Tuesday, July 12, 2011

ER Trip yesterday

I was feeling crampy all day, nothing big just figured it was gas. But it didn't go away even after a ginormous BM (sorry TMI) so I decided to go to the ER. Turns out that I have a UTI. Super lame. I got meds and started taking them right away. Yay for orange pee...haha not
The upside was they did an U/S so I got to see the baby!! HB is 158! They did a regular U/S so the baby only looked like a blob but the HB was unmistakable and I got to SEE it! It was amazing.
So they said my cramping was actually in my bladder and it should go away soon.

Strange though even after I got to see the baby it still doesn't feel real to me. Maybe at my next apt they will do a better U/S so the blob will look like a baby and I can hear the HB.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

This is why I love him

Tonight I was telling him about the appointment fiasco and he made me repeat the following for 5 minutes "I am fine, the baby is fine, we know what happened to Declan, I need to stop freaking out because we are just fine" then he gave me a hug and let me give him a kiss.
I know he's got a lot of ground to cover when it comes to fixing things within himself, but its nights like this that make me think he's going to get better. I'm still guarded, and I'm not expcting anything overnight, but I am hopeful.
And I wanted to share a good moment that happened because I know sometimes I make him look like the worlds biggest asshole (cause sometimes he is)

The trouble with Dr's

My assigned clinic through tri-care doesn't deal with pregnant women so I made an appointment with the hospital on base because I want Bryan to have easy access to the hospital I am being seen at. Well I had my first apt today and I was orginally told that I would have an ultrasound done and would be able to talk to the high risk OB today.
Get to my apt only to find out they don't do early ultrasounds for anyone and I won't see the doctor until I'm 10 weeks. I had to cry in order to get an apt with the high risk OB! I was so pissed throughout today, but I contacted my old HROB and she said not to worry the HROB here will do everything I want and she made sure that the medical center has my electronic file with all of my medical history. So at the end of the day I'm getting what I want. But come the 27th if I don't like what I hear when I see my actual Dr, I don't care where I have to go, but I will find a Dr that will do my bidding.

I'm trying very very hard to not freak out and stay positive, like I said in a previous post I am lucky to have such wonderful friends and family that support me. I love you all.

Rainbow Jellybean

So early in the month of May Bryan and I had talked about finally trying again. He wanted me healthy and cleared both mentally and physically. I agreed and started the process on getting cleared.
My shrink cleared me and I was waiting for my June 20th apt for my full blown physical. Apparently God had other plans.
Fast forward to the second week of June, I'm super moody, super tired, and super nautious. So I start wondering well "what if." Little miss Aunt Flow was due June 14th.....she's late June 15th....I guess I'll take a test. So I stop by Wal-Mart on my way home, I wasn't planning on taking the test until the next morning because that's what you're supposed to do, but as soon as I paid for the box of tests (They were on sale a box of 3 for $7!) I had to pee. I rushed home, yelled hello when I walked in the door and snuck upstairs. I took the test, placed it on the floor and called my sister.
I decided then I was being silly, I was only 1 day late, it's going to be negative, I'm an idiot and went to throw away the test. I picked it up and immediatly started freaking out! My sister calmed me down, made me repeat what I just said. "It's freaking positive I'm pregnant!!!!"
At this point I hear Bryan yell from downstairs. I get off the phone after swearing her to secrecy and run downstairs pee stick in hand (washed off and capped of course) and he's waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs.
There's a slight staring contest, I break the silence first, hold out the stick and say "HA Ready or not" and bam my tears start flowing again. He takes the stick, stares at it for a minute, looks at me and says "how did this happen?" So I explain. He says "oh, why did you take a test?" I explain again. "he says Oh"

So far Bryan has been way more outwardly emotional and excited about this pregnancy, which makes me very happy. I'm not praying and hoping that I get to take this one home.

Healing

It may be strange to have numberous posts in the same day, but I'm a rebbel HAHA I do as I please, most of the time.

Since Declan died Bryan and I have had issues with grieving. We didn't agree with each other's method for a long time, and it has caused a lot of issues. I think he drinks too much, he thinks I'm too emotional and can't let go. Finally we have come to terms with one another, but it took over a year and a half after Declan's death to figure it all out. I'm still stuck in the middle of him and my family, but I refuse to pick sides. Sooner or later they are either going to have to duke it out or talk it out, either way I'm not giving up on either side.

Before we moved from San Diego to Washington I would visit Declan's grave often. My friend Emma and I would sometimes have lunch with him and we would sit and reminice on all the hilarious grief Declan would give me when I was doing something he didn't like. I'm sad we now live so far away from one another, she was the first person I told about my pregnancy. I ran across the little lane sparating our apartments and banged on her door so hard I probably could have broken it down. When she asked what was wrong I told her I was pregnant and we both preceded to scream and hug and jump on her front porch.

Sadly I've moved and can no longer visit Declan's grave, but I talk to him often and that brings me solace. But I believe that God has a plan and I have made the most wonderful friends since moving here. Some even have a matching pair of the ugly shoes. I have truly been blessed with such a support system.

To all my ladies, I may have only known some of you a few months, but I love you all. Thank you for being my friends.

Little Saints

My background is kind of simple. I have a wonderful family, I married my high school sweet heart, I have 2 kitties that I cherish and spoil, and I have one wonderful angel.
The first part of my blog is called little saints because that is the nickname that I have for my son. My beautiful boy that gave me 9 months of pure bliss. His name was Declan, it means "full of goodness", and he was born sleeping October 20, 2009 at 37 weeks gestation, he was 7 lbs 10.2 oz and 21 inches long. It took four months to get the results of his autopsy, he was somehow stressed out causing him to aspirate muconium and stop breathing. I was never stressed, the only thing we have to go on are theories about a bumpy freeway that caused a prolonged tightening of my uterus three days prior to his death. Saturday, October 17th my husband and I were driving to my parents' house for my nephew's 3rd birthday party. The freeway offramp had horrible potholes that were unavoidable and very pronounced in my husbands lowered sports car causing me to tighten up, it lasted about 2 minutes. My stomach tightened but when I got to my parents house I sat down, drank water, ate, and relaxed. Declan was moving like normal within a few minutes, I thought nothing of it afterwards.
October 18: I distinctly remember eating breakfast at IHOP, I had strawberry waffles with a glass of OJ, I watched as my belly moved and enjoyed knowing my baby was wiggling.
October 19: Due to traffic I missed my early morning apt and had to reschedule for the afternoon. I will forever wonder if those few hours would have saved my little boy. I ended up having to pick my husband up from work early and as we went through the drive-thru of In-N-Out I felt a few contractions that I hadn't felt before. They didn't hurt but they were uncomfortable. Even though I tried getting my husband to go to the check up with me, he refused, he didn't see the point he'll be more involved when the baby comes.
I remember sitting in the front office waiting for my NP to call me back. I remember her saying I can't find the heartbeat maybe he flipped. I remember thinking "I hope you didn't flip little boy I really want to push you out." I remember my NP bringing in the ultra-sound machine and saying she didn't know how to use it so she was getting the Doctor. I remember the doctor taking over and hitting some buttons, not saying a word. I remember her saying "There's the chest cavity, but I see no activity" I remember her saying "Honey I'm so sorry" I remember screaming "No" so loud, but I wasn't able to hear it, I remember the nurse and doctor both wrapping their arms around me as I screamed even more. I remember them doing everything they could to contact someone. I remember rubbing my belly and saying "move baby, move for mommy, please move" I remember feeling the start of my contractions in my belly. I remember having to tell my friend to get my husband because his phone and car were in the shop. I remember having to tell my husband over the phone that our son was gone and I was going to the hospital. I remember talking to my family, my sister, my mom, my dad. I remember following my friend to the hospital. I remember the nurse hugging me and telling me she was sorry for my loss, and I almost yelled at her "Can we please verify before you say that please" I remember the look on my husband's face when they did verify our son was gone. I remember them asking me if I had felt him move today, and from that day fourth it was the only thing I cannot remember.

That night was a horrible night, my husband took my phone and told everyone as I was being prepped for induction to help my already progressing labor go faster. My husband and father started fighting because dad wanted to come down and see me, but my husband didn't want them to come yet. I was stuck in the middle already having to choose sides. I chose my own, I wasn't ready for visitors, give me space give me time. They came anyway, but not before my husband barred them from the hospital further infurriating my father.

My labor went by rather quickly, the nurses and other staff were awesome with my care. They made sure my husband was fed and that we both were comfortable. I remember everytime I cried my husband would come hold my hand and he never left my side.

October 20: I'm not sure what time I felt the urge to push but it didn't feel like I pushed for very long. My husband didn't want to see so I allowed him to leave the room as I held our baby. Declan was perfect. I remember saying "Oh my goodness he's so heavy" and the nurse stood by my side and admired him with me. I touched every finger, every toe, I smelled him, kissed him, and cuddled him. Then I had to do the hardest thing of all and give him to the nurse. I said I need my husband and handed her my precious boy. My husband came back in and we just held each other and talked about stupid stuff. I remember saying "I feel like a half deflated balloon" my husband responded "We'll get you filled back up again soon"

I was released from the hospital the next day and I remember that I wanted to get all the details of Declan's funeral set in stone. I finally called my family and let them know I was ready for visitors. Dad didn't want to come, he was too hurt. For my husband this was the last straw, they aren't allowed to come down here. It's been a huge battle ever since. To whom do I stay loyal? My family or my husband.

Thursday October 29 we buried our son next to a few other babies. It was a wonderful ceremony that my parents didn't attend, but neither did his and we weren't having issues with them. When we got home it was the first and last time I remember seeing my husband cry about wanting Declan back.

Since then life has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs.