I saw my shrink yesterday she said that I need to balance myself internally. She thinks that I'm too obsessed with having a baby and believes that said obsession is going to hinder my goal to become a mommy. She says I put on a good show on the out side with my seemingly balanced life and fake smiles, but inside I'm a mess. I confess she's right. I set up my life so that I could give my child the best possible start, so I wouldn't have to choose between new shoes for me or them. I've lost 2 babies and my heart is broken. I honestly don't know what to be if I can't have babies. I need to be a mother. Though there's nothing wrong with my need or my goal, it is not ok for that to be my only focus. So I'm shooting for internal balance.
She also said that even if I don't go back to Cali for Declan's birthday that I should still do something here.
So here's the plan to balance me out:
I have to do more stuff that makes me happy. I am going to dive into my photography and take my dad's advice on making story books. On to of that I'm going to finish my scrap book for Declan and finish school. I actually started class this morning. Getting 15 of the 63 credits I need for my associates in pre-nursing taken care of. By this time next year I'm hoping to be submitting my application to an actual nursing program.
So being balanced internally is the goal. The first steps are being taken and I'm asking God for help.
I do have a request for you though. On top of all this madness in my life I have been tossed another faith testing curve ball. I am requesting your prayers for my Mom, her tumor is back though we don't know if it's cancerous this time. Either way this is the 3rd time it's happened, the first time was in 96 or 97 and then again in 09. We are waiting for test results and praying for clean scans. So please pray for my Mom. Thanks.
I'm attaching a few photos that I've taken. Enjoy.