet, instead of requesting a rapid rescore, they wanted things to update naturally, well some things take longer than others and that combined with the underwriters not liking my part-time job (even though it's responsible for less than 1/4 of my income) resulted in my not getting a loan. I changed lenders, the new guy is telling me he can make the loan work, I need to do a few more things, he'll do a rapid rescore, but he needs 30 more days added to the closing date. Thanks to the old lenders we had already needed to extend once, so the sellers of the home refused to extend again unless I paid their lot rent for the month of May. Since the seller of the land was refusing to pay closing costs and I was paying more money to fix things, we decided it was just too much and moved on to looking for a new home. I'm currently waiting for my earnest money back. It sucks I really liked that house.

So this past week has been filled with looking at house after house via my agent and redfin. I would find a house I like, but it wouldn't go VA, he'd send me a house that would, but it'd be too small. I am trying to get a house that I can live in forever and a 2 bedroom won't cut it. I got a new email that had a 2 bedroom, really nice outside, the difference between this one and the others is that the basement is partially furnished and adds almost 1000 more square feet to the house. I can live with that. Then last night I was browsing again and saw a new listing. I've fallen in love with the photos, then fell even deeper when I saw it'll go VA. It's a 4/5 bedroom 2 bathroom house with a large yard and 2 car garage. I can't wait until 430. We set up a showing for this weekend. I just really hope that the houses don't let me down, I need a place to call home and raise my rainbow babies.