Wednesday, August 26, 2015

My nightmare

Depression is a nightmare. It's like a mold that you can't get rid of and keeps growing back even though you've tried basically everything except for burning the house down. It's some how able to get into every crack and grow, breeding doubt and negativity like a wildfire. If you think depression only effects the person who owns the diagnosis you're wrong, depression attacks everyone remotely close to the afflicted. Depression might not be contagious, but it touches everyone. It's the reason why my life is the way that it is right now.

I live with depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I have nightmares, panic attacks for no reason, and I have days where I can't get out of bed to do anything more than go to the bathroom. Lately I haven't really even wanted to eat. I don't even get hungry. I just want to sit in bed and mess around with my Facebook games or chat with my friends on Babycenter. Somedays I don't even want to chat with my BBC friends.

I was medicated for a while and things were better, I made sure that I was on a high enough dose for it to work, but not so high that I was a happy zombie. I found a medication that worked and the only reason I got off of it was because my Dr didn't like the idea of me being on it if I got pregnant. With everything going on lately and how I've been feeling I started doing some digging and found out that it's actually the safest med to be on while pregnant. I could've stayed on my meds. Maybe then I wouldn't be the mess that I am today, but you know hind sight is 20/20.

I'm really hoping that the VA lets me stay on the medication that I was on before and doesn't try to change anything. I just want to go with what I know works, something that made me feel so much better before. Because without the meds the only thing that keeps the monsters at bay is Josh. He's like a flashlight for my head. He silences my demons. Let's me know I'm being silly when I start to freak out. He's so supportive and patient with me, I'm not sure what I ever did to deserve him. We video chatted two days ago, texted last night, and for the first time since this whole mess started I got a nightmare free sleep. It was a nice reprieve from the dark dreams. Dreams of loss and being left in the dark empty room where I feel ominous eyes watching me and waiting. If I'm lucky when I wake the feeling goes away, but most days I'm not lucky.

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