Monday, September 19, 2011

Keeping busy

So I've always realized that the more I keep busy the less I tend to dwell on the horrible past. Unfortunately I haven't been keeping busy lately and all I can think about is how I'm going to handle next month. All I can think about is how badly I already want to curl into a ball and do absolutely nothing. I don't know how to deal with another year, another "birthday" another day that holds horrible memories. The month of October will never be the same for me. I will never find happiness on the 18th, 19th, 20th, 21st, or the 29th.

Oct 18th was the last day I remember feeling my son move, Oct 19th was the day I found out that my life would never be the same, it's the day that I found out that I would be delivering a dead baby, Oct 20th my son was born sleeping, he was beautiful and he was big and heavy, he looked like he was sleeping, Oct 21st I was forced to leave the hospital with empty arms, and Oct 29th was the day I was forced to bury my son.

Last year I was able to sit next to his grave, talk to him, and give him a halloween bucket full of white mums, but this year I'm forced to be here in Washington, I can't go visit my son, I can't sit next to his grave and I can't give him a halloween bucket full of mums.

On top of not being able to visit my son's grave, I am also realizing how big and fat my belly should be right now. I should be half way done right now, I should be complaining about the baby that should be using my bladder as a trampoline, of swollen feet, and having to pee every 5 minutes. But I have none of that. Nothing to really keep me distracted from this screaming emptiness in my head. In my heart.

How do you make the screaming emptiness go away?

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