Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Bunny in my chart and "Internet" friends

For anyone who is actively TTC then you know what charting means. For those that don't know then I'll explain. Basically it means that I'm tracking certain data daily. I take my basal body temperature every morning, I check my cervical mucus (yup gross) throughout the day, and I track my OPK results, my pregnancy test results, and yes even when I do the baby dance. All the information gets logged daily on my Ovia app and my Fertility Friend chart. All this information helps me figure out if my body is doing what it's supposed to. Of course I've come to learn that it is not.

Recently I made a change from temping orally to temping vaginally (yup gross again) in hopes that I'd end up with a more stable temps. However it seems that this is not going to be the case for me.

Apparently the easter bunny has decided to visit my chart because this isn't supposed to happen. Typically a temp will dip the day of ovulation and will stay up for 3 solid days. The 3 day rise is key for confirming ovulation. I've never gotten the 3 day rise. I started solidly tracking my BBT last month. But I've been tracking my OPKs since October and those haven't ever given me a positive either. Little miss bitch aunt flow decided to come a whole week early and even left a day earlier than usual, which confuses my cycle trackers because it's literally a guess as to when she's going to be making her monthly visit. It freaking sucks. 

My Dr refuses to listen to me, refuses to believe that I'm now part of the infertile club. Stupid Dr. Do Nothing wants me to just keep using my OPKs and see what happens. I'll tell you what's going to happen. I'm going to keep getting Big Fat Negatives every month. I'm not going to magically get pregnant. If sex was enough I promise I would be pregnant so many times, but it's not and I don't know how to get her to listen to me. I don't know how to deal with the fact that my body doesn't do what it's supposed to and I don't know how to deal with people that keep getting pregnant without trying and then giving me advice (FYI if you're only having sex to get pregnant and you're not doing anything that I'm doing in order to get pregnant then you aren't actually trying). I just don't know how to deal with any of this really. 

Add to all this the fact that I'm trying to buy a house and graduate from school and you find me being unable to get out of bed and unable to really really smile. 

I'm trying to keep my hopes up. I'm trying to keep from going insane. But I feel alone. I feel broken.

Honestly the only thing that is keeping me sane is that I finally have somewhere to turn. I finally found people to talk to that know what I'm going through, that know how this hopelessness feels, they know how it feels to lose as I have lost, they know how scary it is to keep trying again and again, month after month, BFN after BFN. I've been a member of a few support groups on Baby Center, but none have made me feel home like the monthly TTC thread on the Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Support group. These ladies are my saving grace. Don't get me wrong, I have a loving supportive boyfriend and family, but they don't understand the struggle like these ladies do. These ladies are the ones that keep me trying, keep me from giving up. I can say anything to them, talk about Declan and my angel Àlainn (who used to be nameless but thanks to Maggie ;) has a name. It means lovely in Gaelic). They inspire me and help me keep hope alive. They offer "hugs" and support whenever I need it and I always feel welcome. They never judge my POAS addiction (because we're all POASaholics) I've never in my life had such a support system and I am so very thankful to have "met" each and everyone of these wonderful, beautiful, amazing, lovely, women. 

I love you all ladies and I can't wait until we're all sporting big pregnant bellies and have houses full of rainbows. 

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