Saturday, April 11, 2015


First let me start off with explaining what a trigger is. It's something that I've read, seen, or heard that sets me off and either makes me angry, afraid, or sad. It could be a song, something someone said, something I saw on Facebook, or just something that I've randomly thought about.

I've been diagnosed with PTSD since the divorce so I'm easily triggered. I go into the defensive on small things, I can't wrestle with Josh because (as we've found out from experience) it throws me into intense flashbacks and suddenly I'm not play wrestling with my very loving boyfriend if you get what I'm saying....

Anyway, with that being said, I'm triggered today. I heard a song that makes me think of my lost babies. It's a really good song and I still like listening to it, but it makes me cry.

Yesterday's procedure really got to me and then thinking of all the things that make me angry just well made me angry. Here are a list of things that make me angry lately:

- Big Fat Negative pregnancy tests. They make me super sad because it means that I don't have my rainbow baby yet.

- BFN Ovulation tests, temperatures that indicate I'm not ovulating, and irregular periods. Because it means that my body isn't doing what it's supposed to do in order for me to get pregnant.

 - Teens that still live with their parents and are announcing they're pregnant with yet another baby after just having had one, they weren't even trying to prevent, and gasp can't believe they're pregnant again. Congrats on now being hidden from my news feed on FB.

 - Knowing that the same teens are going to be asking me to do their maternity and newborn photos for them and feeling like I have to because well they're family.

- Getting told by family members and friends that I just need to relax and stop thinking about getting pregnant like that will magically make my ovaries work. I'll show you how relaxed I get when I punch you in the throat.

- Hearing about the unexpected BFPs from other friends. I'm happy for you I really am, but it makes me sad that I've been trying so hard to have my first child and you have one night of unprotected sex and are now pregnant.

- Hearing "I know how you feel I couldn't get pregnant for 3 months." Yep cause the pain you feel is the same as my having been trying for damn near a year, not having any positive signs of ovulation, and knowing there's a possibility I'll never get a chance to take home a healthy baby. But yeah you get it because you've been "trying" for 3 months. You can't call it trying unless you're, temping, tracking ovulation, and tracking your cycles. Just having sex every month doesn't actually qualify as trying. I say this because yes, for the first 5 months we weren't actually trying, we were just having sex at the right time every month. Then my super long cycle happened, I started tracking more than just my period and started trying to find other signs my body was doing what it's supposed to, now I know that it's not and I'm trying to find out why. I'm trying very very hard to get pregnant, I just can't.

- Getting told that the reason I'm not getting pregnant is because I'm overweight. I've been overweight for a while and I didn't start having issues with my period until I decided that I wanted go on birth control. I used to be scary regular even when I was overweight. So don't blame my weight.

- Getting told that I've gotten pregnant before so obviously there's nothing wrong with me. Um well yeah look at how both of those pregnancies ended up AND I haven't been pregnant in over 3 years oh AND it's called secondary infertility.

- Getting told that I'm young and I have plenty of time. Well doesn't feel like it. It feels like I'm being laughed at by fate because why else would it be so difficult to get something that I've always wanted?

- God has a plan for you. Well gee thanks for letting me know that I'm having to survive yet another thing in my life and that pain, anguish, loss, and insanity are all part of God's plan for me.

- Maybe it's a sign you two just aren't ready for kids...... oh so now you know my life and can decide when my boyfriend and I are ready for kids? You think you're making me feel better by saying that? No, I've been ready for this my whole fucking life and I've had it stolen from me when I was at the finish line. My boyfriend and I would not have made the decision to try if we weren't absolutely sure we were ready for the responsibility. He wouldn't have said yes to enduring the fucking crazy bitch I have turned into during this long and arduous process if he wasn't ready. He wouldn't have agreed to enduring the even crazier and bitchier person that I WILL turn into when and IF we ever do get pregnant if he wasn't ready. So go fuck yourself with the maybe you're just not ready talk because you don't know me, you're not my BF, and you can go suck on a bag of dicks.

I'm sorry, I'm not sorry for the cursing, I'm a Marine and I'm a bitter bitter woman right now. I've endured the loss of 2 very very wanted pregnancies and now I'm enduring the loss of my fertility. I have every right to be angry at the very very rude and unhelpful comments of people who have no idea what I'm going through.

If you think you have to say something to me here are things that I actually love hearing:

- Tell me I'll be a great mom someday.

- Tell me that I'm already a great mom because I'm an angel mommy and those are the best kind.

- Tell me not give up. Tell me my next test will be a BFP, weather it be a pregnancy test or OPK. Keep me hopeful because I lose hope A LOT.

- Tell me you're here for me and then, gasp, ACTUALLY be there for me.

- Don't judge my addiction to peeing on sticks, I'm a POASaholic and yes I know BFNs make me sad, but I can't stop because I and way too hopeful of a person to stop.

- Silence, just sit there, give me a hug, a glass of wine and some chocolate, and listen to me rant or hold me as I cry. This is painful for me to go through and I need a support system that stays supportive.

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