Friday, November 27, 2015

Letting go

The more and more I think about this, the more depressed I become. How do you just walk away from something when it's all you've ever wanted?

I'm sitting here trying to learn how to let go of wanting to try for a baby, of wanting to plan a wedding, of pretty much everything that I've ever wanted out of life. I'm doing all of this while also trying to figure out why my life took such a drastic turn and how I let my happiness become contingent upon things that I had previously convinced myself would never happen.

When Bryan left I was certain that I would never find love again, that I would never get married and have the babies that I longed to hold. Josh came and changed all that, I found myself in love and believing in forever. Then everything came to a screeching halt and here I am trying to figure out how to get things going again. But I can't because the things I want have to be the things that he wants, and he's not sure what he wants right now. The only thing he's really sure of is that he loves me and wants to be with me, but he's no longer sure when he wants kids or to get married.

It's frustrating. I got to call him my fiancé for all of 3 weeks then nothing. Then back to the beginning we go and I'm once again wondering if forever is real, if I'll ever hold a child of my own in my arms, if I'll ever get to walk down the aisle with my dad to the man of my dreams.

How do I let go of my dreams when they're all I've ever wanted?

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