I'm not sure why that phrase hits so many lips after a loss. "I want to get back to normal" my normal disappeared as soon as I found out Declan was gone, I then got transfered to "my baby died, normal" It's really a planet you see, every mother who has lost a child goes there and we will be there for the rest of our lives. Since I joined that planet I can honestly say that nothing is "normal" nothing is as bright and shiny as it once was before if was forced to move. Don't get me wrong I can find joy and laugh at things, but I will never again be that 100% blissfully ignorant little girl that I was when I saw those 2 lines the first time. Never again will I be able to join the "I don't know what that's like" crowd.
I thought I would be able to have a dual citizenship on the Rainbow Baby planet, but God had other plans. I don't know his reasons for things, and honestly even if I knew why I keep having to be a "Survivor" I still wouldn't like what I have to go through. Knowing the reasons why don't bring my babies back.
It hurts to say that out loud. No longer am I allowed to say baby, I have to say babies, because it's plural now. Because I have now lost 2 babies.
So what is normal for me? Grief, that is my normal. That is my day to day. But holding on to hope that one day I will have a gaggle of screaming children that annoy the hell out of me and fill me with pride is what gets me through each and every day. One day my normal will change again and one day it will be for the better.
One day I will be more than just a survivor.