Thursday, July 28, 2016

Chasing Rainbows

Honestly I'm not even sure what to say right now. So many things have happened since my last post. The most important thing to happen was that we got to meet a new RE who explained that I've got a diminished ovarian reserve and instead of wasting time on medicated cycles, she wanted to jump right into the 3 IUI cycles that my VA OB had authorized. The day we met with her we did an ultrasound to check if it was still early enough to try right away, but I was too far into my cycle for her to be able to do anything safely. So we were left on our own for one last cycle.

I left the clinic feeling hope that I might finally get my rainbow, but at the same time I was sad that we couldn't jump right in and we are forced to wait another 3 weeks to see if nasty AF would show up. I knew in my heart of hearts that we weren't going to be one of "those couples". The couples that after years and years of trying, finally get to do a big medicated cycle and BAM on their own pregnant. When she said that I had a diminished ovarian reserve I lost hope of ever conceiving on my own again. My heart broke as I realized all of the romance was being taken out of us having a baby. No longer was HE going to be the one getting me pregnant, it was going to be the Dr and a high tech turkey baster.

Now my Dr was able to confirm that although I have a diminished reserve I did have 2 very good looking follicles (one on each ovary) that were getting ready to release on their own. She said that it's not that my eggs aren't healthy I just don't produce as many as the average woman should in any given cycle. Josh and I decided that we were going to just keep it way simple this last solo cycle and we didn't do anything crazy. Well, he didn't, I decided to use my last 2 OPKs because they were just sitting there....LOL I was able to get a positive OPK when I was supposed to get it and entered the 2ww fully feeling like a failure.

About half way into the two week wait we went on a trail ride for the first time at RTR. I noticed that Magic was extra snuggly, but I also noticed the butterfly that landed right next to his groom box. I smiled and said hello to Declan, it stayed for a moment before it flew away, but while we were on the trail I swear I saw that same butterfly following us. I couldn't help, but smile thinking that Declan was watching over his mommy on her first real trail ride. At the end, while I was un-tacking Magic he rested his head right on my shoulder and nuzzled my face a bit. I'd never had a horsey hug like that, it was really nice.

The next week I started work at my new full time job in Seattle. It was pretty great, the commute isn't terrible and the people I work with are cool too. I even work with two former class mates. Thursday came around again and once again all Magic wanted to do was snuggle. He was even moving WAY slower than normal. We were supposed to be trying to trot the barrel pattern and it was almost like he refused to go fast. I didn't understand what his deal was. Did I forget to add that Thursday I had also decided to start the POAS crazy crap?? Yup, AF wasn't due until Saturday, but I started POAS Wednesday. They were of course negative, until they weren't......

Friday June 24th: I peed on yet another stick, but it wasn't negative, there was a line.....I ran into the kitchen crying and screaming about there being a line. Josh didn't see said line so I texted a few friends and they confirmed seeing the line. I was flipping out. I called my mom and told her, I called my RE and they wanted me to come in for a blood test first thing the next morning. I tried making it through my day without losing my shit, maybe it's a fluke. That night I bought a digital. It took everything in me to not take the test right away. I barely slept.

Saturday June 25th: I woke up about an hour before my alarm went off, laid in bed contemplating using the digital test. My POASaholic self couldn't refrain and I used the digital test. The 5 longest minutes passed and I checked the test, "PREGNANT" I had a little bit less of a freak out, Josh was still sleeping and I wanted to not be in tears when I told him I really was pregnant. That after 2 long years of trying on our own (minus the 4 cycles Dr Do Nothing gave me cloMAD) we now fall into the category of one of "THOSE" couples. My RE confirmed with a blood test.

I'm now 8 weeks pregnant and impatiently waiting for my 10 week ultrasound. We already had the 7 week ultrasound and we got to see Littlefoot's heartbeat which was amazing. We're calling the baby Littlefoot because a coworker said the animated version of what baby looks like kinda looks like a dinosaur. I've got a lot more hope than I did with my second loss. This one feels right, this time it actually feels like I'll get to bring a baby home. I'll finally get to stop chasing rainbows.

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