This is taking forever

I finally got to start the clomid. I took CD5-9 as directed and started testing with OPKs on CD10. I finally got to see the line darken and go to almost positive on the CD12 and 13. Temp dip indicated that I actually ovulated on CD14. So here I am CD18 and 4DPO. The wait is killing me. I want to test so badly, but I know it'll just be a BFN. I wouldn't be able to see anything until I'm at least 12DPO which is NEXT Sunday. I know it's only a week, but I've been waiting for a take home baby for almost 6 years now. Having to wait a whole other week feels like an eternity.

I spoke with my Dr yesterday and thanks to the positive OPK she's decided that keeping me on 50mg of clomid is the best course of action for now. She's also finally in agreement that I very likely have a mild case of Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. Although I'm happy that I've finally got a diagnosis and a reason to why my body doesn't want to get pregnant, I am also upset that it took her this long to believe that there IS something wrong with me. I've had signs of PCOS since October and this whole time that I was fighting her to do something was unnecessary. She should've done something months ago, then maybe instead of waiting to pee on a stick I could be waiting to deliver my rainbow baby. It's just not fair that she put me through all those months of heartache and disappointment.

But that's okay, because now I'm halfway into the 2 week wait and really excited to see those two pink lines.

Someday

Pretty much all of our lives we've been told that sex makes babies. If you have sex unprotected just once you'll get pregnant. That's what they've stressed to us through out middle school and high school and even while I was in the Marines. During our weekly weekend safety briefs we would always be told to use protection unless we wanted to add another dependent to our records. I quickly found out when Bryan and I started TTC for Declan that it wasn't the case. I found out that sometimes it can take a while. When you're younger than 30 it can take up to 6 months to almost a year before you can get pregnant and you only have a 15% chance of getting pregnant each month, then you have a 1 in 6 chance of making it through the first trimester, then your chances get better, but by no means is there such thing as a safe zone.

With that being said yes I know I'm only 30, but I'm dealing with irregular periods and no obvious signs of ovulation. This makes me infertile Mertle. This makes it to where just having sex and tracking my cycles aren't going to equal baby for me. I thought perhaps after the HSG I would have a miracle BFP and of course I got my hopes up way way too far because here I am super exhausted on CD 2 wishing I hadn't spent so much on those damn HPTs. I hate stupid long cycles.

So yeah CD 2 means that I will have to take the clomid in 3 days. That means that I have an increased chance at conception because I will for sure ovulate and I have a 10% chance at having twins. The really scary part here is that if I'm successful on the first round I'll have another February due date. It's mildly terrifying to know that I'll be going through almost the exact same timeline that I went through  with my miscarriage. I sit here staring at the packet of pills wondering if all of this crap is worth it. Then I remember the dream that I had (a first of it's kind) where I was snuggling a baby that I actually gave birth to, he was mine and mine alone, and I woke up not feeling sad like I had expected to, but feeling like maybe just maybe I'll actually have that happen. Someone will look at the adorable little squishy chunky baby in my arms and comment on their cuteness, and I'll be able to respond like a proud momma.

Someday everything that I've been though will be worth all of this pain. So on the days I feel terrible, I just need to remember that dream and keep holding on to someday.....

A place to call home

I had been house hunting for a few months when my real estate agent told me about a place that fit all my criteria and was close to Seattle. I saw the photos online and was very excited to see it in person, but when I did I fell in love with the house. 4 bedrooms, 2 full bathrooms, 1800 square feet, nice sized yard, garage, gazebo with a hot tub. It was perfect. I got with the lender I had been working with and started the process of getting the pre-approval letter. I started getting to work on all the things he said that I needed in order to get the final approval. I drained my savings, paid things off, and waited for it all to post to my credit so that we could close on the house. That's when we started having problems with the lenders. They were dragging their feet, instead of requesting a rapid rescore, they wanted things to update naturally, well some things take longer than others and that combined with the underwriters not liking my part-time job (even though it's responsible for less than 1/4 of my income) resulted in my not getting a loan. I changed lenders, the new guy is telling me he can make the loan work, I need to do a few more things, he'll do a rapid rescore, but he needs 30 more days added to the closing date. Thanks to the old lenders we had already needed to extend once, so the sellers of the home refused to extend again unless I paid their lot rent for the month of May. Since the seller of the land was refusing to pay closing costs and I was paying more money to fix things, we decided it was just too much and moved on to looking for a new home. I'm currently waiting for my earnest money back. It sucks I really liked that house.

So this past week has been filled with looking at house after house via my agent and redfin. I would find a house I like, but it wouldn't go VA, he'd send me a house that would, but it'd be too small. I am trying to get a house that I can live in forever and a 2 bedroom won't cut it. I got a new email that had a 2 bedroom, really nice outside, the difference between this one and the others is that the basement is partially furnished and adds almost 1000 more square feet to the house. I can live with that. Then last night I was browsing again and saw a new listing. I've fallen in love with the photos, then fell even deeper when I saw it'll go VA. It's a 4/5 bedroom 2 bathroom house with a large yard and 2 car garage. I can't wait until 430. We set up a showing for this weekend. I just really hope that the houses don't let me down, I need a place to call home and raise my rainbow babies.