Lilypie - Trying to Conceive

Thursday, May 14, 2015


Pretty much all of our lives we've been told that sex makes babies. If you have sex unprotected just once you'll get pregnant. That's what they've stressed to us through out middle school and high school and even while I was in the Marines. During our weekly weekend safety briefs we would always be told to use protection unless we wanted to add another dependent to our records. I quickly found out when Bryan and I started TTC for Declan that it wasn't the case. I found out that sometimes it can take a while. When you're younger than 30 it can take up to 6 months to almost a year before you can get pregnant and you only have a 15% chance of getting pregnant each month, then you have a 1 in 6 chance of making it through the first trimester, then your chances get better, but by no means is there such thing as a safe zone.

With that being said yes I know I'm only 30, but I'm dealing with irregular periods and no obvious signs of ovulation. This makes me infertile Mertle. This makes it to where just having sex and tracking my cycles aren't going to equal baby for me. I thought perhaps after the HSG I would have a miracle BFP and of course I got my hopes up way way too far because here I am super exhausted on CD 2 wishing I hadn't spent so much on those damn HPTs. I hate stupid long cycles.

So yeah CD 2 means that I will have to take the clomid in 3 days. That means that I have an increased chance at conception because I will for sure ovulate and I have a 10% chance at having twins. The really scary part here is that if I'm successful on the first round I'll have another February due date. It's mildly terrifying to know that I'll be going through almost the exact same timeline that I went through  with my miscarriage. I sit here staring at the packet of pills wondering if all of this crap is worth it. Then I remember the dream that I had (a first of it's kind) where I was snuggling a baby that I actually gave birth to, he was mine and mine alone, and I woke up not feeling sad like I had expected to, but feeling like maybe just maybe I'll actually have that happen. Someone will look at the adorable little squishy chunky baby in my arms and comment on their cuteness, and I'll be able to respond like a proud momma.

Someday everything that I've been though will be worth all of this pain. So on the days I feel terrible, I just need to remember that dream and keep holding on to someday.....

Saturday, May 2, 2015

A place to call home

I had been house hunting for a few months when my real estate agent told me about a place that fit all my criteria and was close to Seattle. I saw the photos online and was very excited to see it in person, but when I did I fell in love with the house. 4 bedrooms, 2 full bathrooms, 1800 square feet, nice sized yard, garage, gazebo with a hot tub. It was perfect. I got with the lender I had been working with and started the process of getting the pre-approval letter. I started getting to work on all the things he said that I needed in order to get the final approval. I drained my savings, paid things off, and waited for it all to post to my credit so that we could close on the house. That's when we started having problems with the lenders. They were dragging their feet, instead of requesting a rapid rescore, they wanted things to update naturally, well some things take longer than others and that combined with the underwriters not liking my part-time job (even though it's responsible for less than 1/4 of my income) resulted in my not getting a loan. I changed lenders, the new guy is telling me he can make the loan work, I need to do a few more things, he'll do a rapid rescore, but he needs 30 more days added to the closing date. Thanks to the old lenders we had already needed to extend once, so the sellers of the home refused to extend again unless I paid their lot rent for the month of May. Since the seller of the land was refusing to pay closing costs and I was paying more money to fix things, we decided it was just too much and moved on to looking for a new home. I'm currently waiting for my earnest money back. It sucks I really liked that house.

So this past week has been filled with looking at house after house via my agent and redfin. I would find a house I like, but it wouldn't go VA, he'd send me a house that would, but it'd be too small. I am trying to get a house that I can live in forever and a 2 bedroom won't cut it. I got a new email that had a 2 bedroom, really nice outside, the difference between this one and the others is that the basement is partially furnished and adds almost 1000 more square feet to the house. I can live with that. Then last night I was browsing again and saw a new listing. I've fallen in love with the photos, then fell even deeper when I saw it'll go VA. It's a 4/5 bedroom 2 bathroom house with a large yard and 2 car garage. I can't wait until 430. We set up a showing for this weekend. I just really hope that the houses don't let me down, I need a place to call home and raise my rainbow babies.

Friday, April 24, 2015

Finally something!

Finally Dr Do Nothing has agreed to do SOMETHING!!

I tried to call her with Josh's test results yesterday, but she was out of the office. I tried again this morning and had to leave another message with the nurse. She finally called me back this afternoon. 

She told me how the HSG results were normal and I told her that Josh's SA came back normal and that I'm still getting negative OPKs. She then said, "With the normal test results from your boyfriend and HSG combined with your lack of positive OPK I do believe you're not ovulating and feel comfortable moving forward with clomid." 
I kind of wanted to be snarky and say, "Well No Shit, I've been using these damn OPKs for 6 months now and haven't seen a single one of them turn positive" but I decided to be nice since she's finally doing something helpful. She told me that in order to get the actual prescription that I need to have a pelvic exam done so I made an appointment for Tuesday at 3 PM.

I'm so excited for this appointment. My wonderful friend Maggie thinks I'm already pregnant though so we'll see if I even need the clomid now, but I'll at least have it for when AF decides to show up. 

Oh I think I should tell you why lovely Maggie thinks I am prego already. My temp has actually done something, I might be having O or implantation spotting, and my OPKs are still negative, but have lines on them. So I'm either pregnant right now or having a really late ovulation or AF is teasing me. Either way unless she shows up test day is May 1st. 

In other news I finally got a 100% answer on the house for the lender. It's a no because they don't like that my job is part time, even though I've got more than enough income to pay the bills. However, though I'm upset I can't move in next week, I have found backup lending and will be moving forward with another company altogether. They've pretty much promised a yes as long as my credit score jumps 13 points. I wish they could just use the highest score available instead of the middle score, my life would be so much easier. ugh. So the upside is that I might still be able to get my house, but the downside is it might take another month, so we're all stuck in this crappy apartment with shitty neighbors for at least 30 more days. I really need this house to go through. 

I will die of happiness overload if I end up getting a rainbow BFP and the house I want in the same month though. It'll be the best thing to happen to me in years!!

I guess we'll see what happens though. Until then, I just got more OPKs and I gotta tinkle ;-) 

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Just relax it'll happen

Infertility is a disease. It's not something that can just get better when you relax. Something that gets better when you relax is a bowel movement or a headache NOT infertility. My ovaries will not suddenly say "oh this bitch finally relaxed let's start doing our job." That's not how this works, it's not how any of this works, and although the person who says "just relax" may be trying to help, it's actually really insulting. I tried relaxing, for the first 6 months I was actually pretty relaxed. I tried not to freak out that my periods were a little wonky or that I would randomly bleed in the middle of my cycle. My Dr said it was normal so I didn't freak out. I did however start to freak out when I randomly out of no where have a 44 day cycle. I think I spent over $100 on pregnancy tests, because why else would my period be THAT late. Since then it's been anyone's guess as to when AF will show up.

If stress was the cause of my irregular periods then why did it just start messing with my life now? Why didn't I have irregular periods when my ex was mentally and physically abusing me for 8.5 years? Why did my period shoot right back to where it was after each loss or when I moved or when my ex finally left or when I was so broke that I couldn't afford to eat and lost 30 pounds in 3 months?

I honestly and whole hearted believe that my problems are caused by the birth control that I was on. My body has never responded very well to birth control. I gained weight on Mirena, I was on it for a little under a year until Josh and I started talking kids so I switched to Paraguard so that I can start tracking my periods. Well my period was so intense and heavy that I had to stop after 5 months. Since then my period hasn't been the same. No matter how much I "relax"

I have been through more stress in my life than what I'm going through now. The crap that I've been through lately pales in comparison to the stress that I've been through in my life, so telling me to relax won't help because it's not the root cause of my issues.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Declan Bear

I recently discovered a place that makes custom teddy bears that are the same weight of your baby. They're made for those who have experienced loss. So that we finally have something to hold onto. I ordered mine last week and my Declan bear got here yesterday. I was so excited when the box arrived. I opened the box with the same anticipation as a kid on Christmas and as soon as I got him in my arms I burst into tears. I immediately was thrown back into that hospital room holding my handsome boy. 7 pounds 10.2 ounces. I missed holding him so much. I forgot what it felt like and now I have something to snuggle whenever I want.

Although my bear will never replace what I lost, but just having him has been so very helpful. I just can't put him down. I held him all day while I watched tv and yes I even slept with him. It's the best I've slept in a really long time.

I'm so very glad that I got my Declan Bear and I am sad that the creator of Alexa Bears has suffered the same fate that I had with my little boy, but I am so very thankful for her willingness to make these bears. Without her I wouldn't have been able to hold my darling boy in my arms one more time. Without her I would only be able to hold him in my memory. I have always felt so guilty for not holding Declan longer than I did and now I can feel like I am holding him again. <3

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Bunny in my chart and "Internet" friends

For anyone who is actively TTC then you know what charting means. For those that don't know then I'll explain. Basically it means that I'm tracking certain data daily. I take my basal body temperature every morning, I check my cervical mucus (yup gross) throughout the day, and I track my OPK results, my pregnancy test results, and yes even when I do the baby dance. All the information gets logged daily on my Ovia app and my Fertility Friend chart. All this information helps me figure out if my body is doing what it's supposed to. Of course I've come to learn that it is not.

Recently I made a change from temping orally to temping vaginally (yup gross again) in hopes that I'd end up with a more stable temps. However it seems that this is not going to be the case for me.

Apparently the easter bunny has decided to visit my chart because this isn't supposed to happen. Typically a temp will dip the day of ovulation and will stay up for 3 solid days. The 3 day rise is key for confirming ovulation. I've never gotten the 3 day rise. I started solidly tracking my BBT last month. But I've been tracking my OPKs since October and those haven't ever given me a positive either. Little miss bitch aunt flow decided to come a whole week early and even left a day earlier than usual, which confuses my cycle trackers because it's literally a guess as to when she's going to be making her monthly visit. It freaking sucks. 

My Dr refuses to listen to me, refuses to believe that I'm now part of the infertile club. Stupid Dr. Do Nothing wants me to just keep using my OPKs and see what happens. I'll tell you what's going to happen. I'm going to keep getting Big Fat Negatives every month. I'm not going to magically get pregnant. If sex was enough I promise I would be pregnant so many times, but it's not and I don't know how to get her to listen to me. I don't know how to deal with the fact that my body doesn't do what it's supposed to and I don't know how to deal with people that keep getting pregnant without trying and then giving me advice (FYI if you're only having sex to get pregnant and you're not doing anything that I'm doing in order to get pregnant then you aren't actually trying). I just don't know how to deal with any of this really. 

Add to all this the fact that I'm trying to buy a house and graduate from school and you find me being unable to get out of bed and unable to really really smile. 

I'm trying to keep my hopes up. I'm trying to keep from going insane. But I feel alone. I feel broken.

Honestly the only thing that is keeping me sane is that I finally have somewhere to turn. I finally found people to talk to that know what I'm going through, that know how this hopelessness feels, they know how it feels to lose as I have lost, they know how scary it is to keep trying again and again, month after month, BFN after BFN. I've been a member of a few support groups on Baby Center, but none have made me feel home like the monthly TTC thread on the Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Support group. These ladies are my saving grace. Don't get me wrong, I have a loving supportive boyfriend and family, but they don't understand the struggle like these ladies do. These ladies are the ones that keep me trying, keep me from giving up. I can say anything to them, talk about Declan and my angel Àlainn (who used to be nameless but thanks to Maggie ;) has a name. It means lovely in Gaelic). They inspire me and help me keep hope alive. They offer "hugs" and support whenever I need it and I always feel welcome. They never judge my POAS addiction (because we're all POASaholics) I've never in my life had such a support system and I am so very thankful to have "met" each and everyone of these wonderful, beautiful, amazing, lovely, women. 

I love you all ladies and I can't wait until we're all sporting big pregnant bellies and have houses full of rainbows. 

Sunday, April 12, 2015

I kind of hate today now

So I was having a pretty amazing very lazy day with Josh. We stayed in bed all day binge watching The Big Bang Theory and I was a pretty happy girl all day. Then my mom called. My grandfather who lives a little over an hour away is in the hospital. They're keeping him sedated while they monitor him and I'm very very upset at the fact he's in the hospital, but I'm equally upset that NONE of my family here felt it necessary to call me and tell me to get the fk out of bed and head up there! Seriously family?! What the fuck.

Then on top of that there have been many posts on my Baby Center support groups of people posting inappropriate things in the wrong place. Like seriously!!! I am not a Dr or a pregnancy test how the hell am I supposed to know if you're pregnant??!!!!

Then to top things off I just read a thing on FB where a freaking 65 year old mother of 13, through the help of IVF, is now pregnant with quadruplets. What in the actual fuck!! What fucking Dr would do that and why the hell does God allow this?!

I would like to eventually have 4 kids, but in reality I really just want one ok? Seriously I really only want one beautiful healthy baby that I can take home. Instead I have to go through losses and infertility and then on top of that I have to hear about teens and old ladies that are old enough to be my grandmother having baby after baby.

The cosmic joke that is my life continues.....