Thursday, July 7, 2011

Little Saints

My background is kind of simple. I have a wonderful family, I married my high school sweet heart, I have 2 kitties that I cherish and spoil, and I have one wonderful angel.
The first part of my blog is called little saints because that is the nickname that I have for my son. My beautiful boy that gave me 9 months of pure bliss. His name was Declan, it means "full of goodness", and he was born sleeping October 20, 2009 at 37 weeks gestation, he was 7 lbs 10.2 oz and 21 inches long. It took four months to get the results of his autopsy, he was somehow stressed out causing him to aspirate muconium and stop breathing. I was never stressed, the only thing we have to go on are theories about a bumpy freeway that caused a prolonged tightening of my uterus three days prior to his death. Saturday, October 17th my husband and I were driving to my parents' house for my nephew's 3rd birthday party. The freeway offramp had horrible potholes that were unavoidable and very pronounced in my husbands lowered sports car causing me to tighten up, it lasted about 2 minutes. My stomach tightened but when I got to my parents house I sat down, drank water, ate, and relaxed. Declan was moving like normal within a few minutes, I thought nothing of it afterwards.
October 18: I distinctly remember eating breakfast at IHOP, I had strawberry waffles with a glass of OJ, I watched as my belly moved and enjoyed knowing my baby was wiggling.
October 19: Due to traffic I missed my early morning apt and had to reschedule for the afternoon. I will forever wonder if those few hours would have saved my little boy. I ended up having to pick my husband up from work early and as we went through the drive-thru of In-N-Out I felt a few contractions that I hadn't felt before. They didn't hurt but they were uncomfortable. Even though I tried getting my husband to go to the check up with me, he refused, he didn't see the point he'll be more involved when the baby comes.
I remember sitting in the front office waiting for my NP to call me back. I remember her saying I can't find the heartbeat maybe he flipped. I remember thinking "I hope you didn't flip little boy I really want to push you out." I remember my NP bringing in the ultra-sound machine and saying she didn't know how to use it so she was getting the Doctor. I remember the doctor taking over and hitting some buttons, not saying a word. I remember her saying "There's the chest cavity, but I see no activity" I remember her saying "Honey I'm so sorry" I remember screaming "No" so loud, but I wasn't able to hear it, I remember the nurse and doctor both wrapping their arms around me as I screamed even more. I remember them doing everything they could to contact someone. I remember rubbing my belly and saying "move baby, move for mommy, please move" I remember feeling the start of my contractions in my belly. I remember having to tell my friend to get my husband because his phone and car were in the shop. I remember having to tell my husband over the phone that our son was gone and I was going to the hospital. I remember talking to my family, my sister, my mom, my dad. I remember following my friend to the hospital. I remember the nurse hugging me and telling me she was sorry for my loss, and I almost yelled at her "Can we please verify before you say that please" I remember the look on my husband's face when they did verify our son was gone. I remember them asking me if I had felt him move today, and from that day fourth it was the only thing I cannot remember.

That night was a horrible night, my husband took my phone and told everyone as I was being prepped for induction to help my already progressing labor go faster. My husband and father started fighting because dad wanted to come down and see me, but my husband didn't want them to come yet. I was stuck in the middle already having to choose sides. I chose my own, I wasn't ready for visitors, give me space give me time. They came anyway, but not before my husband barred them from the hospital further infurriating my father.

My labor went by rather quickly, the nurses and other staff were awesome with my care. They made sure my husband was fed and that we both were comfortable. I remember everytime I cried my husband would come hold my hand and he never left my side.

October 20: I'm not sure what time I felt the urge to push but it didn't feel like I pushed for very long. My husband didn't want to see so I allowed him to leave the room as I held our baby. Declan was perfect. I remember saying "Oh my goodness he's so heavy" and the nurse stood by my side and admired him with me. I touched every finger, every toe, I smelled him, kissed him, and cuddled him. Then I had to do the hardest thing of all and give him to the nurse. I said I need my husband and handed her my precious boy. My husband came back in and we just held each other and talked about stupid stuff. I remember saying "I feel like a half deflated balloon" my husband responded "We'll get you filled back up again soon"

I was released from the hospital the next day and I remember that I wanted to get all the details of Declan's funeral set in stone. I finally called my family and let them know I was ready for visitors. Dad didn't want to come, he was too hurt. For my husband this was the last straw, they aren't allowed to come down here. It's been a huge battle ever since. To whom do I stay loyal? My family or my husband.

Thursday October 29 we buried our son next to a few other babies. It was a wonderful ceremony that my parents didn't attend, but neither did his and we weren't having issues with them. When we got home it was the first and last time I remember seeing my husband cry about wanting Declan back.

Since then life has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs.


  1. So sorry for your loss. I read your story on BabyCenter before, but it makes me cry every time. How awful to have family drama play into it, but everyone is grieving and everyone deals with loss in their own way. I hope you have support around you now. *hugs*