I'm not sure why that phrase hits so many lips after a loss. "I want to get back to normal" my normal disappeared as soon as I found out Declan was gone, I then got transfered to "my baby died, normal" It's really a planet you see, every mother who has lost a child goes there and we will be there for the rest of our lives. Since I joined that planet I can honestly say that nothing is "normal" nothing is as bright and shiny as it once was before if was forced to move. Don't get me wrong I can find joy and laugh at things, but I will never again be that 100% blissfully ignorant little girl that I was when I saw those 2 lines the first time. Never again will I be able to join the "I don't know what that's like" crowd.
I thought I would be able to have a dual citizenship on the Rainbow Baby planet, but God had other plans. I don't know his reasons for things, and honestly even if I knew why I keep having to be a "Survivor" I still wouldn't like what I have to go through. Knowing the reasons why don't bring my babies back.
It hurts to say that out loud. No longer am I allowed to say baby, I have to say babies, because it's plural now. Because I have now lost 2 babies.
So what is normal for me? Grief, that is my normal. That is my day to day. But holding on to hope that one day I will have a gaggle of screaming children that annoy the hell out of me and fill me with pride is what gets me through each and every day. One day my normal will change again and one day it will be for the better.
One day I will be more than just a survivor.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Thursday, August 4, 2011
A long update
Wednesday July 27 12pm
I went in for my first OB apt and got hit with a number of suprises.
My OB said she read my file, told me how it made her sad, and then asked how I was feeling about this pregnancy. I was suprised because every other person I had seen didn't read my file so I had to sadly explain why I have no children at home. I told her how I was feeling and how I hadn't gotten in my husband's car in over a month. She was a little confused to I told her what we were told about Declan's death.
Surprise #1: She said that wasn't what killed Declan. It had nothing to do with stress, emotional or exteral. It had everything to do with me getting an infection that crossed into the placenta, then spread to his brain causing Hypoxia.
Ok so wow, nearly 2 years of guilt just flew out the window and I've pretty much fallen in love with my new OB.
So we talk a little more and she says it's ultrasound time! Woot, wasn't expecting one when I walked in, but I was hoping to talk them into giving me one so that's surise #2. I was laying there watching the screen trying to see if I could actually see anything on the machine, when I realized that she was taking a long time to show me what should have already popped up. Then I hear her tell the nurse to get the other Dr and panic set in, I asked if I should worry and she said "I just want to make sure, breath honey" The panic set in, I was alone again, and faced with the posibility of hearing the worst news a pregnant mommy can hear.
The second doctor came in, quietly confirmed, they decided to try a tummy ultrasound, still nothing. The other Dr leaves and I'm sobbing, being held yet again by a Dr I just met who is sobbing with me.
She says "There's little hope, but we're checking again tomorrow. Since you're measuring 9w4d, you're supposed to be 9w5d, so if something happened it litterally just happened either today or yesterday. If tomorrow shows the same results I will take you back to the operating room myself on Friday"
I left the hospital devistated, drove directly to Bryan's work and made him come home with me, fortunatly I didn't have to say much for him to know what was going on. We went home and he tried to keep my mind occupied with meaningless day to day crap. It didn't help much, and I got no sleep that night.
Thursday, July 28 0750
I never wanted to go to work so bad in my life. I told myself that if it's good news I'm going to work, otherwise, I'm going back to bed.
My Dr broght me back quickly and did the repeat ultrasound. With my friend Tammie by my side we waited for something to hope for. Instead she confirmed the worst, no heartbeat, no activity, no growth since yesterday. I took it better than I did the day before, but I was still hurting. After I got done with all the surgery prep I sent Bryan a text letting him know the results and called my family. The second hardest part of a miscarriage or any type of pregnancy loss is having to untell everyone about the pregnancy.
I decided to spend the day with my friend cause it was her daughter's 5 year old birthday. She's afraid her daughter's birthday will forever be tainted in my mind, but it's really not, I love that little girl too much for her birthday to be tainted, especially since the devistation was really the day before.
I spent another night sleepless.
Friday, July 29 1030am
I was a little pissed off that I had to wait alone because Bryan went to work. But then my anger turned to sheer sadness when I changed into the gown and laid in the hospital bed as I realized how alone I really was. My heart broke into so many peices. I remember talking to the Dr's and Chaplin before the surgery and then trying to after they gave me the drugs to relax me before taking me back. The next thing I remember is waking up, slowly opening my eyes, and then feeling that first (sorry tmi) gush. I started bawling. I couldn't stop it, it was like my eyes turned into a freaking ginormous waterfall. The next thing I saw was Bryan running to my side, my heart lifted a little, but it still felt horribly broken. I laid there as they gave me something for the pain and then Bryan helped me get dressed. I got wheeled to his car and they had to help me walk a little bit. On the drive home he asked what I wanted to eat, I remember asking for miso soup, he asked what about dinner, I said "chicken soup, something with chicken and soup." He took me home and I walked straight to the couch and passed out, next thing I remember is hearing him in the kitchen, and seeing a bowl of miso soup in front of me.
The rest of that day is a painful a blur.
Saturday and Sunday consisted of staying doped up on perc's and using the heating pad to ease the cramping. Bryan didn't let me do much of anything. He was so very sweet.
Monday was the same, but I was able to get off the couch and walk around, I was even able to make dinner. Tuesday I tried to go to work, but I was still in pain, this time from being constipated. Wednesday I spent the day crampy on the couch. Finally got relief at the end of the day.
So it's Thursday and the only reason I got out of bed was because I have a Dr's apt today. A follow up to make sure they got everything. I think I'm going to go home after because I have a horrible headache from trying to keep myself from breaking down at work. I just don't want to be here.
I went in for my first OB apt and got hit with a number of suprises.
My OB said she read my file, told me how it made her sad, and then asked how I was feeling about this pregnancy. I was suprised because every other person I had seen didn't read my file so I had to sadly explain why I have no children at home. I told her how I was feeling and how I hadn't gotten in my husband's car in over a month. She was a little confused to I told her what we were told about Declan's death.
Surprise #1: She said that wasn't what killed Declan. It had nothing to do with stress, emotional or exteral. It had everything to do with me getting an infection that crossed into the placenta, then spread to his brain causing Hypoxia.
Ok so wow, nearly 2 years of guilt just flew out the window and I've pretty much fallen in love with my new OB.
So we talk a little more and she says it's ultrasound time! Woot, wasn't expecting one when I walked in, but I was hoping to talk them into giving me one so that's surise #2. I was laying there watching the screen trying to see if I could actually see anything on the machine, when I realized that she was taking a long time to show me what should have already popped up. Then I hear her tell the nurse to get the other Dr and panic set in, I asked if I should worry and she said "I just want to make sure, breath honey" The panic set in, I was alone again, and faced with the posibility of hearing the worst news a pregnant mommy can hear.
The second doctor came in, quietly confirmed, they decided to try a tummy ultrasound, still nothing. The other Dr leaves and I'm sobbing, being held yet again by a Dr I just met who is sobbing with me.
She says "There's little hope, but we're checking again tomorrow. Since you're measuring 9w4d, you're supposed to be 9w5d, so if something happened it litterally just happened either today or yesterday. If tomorrow shows the same results I will take you back to the operating room myself on Friday"
I left the hospital devistated, drove directly to Bryan's work and made him come home with me, fortunatly I didn't have to say much for him to know what was going on. We went home and he tried to keep my mind occupied with meaningless day to day crap. It didn't help much, and I got no sleep that night.
Thursday, July 28 0750
I never wanted to go to work so bad in my life. I told myself that if it's good news I'm going to work, otherwise, I'm going back to bed.
My Dr broght me back quickly and did the repeat ultrasound. With my friend Tammie by my side we waited for something to hope for. Instead she confirmed the worst, no heartbeat, no activity, no growth since yesterday. I took it better than I did the day before, but I was still hurting. After I got done with all the surgery prep I sent Bryan a text letting him know the results and called my family. The second hardest part of a miscarriage or any type of pregnancy loss is having to untell everyone about the pregnancy.
I decided to spend the day with my friend cause it was her daughter's 5 year old birthday. She's afraid her daughter's birthday will forever be tainted in my mind, but it's really not, I love that little girl too much for her birthday to be tainted, especially since the devistation was really the day before.
I spent another night sleepless.
Friday, July 29 1030am
I was a little pissed off that I had to wait alone because Bryan went to work. But then my anger turned to sheer sadness when I changed into the gown and laid in the hospital bed as I realized how alone I really was. My heart broke into so many peices. I remember talking to the Dr's and Chaplin before the surgery and then trying to after they gave me the drugs to relax me before taking me back. The next thing I remember is waking up, slowly opening my eyes, and then feeling that first (sorry tmi) gush. I started bawling. I couldn't stop it, it was like my eyes turned into a freaking ginormous waterfall. The next thing I saw was Bryan running to my side, my heart lifted a little, but it still felt horribly broken. I laid there as they gave me something for the pain and then Bryan helped me get dressed. I got wheeled to his car and they had to help me walk a little bit. On the drive home he asked what I wanted to eat, I remember asking for miso soup, he asked what about dinner, I said "chicken soup, something with chicken and soup." He took me home and I walked straight to the couch and passed out, next thing I remember is hearing him in the kitchen, and seeing a bowl of miso soup in front of me.
The rest of that day is a painful a blur.
Saturday and Sunday consisted of staying doped up on perc's and using the heating pad to ease the cramping. Bryan didn't let me do much of anything. He was so very sweet.
Monday was the same, but I was able to get off the couch and walk around, I was even able to make dinner. Tuesday I tried to go to work, but I was still in pain, this time from being constipated. Wednesday I spent the day crampy on the couch. Finally got relief at the end of the day.
So it's Thursday and the only reason I got out of bed was because I have a Dr's apt today. A follow up to make sure they got everything. I think I'm going to go home after because I have a horrible headache from trying to keep myself from breaking down at work. I just don't want to be here.
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