Depression is a nightmare. It's like a mold that you can't get rid of and keeps growing back even though you've tried basically everything except for burning the house down. It's some how able to get into every crack and grow, breeding doubt and negativity like a wildfire. If you think depression only effects the person who owns the diagnosis you're wrong, depression attacks everyone remotely close to the afflicted. Depression might not be contagious, but it touches everyone. It's the reason why my life is the way that it is right now.
I live with depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I have nightmares, panic attacks for no reason, and I have days where I can't get out of bed to do anything more than go to the bathroom. Lately I haven't really even wanted to eat. I don't even get hungry. I just want to sit in bed and mess around with my Facebook games or chat with my friends on Babycenter. Somedays I don't even want to chat with my BBC friends.
I was medicated for a while and things were better, I made sure that I was on a high enough dose for it to work, but not so high that I was a happy zombie. I found a medication that worked and the only reason I got off of it was because my Dr didn't like the idea of me being on it if I got pregnant. With everything going on lately and how I've been feeling I started doing some digging and found out that it's actually the safest med to be on while pregnant. I could've stayed on my meds. Maybe then I wouldn't be the mess that I am today, but you know hind sight is 20/20.
I'm really hoping that the VA lets me stay on the medication that I was on before and doesn't try to change anything. I just want to go with what I know works, something that made me feel so much better before. Because without the meds the only thing that keeps the monsters at bay is Josh. He's like a flashlight for my head. He silences my demons. Let's me know I'm being silly when I start to freak out. He's so supportive and patient with me, I'm not sure what I ever did to deserve him. We video chatted two days ago, texted last night, and for the first time since this whole mess started I got a nightmare free sleep. It was a nice reprieve from the dark dreams. Dreams of loss and being left in the dark empty room where I feel ominous eyes watching me and waiting. If I'm lucky when I wake the feeling goes away, but most days I'm not lucky.
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
Saturday, August 22, 2015
Oh what a difference a day can make
I sit here typing in an empty room wondering how the hell everything flipped on its head....again. Once again I find myself on the brink of being single. I don't know what he's going to choose, I mean I do, but I'm still trying to hold on to some type of hope that he'll be back because he promised to give it thought until he got back from Portland. But I knew, last night as he held me, as he kissed me this morning, it felt like goodbye. Monday he was contacting friends to be his groomsmen and today he's packing up all of his things and leaving. I'm not sure if it's permanent or if it's temporary, but I do know that I'll need to dig deep and find strength either way. If he comes back can I trust that he'll stay?
I can understand why he's running even if he doesn't. It all became too much to handle and instead of talking to me about it he let it all build up and turn into this. It's my fault for trying to do too many things at once. I mean it was even a lot for me to deal with! Trying to have a baby, buy a house, and plan a wedding all at the same time was giving me anxiety. Top that off with him being treated with less than the respect he deserves by my own brother and BAM! Perfect storm of heartbreak.
So here I sit, listening to the whirl of the ceiling fan, wondering if he'll be back and wondering if I'll see those 2 lovely lines next week. Because on top of everything I could be pregnant. With the way my luck is I won't be, but you never know. We had great coverage, I had 2 strong positive days of OPKs followed by a strong ovulation pain, and my temp is looking amazing. So I'm sitting here wondering if I'm going to end up a single mom. I know I can do it, I have lots of help from family and friends, I know Josh will be involved. But I'm not telling him right away. I know that makes me sound like a mega bitch, but honestly if I told him right away he'd come back. He'd do the right thing and give his kid a two parent household and then over the years he'd grow to resent me, then I'd grow to resent him because I'd know he wasn't in the relationship because he wanted to be with me, so in the end we'd be right where we are now. So I'm going to wait.
If it came down to it, if he comes back, I'd be willing to put EVERYTHING on hold and start getting back to doing the things that we used to do. I'd help my brother and his girlfriend get their own place so Josh and I can get back to being only us. It was pretty nice when it was only us and we had a lot of fun. I think, if given the chance, we could get back to that pretty easily because he says that he still loves me and that's really the only base you need.
So instead of getting upset that he didn't tell me he was grabbing all of his things, instead of blowing up his phone with calls and texts, instead of having other people do the same thing, I'm going to sit in this quiet room and take everything day by day and hope for fucking best.
I can understand why he's running even if he doesn't. It all became too much to handle and instead of talking to me about it he let it all build up and turn into this. It's my fault for trying to do too many things at once. I mean it was even a lot for me to deal with! Trying to have a baby, buy a house, and plan a wedding all at the same time was giving me anxiety. Top that off with him being treated with less than the respect he deserves by my own brother and BAM! Perfect storm of heartbreak.
So here I sit, listening to the whirl of the ceiling fan, wondering if he'll be back and wondering if I'll see those 2 lovely lines next week. Because on top of everything I could be pregnant. With the way my luck is I won't be, but you never know. We had great coverage, I had 2 strong positive days of OPKs followed by a strong ovulation pain, and my temp is looking amazing. So I'm sitting here wondering if I'm going to end up a single mom. I know I can do it, I have lots of help from family and friends, I know Josh will be involved. But I'm not telling him right away. I know that makes me sound like a mega bitch, but honestly if I told him right away he'd come back. He'd do the right thing and give his kid a two parent household and then over the years he'd grow to resent me, then I'd grow to resent him because I'd know he wasn't in the relationship because he wanted to be with me, so in the end we'd be right where we are now. So I'm going to wait.
If it came down to it, if he comes back, I'd be willing to put EVERYTHING on hold and start getting back to doing the things that we used to do. I'd help my brother and his girlfriend get their own place so Josh and I can get back to being only us. It was pretty nice when it was only us and we had a lot of fun. I think, if given the chance, we could get back to that pretty easily because he says that he still loves me and that's really the only base you need.
So instead of getting upset that he didn't tell me he was grabbing all of his things, instead of blowing up his phone with calls and texts, instead of having other people do the same thing, I'm going to sit in this quiet room and take everything day by day and hope for fucking best.
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