It's always maybe

I don't even know where to begin with this. I got myself so excited and happy, but then something clicked a few days ago that this will not be the cycle I'll see those two lovely lines. This won't be the cycle that gets me my ever sought after take home rainbow. I wasn't sure if it was just a defense mechinism that my brain decided to deploy because I was so close to the end of my arduous two week wait. My fears of a true BFN have almost certinly been confirmed, I started spotting a little yesterday, a little more this morning, a temp dive, and pretty much continuous cramping today. I've given up hope for this cycle even though AF is still a few days away. Something in me just knows.

In the past few days there have been at least 4 BFPs in four of the five groups that I'm very active in, though I'm extremely happy for these ladies, it makes me incredibly sad for me. I've been trying so hard for so long and to see others get what I've longed for and was so close to getting almost 6 years ago just breaks me on the inside. Jealousy is ugly I know, but it's not quite jealousy. It's more of me just wondering when I'll get to stop trying? When will I get to have what I've longed for my entire life? Last night I posted my genuine congrats to a fellow angel mommy who posted her BFP and then collapsed into Josh's lap and sobbed. I feel broken, I feel like a failure. This is my one job as a woman, to carry a child, to create life, give my boyfriend a son to carry on his last name, and I can't seem to be able to do it!

All of this, all of it should be made easier by my Dr, but nope. You would think my Dr would see my back to back anovulatory cycles and take immediate action, nope she made me wait. Then once she finally takes action you would think maybe then she'd do everything in her power to get me pregnant, nope again. I've got to wait longer each time even though there are effective and proven ways to make this happen. I have to go through so much and have to fight my Dr so hard just to get pregnant. I am so very very grateful that I'm a veteran and that I don't have to deal with this woman once I finally get pregnant. When I finally get pregnant I'll then be allowed to choose where I want to go for treatment. I've almost 100% chosen Swedish because of it's proximity to Josh's work, but Tacoma General would be much closer to where we're going to be living. Guess I have time to figure that out now.

So now I'm just waiting for AF to show her ugly face, I guess I still have a few days to hope she doesn't show up. Maybe the spotting was implantation and I'll see a BFP in a day or two. Maybe. It's always maybe. Someone needs to invent a device that lets you know right away if you're pregnant or not a few days after you ovulate, that would be so much easier than 2 weeks of wondering if you can safely have that beer or nah I've got a bun in the oven beer wouldn't mix well with the recipe.