Going a little crazy

Declan's 2nd birthday is next week. I'm trying to stay sane. Key word being trying. I've been keeping myself distracted with my angel group, photography group, and thinking of trying again. I'm determined to try again.

The other thing that is driving me crazy is thinking I only have 3 prime days to ttc (try to conceive) this month. Bryan leaves on the 25th, I should ovulate on the 28th, meaning peak fertile days start on the 23rd. And if I don't get knocked up this month I won't get to ttc until December. And here is where I've gone a little crazy. I figured that if I get prego in january that gives me a September baby, BUT if I get prego in February I will no kidding be due on or around Declan's 3rd birthday. However my wonderful friends have made it clear that this shouldn't be a bad thing. Instead if I end up with another October baby I would no longer dread that month or those days. Sure I will be sad, but I would actually have something to look forward to.

So my goal when Bryan leaves is to full up my time by going to the gym, running, and trying everything I can to lose this 20 pounds before I fly to cali in December. What a surprise it will be when I go to my husband's graduation 20 pounds lighter and ready to gain it all back lol.

You know I was watching the Lion King yesterday and I found so much more meaning in it than I did when I was younger. Especially with the following quote "Yes the past hurts, but you can either run from it, or you can learn from it."

What can I possibly learn from losing my baby you ask? I learned this.

1: it's ok to hurt
2: it's ok to cry
3: it's ok to scream
4: it's ok to get pissed off
5: it's ok to move on
6: it's ok to be afraid
7: it's ok to share your story
8: it's ok to get a little jealous
9: it's ok to get distracted
10: it's ok to force your Dr to listen
11: losing your mucous plug a little early doesn't mean you're close to having a baby, it means you need to go to the dr and force them to check you and make sure you don't have an infection that can kill your baby.
12: and oh yeah, it's ok to go a little crazy

Internal balance

I saw my shrink yesterday she said that I need to balance myself internally. She thinks that I'm too obsessed with having a baby and believes that said obsession is going to hinder my goal to become a mommy. She says I put on a good show on the out side with my seemingly balanced life and fake smiles, but inside I'm a mess. I confess she's right. I set up my life so that I could give my child the best possible start, so I wouldn't have to choose between new shoes for me or them. I've lost 2 babies and my heart is broken. I honestly don't know what to be if I can't have babies. I need to be a mother. Though there's nothing wrong with my need or my goal, it is not ok for that to be my only focus. So I'm shooting for internal balance.

She also said that even if I don't go back to Cali for Declan's birthday that I should still do something here.

So here's the plan to balance me out:
I have to do more stuff that makes me happy. I am going to dive into my photography and take my dad's advice on making story books. On to of that I'm going to finish my scrap book for Declan and finish school. I actually started class this morning. Getting 15 of the 63 credits I need for my associates in pre-nursing taken care of. By this time next year I'm hoping to be submitting my application to an actual nursing program.

So being balanced internally is the goal. The first steps are being taken and I'm asking God for help.

I do have a request for you though. On top of all this madness in my life I have been tossed another faith testing curve ball. I am requesting your prayers for my Mom, her tumor is back though we don't know if it's cancerous this time. Either way this is the 3rd time it's happened, the first time was in 96 or 97 and then again in 09. We are waiting for test results and praying for clean scans. So please pray for my Mom. Thanks.

Ps
I'm attaching a few photos that I've taken. Enjoy.

Keeping busy

So I've always realized that the more I keep busy the less I tend to dwell on the horrible past. Unfortunately I haven't been keeping busy lately and all I can think about is how I'm going to handle next month. All I can think about is how badly I already want to curl into a ball and do absolutely nothing. I don't know how to deal with another year, another "birthday" another day that holds horrible memories. The month of October will never be the same for me. I will never find happiness on the 18th, 19th, 20th, 21st, or the 29th.

Oct 18th was the last day I remember feeling my son move, Oct 19th was the day I found out that my life would never be the same, it's the day that I found out that I would be delivering a dead baby, Oct 20th my son was born sleeping, he was beautiful and he was big and heavy, he looked like he was sleeping, Oct 21st I was forced to leave the hospital with empty arms, and Oct 29th was the day I was forced to bury my son.

Last year I was able to sit next to his grave, talk to him, and give him a halloween bucket full of white mums, but this year I'm forced to be here in Washington, I can't go visit my son, I can't sit next to his grave and I can't give him a halloween bucket full of mums.

On top of not being able to visit my son's grave, I am also realizing how big and fat my belly should be right now. I should be half way done right now, I should be complaining about the baby that should be using my bladder as a trampoline, of swollen feet, and having to pee every 5 minutes. But I have none of that. Nothing to really keep me distracted from this screaming emptiness in my head. In my heart.

How do you make the screaming emptiness go away?

Figuring things out

I've been racking my brain trying to figure out what to do with this blog. The original intent was to update my family and friends wishing to know how I was doing with my pregnancy, but as I an no longer pregnant I haven't been able to figure out a good purpose to maintain it any longer. Then I realized that there is something wrong with the way society allows mothers like me to grieve. 
Basically we aren't allowed to. We aren't allowed to grieve openly. Sure people say we can talk to them, but most people when we do try to talk tend to get uncomfortable.
But what makes me mad the most are the things people say to us. So here is a lost of what NOT to say:
And yes I have heard these things.
"well it's a good thing he died cause he might have been retarded"
"don't worry you can have more"
"it wasn't a good time for you now anyway"

there are more that I haven't been told personally but you get the point.

What you should say is:
"I'm sorry for your loss"
"you'll be a great parent someday"
If you mean it say you'll be there to hold my hand while I cry or listen while I talk about how I feel.

So here it is. My blog is dedicated to mothers like me. Mothers who want to gain the strength to tell the world fuck off, I'm going to grieve openly, I'm going to cry because my baby died and I'm going to get angry when I see parents that don't appreciate their children, parents that let their children do unsafe things. Sometimes I'm going to cry when I see a pregnant woman or a newborn baby because I don't have what I should because for some reason God decided he needed my children more than I did.

So don't tell us to "get over it" because you wouldn't say that to someone who lost a parent or a friend or some other person close to them, but for some reason people say that shit to grieving mothers of unborn dead babies.

Maybe this blog will make a difference, maybe it won't, maybe you'll disregard me as a crazy chick that can't let go. But I'm not going to stop. I'm going to let others know how I'm grieving openly and without shame and maybe, just maybe, another mother will be able to do the same.

Back to normal

I'm not sure why that phrase hits so many lips after a loss. "I want to get back to normal" my normal disappeared as soon as I found out Declan was gone, I then got transfered to "my baby died, normal" It's really a planet you see, every mother who has lost a child goes there and we will be there for the rest of our lives. Since I joined that planet I can honestly say that nothing is "normal" nothing is as bright and shiny as it once was before if was forced to move. Don't get me wrong I can find joy and laugh at things, but I will never again be that 100% blissfully ignorant little girl that I was when I saw those 2 lines the first time. Never again will I be able to join the "I don't know what that's like" crowd.
I thought I would be able to have a dual citizenship on the Rainbow Baby planet, but God had other plans. I don't know his reasons for things, and honestly even if I knew why I keep having to be a "Survivor" I still wouldn't like what I have to go through. Knowing the reasons why don't bring my babies back.
It hurts to say that out loud. No longer am I allowed to say baby, I have to say babies, because it's plural now. Because I have now lost 2 babies.

So what is normal for me? Grief, that is my normal. That is my day to day. But holding on to hope that one day I will have a gaggle of screaming children that annoy the hell out of me and fill me with pride is what gets me through each and every day. One day my normal will change again and one day it will be for the better.
One day I will be more than just a survivor.

A long update

Wednesday July 27 12pm
I went in for my first OB apt and got hit with a number of suprises.
My OB said she read my file, told me how it made her sad, and then asked how I was feeling about this pregnancy. I was suprised because every other person I had seen didn't read my file so I had to sadly explain why I have no children at home. I told her how I was feeling and how I hadn't gotten in my husband's car in over a month. She was a little confused to I told her what we were told about Declan's death.
Surprise #1: She said that wasn't what killed Declan. It had nothing to do with stress, emotional or exteral. It had everything to do with me getting an infection that crossed into the placenta, then spread to his brain causing Hypoxia.
Ok so wow, nearly 2 years of guilt just flew out the window and I've pretty much fallen in love with my new OB.
So we talk a little more and she says it's ultrasound time! Woot, wasn't expecting one when I walked in, but I was hoping to talk them into giving me one so that's surise #2. I was laying there watching the screen trying to see if I could actually see anything on the machine, when I realized that she was taking a long time to show me what should have already popped up. Then I hear her tell the nurse to get the other Dr and panic set in, I asked if I should worry and she said "I just want to make sure, breath honey" The panic set in, I was alone again, and faced with the posibility of hearing the worst news a pregnant mommy can hear.
The second doctor came in, quietly confirmed, they decided to try a tummy ultrasound, still nothing. The other Dr leaves and I'm sobbing, being held yet again by a Dr I just met who is sobbing with me.
She says "There's little hope, but we're checking again tomorrow. Since you're measuring 9w4d, you're supposed to be 9w5d, so if something happened it litterally just happened either today or yesterday. If tomorrow shows the same results I will take you back to the operating room myself on Friday"
I left the hospital devistated, drove directly to Bryan's work and made him come home with me, fortunatly I didn't have to say much for him to know what was going on. We went home and he tried to keep my mind occupied with meaningless day to day crap. It didn't help much, and I got no sleep that night.

Thursday, July 28 0750
I never wanted to go to work so bad in my life. I told myself that if it's good news I'm going to work, otherwise, I'm going back to bed.
My Dr broght me back quickly and did the repeat ultrasound. With my friend Tammie by my side we waited for something to hope for. Instead she confirmed the worst, no heartbeat, no activity, no growth since yesterday. I took it better than I did the day before, but I was still hurting. After I got done with all the surgery prep I sent Bryan a text letting him know the results and called my family. The second hardest part of a miscarriage or any type of pregnancy loss is having to untell everyone about the pregnancy.
I decided to spend the day with my friend cause it was her daughter's 5 year old birthday. She's afraid her daughter's birthday will forever be tainted in my mind, but it's really not, I love that little girl too much for her birthday to be tainted, especially since the devistation was really the day before.
I spent another night sleepless.

Friday, July 29 1030am
I was a little pissed off that I had to wait alone because Bryan went to work. But then my anger turned to sheer sadness when I changed into the gown and laid in the hospital bed as I realized how alone I really was. My heart broke into so many peices. I remember talking to the Dr's and Chaplin before the surgery and then trying to after they gave me the drugs to relax me before taking me back. The next thing I remember is waking up, slowly opening my eyes, and then feeling that first (sorry tmi) gush. I started bawling. I couldn't stop it, it was like my eyes turned into a freaking ginormous waterfall. The next thing I saw was Bryan running to my side, my heart lifted a little, but it still felt horribly broken. I laid there as they gave me something for the pain and then Bryan helped me get dressed. I got wheeled to his car and they had to help me walk a little bit. On the drive home he asked what I wanted to eat, I remember asking for miso soup, he asked what about dinner, I said "chicken soup, something with chicken and soup." He took me home and I walked straight to the couch and passed out, next thing I remember is hearing him in the kitchen, and seeing a bowl of miso soup in front of me.
The rest of that day is a painful a blur.

Saturday and Sunday consisted of staying doped up on perc's and using the heating pad to ease the cramping. Bryan didn't let me do much of anything. He was so very sweet.
Monday was the same, but I was able to get off the couch and walk around, I was even able to make dinner. Tuesday I tried to go to work, but I was still in pain, this time from being constipated. Wednesday I spent the day crampy on the couch. Finally got relief at the end of the day.

So it's Thursday and the only reason I got out of bed was because I have a Dr's apt today. A follow up to make sure they got everything. I think I'm going to go home after because I have a horrible headache from trying to keep myself from breaking down at work. I just don't want to be here.

ER Trip yesterday

I was feeling crampy all day, nothing big just figured it was gas. But it didn't go away even after a ginormous BM (sorry TMI) so I decided to go to the ER. Turns out that I have a UTI. Super lame. I got meds and started taking them right away. Yay for orange pee...haha not
The upside was they did an U/S so I got to see the baby!! HB is 158! They did a regular U/S so the baby only looked like a blob but the HB was unmistakable and I got to SEE it! It was amazing.
So they said my cramping was actually in my bladder and it should go away soon.

Strange though even after I got to see the baby it still doesn't feel real to me. Maybe at my next apt they will do a better U/S so the blob will look like a baby and I can hear the HB.

This is why I love him

Tonight I was telling him about the appointment fiasco and he made me repeat the following for 5 minutes "I am fine, the baby is fine, we know what happened to Declan, I need to stop freaking out because we are just fine" then he gave me a hug and let me give him a kiss.
I know he's got a lot of ground to cover when it comes to fixing things within himself, but its nights like this that make me think he's going to get better. I'm still guarded, and I'm not expcting anything overnight, but I am hopeful.
And I wanted to share a good moment that happened because I know sometimes I make him look like the worlds biggest asshole (cause sometimes he is)

The trouble with Dr's

My assigned clinic through tri-care doesn't deal with pregnant women so I made an appointment with the hospital on base because I want Bryan to have easy access to the hospital I am being seen at. Well I had my first apt today and I was orginally told that I would have an ultrasound done and would be able to talk to the high risk OB today.
Get to my apt only to find out they don't do early ultrasounds for anyone and I won't see the doctor until I'm 10 weeks. I had to cry in order to get an apt with the high risk OB! I was so pissed throughout today, but I contacted my old HROB and she said not to worry the HROB here will do everything I want and she made sure that the medical center has my electronic file with all of my medical history. So at the end of the day I'm getting what I want. But come the 27th if I don't like what I hear when I see my actual Dr, I don't care where I have to go, but I will find a Dr that will do my bidding.

I'm trying very very hard to not freak out and stay positive, like I said in a previous post I am lucky to have such wonderful friends and family that support me. I love you all.

Rainbow Jellybean

So early in the month of May Bryan and I had talked about finally trying again. He wanted me healthy and cleared both mentally and physically. I agreed and started the process on getting cleared.
My shrink cleared me and I was waiting for my June 20th apt for my full blown physical. Apparently God had other plans.
Fast forward to the second week of June, I'm super moody, super tired, and super nautious. So I start wondering well "what if." Little miss Aunt Flow was due June 14th.....she's late June 15th....I guess I'll take a test. So I stop by Wal-Mart on my way home, I wasn't planning on taking the test until the next morning because that's what you're supposed to do, but as soon as I paid for the box of tests (They were on sale a box of 3 for $7!) I had to pee. I rushed home, yelled hello when I walked in the door and snuck upstairs. I took the test, placed it on the floor and called my sister.
I decided then I was being silly, I was only 1 day late, it's going to be negative, I'm an idiot and went to throw away the test. I picked it up and immediatly started freaking out! My sister calmed me down, made me repeat what I just said. "It's freaking positive I'm pregnant!!!!"
At this point I hear Bryan yell from downstairs. I get off the phone after swearing her to secrecy and run downstairs pee stick in hand (washed off and capped of course) and he's waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs.
There's a slight staring contest, I break the silence first, hold out the stick and say "HA Ready or not" and bam my tears start flowing again. He takes the stick, stares at it for a minute, looks at me and says "how did this happen?" So I explain. He says "oh, why did you take a test?" I explain again. "he says Oh"

So far Bryan has been way more outwardly emotional and excited about this pregnancy, which makes me very happy. I'm not praying and hoping that I get to take this one home.

Healing

It may be strange to have numberous posts in the same day, but I'm a rebbel HAHA I do as I please, most of the time.

Since Declan died Bryan and I have had issues with grieving. We didn't agree with each other's method for a long time, and it has caused a lot of issues. I think he drinks too much, he thinks I'm too emotional and can't let go. Finally we have come to terms with one another, but it took over a year and a half after Declan's death to figure it all out. I'm still stuck in the middle of him and my family, but I refuse to pick sides. Sooner or later they are either going to have to duke it out or talk it out, either way I'm not giving up on either side.

Before we moved from San Diego to Washington I would visit Declan's grave often. My friend Emma and I would sometimes have lunch with him and we would sit and reminice on all the hilarious grief Declan would give me when I was doing something he didn't like. I'm sad we now live so far away from one another, she was the first person I told about my pregnancy. I ran across the little lane sparating our apartments and banged on her door so hard I probably could have broken it down. When she asked what was wrong I told her I was pregnant and we both preceded to scream and hug and jump on her front porch.

Sadly I've moved and can no longer visit Declan's grave, but I talk to him often and that brings me solace. But I believe that God has a plan and I have made the most wonderful friends since moving here. Some even have a matching pair of the ugly shoes. I have truly been blessed with such a support system.

To all my ladies, I may have only known some of you a few months, but I love you all. Thank you for being my friends.

Little Saints

My background is kind of simple. I have a wonderful family, I married my high school sweet heart, I have 2 kitties that I cherish and spoil, and I have one wonderful angel.
The first part of my blog is called little saints because that is the nickname that I have for my son. My beautiful boy that gave me 9 months of pure bliss. His name was Declan, it means "full of goodness", and he was born sleeping October 20, 2009 at 37 weeks gestation, he was 7 lbs 10.2 oz and 21 inches long. It took four months to get the results of his autopsy, he was somehow stressed out causing him to aspirate muconium and stop breathing. I was never stressed, the only thing we have to go on are theories about a bumpy freeway that caused a prolonged tightening of my uterus three days prior to his death. Saturday, October 17th my husband and I were driving to my parents' house for my nephew's 3rd birthday party. The freeway offramp had horrible potholes that were unavoidable and very pronounced in my husbands lowered sports car causing me to tighten up, it lasted about 2 minutes. My stomach tightened but when I got to my parents house I sat down, drank water, ate, and relaxed. Declan was moving like normal within a few minutes, I thought nothing of it afterwards.
October 18: I distinctly remember eating breakfast at IHOP, I had strawberry waffles with a glass of OJ, I watched as my belly moved and enjoyed knowing my baby was wiggling.
October 19: Due to traffic I missed my early morning apt and had to reschedule for the afternoon. I will forever wonder if those few hours would have saved my little boy. I ended up having to pick my husband up from work early and as we went through the drive-thru of In-N-Out I felt a few contractions that I hadn't felt before. They didn't hurt but they were uncomfortable. Even though I tried getting my husband to go to the check up with me, he refused, he didn't see the point he'll be more involved when the baby comes.
I remember sitting in the front office waiting for my NP to call me back. I remember her saying I can't find the heartbeat maybe he flipped. I remember thinking "I hope you didn't flip little boy I really want to push you out." I remember my NP bringing in the ultra-sound machine and saying she didn't know how to use it so she was getting the Doctor. I remember the doctor taking over and hitting some buttons, not saying a word. I remember her saying "There's the chest cavity, but I see no activity" I remember her saying "Honey I'm so sorry" I remember screaming "No" so loud, but I wasn't able to hear it, I remember the nurse and doctor both wrapping their arms around me as I screamed even more. I remember them doing everything they could to contact someone. I remember rubbing my belly and saying "move baby, move for mommy, please move" I remember feeling the start of my contractions in my belly. I remember having to tell my friend to get my husband because his phone and car were in the shop. I remember having to tell my husband over the phone that our son was gone and I was going to the hospital. I remember talking to my family, my sister, my mom, my dad. I remember following my friend to the hospital. I remember the nurse hugging me and telling me she was sorry for my loss, and I almost yelled at her "Can we please verify before you say that please" I remember the look on my husband's face when they did verify our son was gone. I remember them asking me if I had felt him move today, and from that day fourth it was the only thing I cannot remember.

That night was a horrible night, my husband took my phone and told everyone as I was being prepped for induction to help my already progressing labor go faster. My husband and father started fighting because dad wanted to come down and see me, but my husband didn't want them to come yet. I was stuck in the middle already having to choose sides. I chose my own, I wasn't ready for visitors, give me space give me time. They came anyway, but not before my husband barred them from the hospital further infurriating my father.

My labor went by rather quickly, the nurses and other staff were awesome with my care. They made sure my husband was fed and that we both were comfortable. I remember everytime I cried my husband would come hold my hand and he never left my side.

October 20: I'm not sure what time I felt the urge to push but it didn't feel like I pushed for very long. My husband didn't want to see so I allowed him to leave the room as I held our baby. Declan was perfect. I remember saying "Oh my goodness he's so heavy" and the nurse stood by my side and admired him with me. I touched every finger, every toe, I smelled him, kissed him, and cuddled him. Then I had to do the hardest thing of all and give him to the nurse. I said I need my husband and handed her my precious boy. My husband came back in and we just held each other and talked about stupid stuff. I remember saying "I feel like a half deflated balloon" my husband responded "We'll get you filled back up again soon"

I was released from the hospital the next day and I remember that I wanted to get all the details of Declan's funeral set in stone. I finally called my family and let them know I was ready for visitors. Dad didn't want to come, he was too hurt. For my husband this was the last straw, they aren't allowed to come down here. It's been a huge battle ever since. To whom do I stay loyal? My family or my husband.

Thursday October 29 we buried our son next to a few other babies. It was a wonderful ceremony that my parents didn't attend, but neither did his and we weren't having issues with them. When we got home it was the first and last time I remember seeing my husband cry about wanting Declan back.

Since then life has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs.