Our 2 year Anniversary

It's been two years since I started to TTC with Josh. Two unsuccessful years at trying to grow our family. Two heartbreaking, emotional, devastating years chasing my rainbow. So much has happened in these two years, we got engaged, broke up, got back together, got engaged again, started therapy together and apart, got better jobs, tried to buy a house, moved a few times, started working on us, took a short break from TTC, and then started again. It's been a wild ride, but we're still on this roller coaster of trying to have a baby. Josh will be the first one to tell you that it's a little harder on me than it is on him, but I can tell you it's just as hard on him. True he's not as hurt as I am when that bitch AF comes on time, or late, but he's still hurt. What hurts him is that I'm sad when we fail month after month. It takes a toll on him to see me break a little bit every time the realization hits that we're not going to be making that happy announcement this month. But we keep going, we keep trying, we say fuck you mother nature we're not giving up, we're going to grow this family and that is what makes us a great couple I think.

Infertility was never something that I thought I would struggle with. It only took 6 months to get pregnant with Declan and we weren't even trying to get pregnant with Alainn, she just kind of happened. So when Josh and I started this journey it never even occurred to me that I wouldn't get pregnant right away. I was so focused on being afraid of what might happen while pregnant that I didn't think of being afraid that I wouldn't be able to conceive on my own. Although for the first time in 2 years I'm ovulating on my own, it's still something we're struggling with. The past 3 months I've ovulated without medication and yet we're still not getting pregnant. But I've been keeping to the shadows about our journey. I used to be so vocal, but honestly I got so tired of hearing all the BS about how I needed to relax, I should lose weight, eat better, maybe I should adopt. That I stopped talking about how heartbroken I was that my hope was fading.

I know I shouldn't be silent about what I've been going through, I know I should tell the grief bullies and nay sayers, the unhelpful advice givers to just shut the front door, but honestly I've grown tired of being the one that says enough. I've gotten tired of having to explain that relaxing isn't going to help my body work, that adopting isn't financially feasible, that even fostering isn't something that I'm 100% certain I can emotionally handle. I'm not sure I can give back a child to parents that hurt them or abandoned them, I'm not sure I can give a child to a family because I can't afford to adopt. I can't afford to pay the medical bills of the wonderful friends that said they'd surrogate for me. I can't afford the IVF procedure for myself let alone someone else. The VA doesn't cover IVF, they barely cover IUI.

Although I've finally gotten a Dr willing to do what I ask, I'm still not sure that I'll ever have the happy ending that I'm longing for. I've gotten authorization to go to Seattle Reproductive Medicine. I've gotten authorization for several tests and 3 IUIs. Although there is renewed hope in this new course of action I'm still wary of really getting my hopes up that those 2 pink lines will ever equal sleepless nights and happy healthy babies. It's a painful realization that I'm not sure how to 100% get behind. I'm not sure I'll ever fully believe that I'll be anything more than an angel mom, but I'm also not 100% willing to give up hope either.

That's the give and take of infertility. Wanting to give up, but allowing hope to keep you going.