Saturday, October 10, 2015

Happy for you, sad for me

So I've been thinking of how to get this out, it's been said by many other people before me, but I'm not sure that my friends and family really see that it applies to me. My life feels like it's been thrown into a blender and I'm trying to put all the pieces back together. It's working slowly, but it's working. But I need everyone to be patient with me, especially when you share happy news.

I need you to know that when I say that I am happy for you, I truly am happy for you, but at the same time whatever happy news you may have (wedding, engagement, buying a house, getting pregnant, having a baby) breaks my heart just a little bit. Seeing happy updates on house hunting, birth announcements, belly pics, pregnancy announcements, they all simultaneously make me super happy and incredibly sad. 

But I'm not sad because I'm jealous, I'm not sad because I'm unsupportive, I'm sad because my dreams haven't come true yet and all I've ever known is loss. 

  • You post your engagement or marriage. I recently ended my engagement to Mr. Right after only 3 weeks. I had my dress, date, venue all picked out, but then it was over and now I'm left trying to stitch our relationship back together. I'm left waiting and wondering if we'll get there again.
  • You post your purchase of a house. Mine fell through twice and I'm no where near trying again.
  • You post your birth announcement, belly shots, pregnancy announcement. I've lost every pregnancy I had, I fought my Dr and my body for 16 months only to have to go back on birth control with no idea when I'll ever be able to try again. And if I'm able to try again I'm not sure that I'll ever be pregnant again, I'd give anything for those symptoms you complain about if it meant I'd get to have a living child.  
  • You post your first day of school photos. I'm left wondering what my son would've done on his first day of school. Instead I had to say hello and goodbye in the same breath. I'm left wondering what Declan and Alainn would've done at school, what silly things would they say, would they like school or would they cry to be away from mommy?

So please don't take my silence or failure to like your status update as my not being supportive of your happy news. I am truly and genuinely happy for you that your dreams are coming true and I'll be there for you all no matter what, I always have been and I always will be. But I'm sad that all the dreams that I have, are still just dreams. They're still just something I wonder if I'll ever have and that breaks me into so many tiny pieces that I'm not sure I'll ever be whole again. 

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