Lilypie - Memorial

Lilypie - Memorial

Lilypie - Trying to Conceive

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Figuring things out

I've been racking my brain trying to figure out what to do with this blog. The original intent was to update my family and friends wishing to know how I was doing with my pregnancy, but as I an no longer pregnant I haven't been able to figure out a good purpose to maintain it any longer. Then I realized that there is something wrong with the way society allows mothers like me to grieve. 
Basically we aren't allowed to. We aren't allowed to grieve openly. Sure people say we can talk to them, but most people when we do try to talk tend to get uncomfortable.
But what makes me mad the most are the things people say to us. So here is a lost of what NOT to say:
And yes I have heard these things.
"well it's a good thing he died cause he might have been retarded"
"don't worry you can have more"
"it wasn't a good time for you now anyway"

there are more that I haven't been told personally but you get the point.

What you should say is:
"I'm sorry for your loss"
"you'll be a great parent someday"
If you mean it say you'll be there to hold my hand while I cry or listen while I talk about how I feel.

So here it is. My blog is dedicated to mothers like me. Mothers who want to gain the strength to tell the world fuck off, I'm going to grieve openly, I'm going to cry because my baby died and I'm going to get angry when I see parents that don't appreciate their children, parents that let their children do unsafe things. Sometimes I'm going to cry when I see a pregnant woman or a newborn baby because I don't have what I should because for some reason God decided he needed my children more than I did.

So don't tell us to "get over it" because you wouldn't say that to someone who lost a parent or a friend or some other person close to them, but for some reason people say that shit to grieving mothers of unborn dead babies.

Maybe this blog will make a difference, maybe it won't, maybe you'll disregard me as a crazy chick that can't let go. But I'm not going to stop. I'm going to let others know how I'm grieving openly and without shame and maybe, just maybe, another mother will be able to do the same.


  1. i found your blog through your siggy on bbc. i am so, so sorry that you are going through the loss of two babies. my heart goes out to you.

    not that i have a say in the matter, but i think you should continue the blog and use it as a place to record your journey through these incredibly painful losses and beyond.

    i am in IVFer, and blogging is pretty much the only way i was able to survive the physical and emotional crap that goes along with infertility treatments and two early losses. it is cathartic to get it all out, it helps your friends and family understand where you are in your journey with less invasive and uncomfortable communication from them, and it will be invaluable for you to look back one day and see where you came from...not that you will ever forget, but it will remind you how strong you are.

  2. I, too, found you on BBC and just want to tell you that I'm sorry for the loss of your two children. I cannot imagine the pain you are goign through. And you are right about the way society does not think it's "right" to greive or talk about miscarriges or losses in public, I have never understood that. I have friends and family that have lost babies and they have to suffer in secrecy! Good for you and your voice for other women!