Finally something!

Finally Dr Do Nothing has agreed to do SOMETHING!!

I tried to call her with Josh's test results yesterday, but she was out of the office. I tried again this morning and had to leave another message with the nurse. She finally called me back this afternoon. 

She told me how the HSG results were normal and I told her that Josh's SA came back normal and that I'm still getting negative OPKs. She then said, "With the normal test results from your boyfriend and HSG combined with your lack of positive OPK I do believe you're not ovulating and feel comfortable moving forward with clomid." 

I kind of wanted to be snarky and say, "Well No Shit, I've been using these damn OPKs for 6 months now and haven't seen a single one of them turn positive" but I decided to be nice since she's finally doing something helpful. She told me that in order to get the actual prescription that I need to have a pelvic exam done so I made an appointment for Tuesday at 3 PM.

I'm so excited for this appointment. My wonderful friend Maggie thinks I'm already pregnant though so we'll see if I even need the clomid now, but I'll at least have it for when AF decides to show up. 

Oh I think I should tell you why lovely Maggie thinks I am prego already. My temp has actually done something, I might be having O or implantation spotting, and my OPKs are still negative, but have lines on them. So I'm either pregnant right now or having a really late ovulation or AF is teasing me. Either way unless she shows up test day is May 1st. 

In other news I finally got a 100% answer on the house for the lender. It's a no because they don't like that my job is part time, even though I've got more than enough income to pay the bills. However, though I'm upset I can't move in next week, I have found backup lending and will be moving forward with another company altogether. They've pretty much promised a yes as long as my credit score jumps 13 points. I wish they could just use the highest score available instead of the middle score, my life would be so much easier. ugh. So the upside is that I might still be able to get my house, but the downside is it might take another month, so we're all stuck in this crappy apartment with shitty neighbors for at least 30 more days. I really need this house to go through. 

I will die of happiness overload if I end up getting a rainbow BFP and the house I want in the same month though. It'll be the best thing to happen to me in years!!

I guess we'll see what happens though. Until then, I just got more OPKs and I gotta tinkle ;-) 

Just relax it'll happen

Infertility is a disease. It's not something that can just get better when you relax. Something that gets better when you relax is a bowel movement or a headache NOT infertility. My ovaries will not suddenly say "oh this bitch finally relaxed let's start doing our job." That's not how this works, it's not how any of this works, and although the person who says "just relax" may be trying to help, it's actually really insulting. I tried relaxing, for the first 6 months I was actually pretty relaxed. I tried not to freak out that my periods were a little wonky or that I would randomly bleed in the middle of my cycle. My Dr said it was normal so I didn't freak out. I did however start to freak out when I randomly out of no where have a 44 day cycle. I think I spent over $100 on pregnancy tests, because why else would my period be THAT late. Since then it's been anyone's guess as to when AF will show up.

If stress was the cause of my irregular periods then why did it just start messing with my life now? Why didn't I have irregular periods when my ex was mentally and physically abusing me for 8.5 years? Why did my period shoot right back to where it was after each loss or when I moved or when my ex finally left or when I was so broke that I couldn't afford to eat and lost 30 pounds in 3 months?

I honestly and whole hearted believe that my problems are caused by the birth control that I was on. My body has never responded very well to birth control. I gained weight on Mirena, I was on it for a little under a year until Josh and I started talking kids so I switched to Paraguard so that I can start tracking my periods. Well my period was so intense and heavy that I had to stop after 5 months. Since then my period hasn't been the same. No matter how much I "relax"

I have been through more stress in my life than what I'm going through now. The crap that I've been through lately pales in comparison to the stress that I've been through in my life, so telling me to relax won't help because it's not the root cause of my issues.

Declan Bear

I recently discovered a place that makes custom teddy bears that are the same weight of your baby. They're made for those who have experienced loss. So that we finally have something to hold onto. I ordered mine last week and my Declan bear got here yesterday. I was so excited when the box arrived. I opened the box with the same anticipation as a kid on Christmas and as soon as I got him in my arms I burst into tears. I immediately was thrown back into that hospital room holding my handsome boy. 7 pounds 10.2 ounces. I missed holding him so much. I forgot what it felt like and now I have something to snuggle whenever I want.

Although my bear will never replace what I lost, but just having him has been so very helpful. I just can't put him down. I held him all day while I watched tv and yes I even slept with him. It's the best I've slept in a really long time.

I'm so very glad that I got my Declan Bear and I am sad that the creator of Alexa Bears has suffered the same fate that I had with my little boy, but I am so very thankful for her willingness to make these bears. Without her I wouldn't have been able to hold my darling boy in my arms one more time. Without her I would only be able to hold him in my memory. I have always felt so guilty for not holding Declan longer than I did and now I can feel like I am holding him again. <3

Bunny in my chart and "Internet" friends

For anyone who is actively TTC then you know what charting means. For those that don't know then I'll explain. Basically it means that I'm tracking certain data daily. I take my basal body temperature every morning, I check my cervical mucus (yup gross) throughout the day, and I track my OPK results, my pregnancy test results, and yes even when I do the baby dance. All the information gets logged daily on my Ovia app and my Fertility Friend chart. All this information helps me figure out if my body is doing what it's supposed to. Of course I've come to learn that it is not.

Recently I made a change from temping orally to temping vaginally (yup gross again) in hopes that I'd end up with a more stable temps. However it seems that this is not going to be the case for me.

Apparently the easter bunny has decided to visit my chart because this isn't supposed to happen. Typically a temp will dip the day of ovulation and will stay up for 3 solid days. The 3 day rise is key for confirming ovulation. I've never gotten the 3 day rise. I started solidly tracking my BBT last month. But I've been tracking my OPKs since October and those haven't ever given me a positive either. Little miss bitch aunt flow decided to come a whole week early and even left a day earlier than usual, which confuses my cycle trackers because it's literally a guess as to when she's going to be making her monthly visit. It freaking sucks. 

My Dr refuses to listen to me, refuses to believe that I'm now part of the infertile club. Stupid Dr. Do Nothing wants me to just keep using my OPKs and see what happens. I'll tell you what's going to happen. I'm going to keep getting Big Fat Negatives every month. I'm not going to magically get pregnant. If sex was enough I promise I would be pregnant so many times, but it's not and I don't know how to get her to listen to me. I don't know how to deal with the fact that my body doesn't do what it's supposed to and I don't know how to deal with people that keep getting pregnant without trying and then giving me advice (FYI if you're only having sex to get pregnant and you're not doing anything that I'm doing in order to get pregnant then you aren't actually trying). I just don't know how to deal with any of this really. 

Add to all this the fact that I'm trying to buy a house and graduate from school and you find me being unable to get out of bed and unable to really really smile. 

I'm trying to keep my hopes up. I'm trying to keep from going insane. But I feel alone. I feel broken.

Honestly the only thing that is keeping me sane is that I finally have somewhere to turn. I finally found people to talk to that know what I'm going through, that know how this hopelessness feels, they know how it feels to lose as I have lost, they know how scary it is to keep trying again and again, month after month, BFN after BFN. I've been a member of a few support groups on Baby Center, but none have made me feel home like the monthly TTC thread on the Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Support group. These ladies are my saving grace. Don't get me wrong, I have a loving supportive boyfriend and family, but they don't understand the struggle like these ladies do. These ladies are the ones that keep me trying, keep me from giving up. I can say anything to them, talk about Declan and my angel Àlainn (who used to be nameless but thanks to Maggie ;) has a name. It means lovely in Gaelic). They inspire me and help me keep hope alive. They offer "hugs" and support whenever I need it and I always feel welcome. They never judge my POAS addiction (because we're all POASaholics) I've never in my life had such a support system and I am so very thankful to have "met" each and everyone of these wonderful, beautiful, amazing, lovely, women. 

I love you all ladies and I can't wait until we're all sporting big pregnant bellies and have houses full of rainbows. 

I kind of hate today now

So I was having a pretty amazing very lazy day with Josh. We stayed in bed all day binge watching The Big Bang Theory and I was a pretty happy girl all day. Then my mom called. My grandfather who lives a little over an hour away is in the hospital. They're keeping him sedated while they monitor him and I'm very very upset at the fact he's in the hospital, but I'm equally upset that NONE of my family here felt it necessary to call me and tell me to get the fk out of bed and head up there! Seriously family?! What the fuck.

Then on top of that there have been many posts on my Baby Center support groups of people posting inappropriate things in the wrong place. Like seriously!!! I am not a Dr or a pregnancy test how the hell am I supposed to know if you're pregnant??!!!!

Then to top things off I just read a thing on FB where a freaking 65 year old mother of 13, through the help of IVF, is now pregnant with quadruplets. What in the actual fuck!! What fucking Dr would do that and why the hell does God allow this?!

I would like to eventually have 4 kids, but in reality I really just want one ok? Seriously I really only want one beautiful healthy baby that I can take home. Instead I have to go through losses and infertility and then on top of that I have to hear about teens and old ladies that are old enough to be my grandmother having baby after baby.

The cosmic joke that is my life continues.....

Triggers

First let me start off with explaining what a trigger is. It's something that I've read, seen, or heard that sets me off and either makes me angry, afraid, or sad. It could be a song, something someone said, something I saw on Facebook, or just something that I've randomly thought about.

I've been diagnosed with PTSD since the divorce so I'm easily triggered. I go into the defensive on small things, I can't wrestle with Josh because (as we've found out from experience) it throws me into intense flashbacks and suddenly I'm not play wrestling with my very loving boyfriend if you get what I'm saying....

Anyway, with that being said, I'm triggered today. I heard a song that makes me think of my lost babies. It's a really good song and I still like listening to it, but it makes me cry.

Yesterday's procedure really got to me and then thinking of all the things that make me angry just well made me angry. Here are a list of things that make me angry lately:

- Big Fat Negative pregnancy tests. They make me super sad because it means that I don't have my rainbow baby yet.

- BFN Ovulation tests, temperatures that indicate I'm not ovulating, and irregular periods. Because it means that my body isn't doing what it's supposed to do in order for me to get pregnant.

 - Teens that still live with their parents and are announcing they're pregnant with yet another baby after just having had one, they weren't even trying to prevent, and gasp can't believe they're pregnant again. Congrats on now being hidden from my news feed on FB.

 - Knowing that the same teens are going to be asking me to do their maternity and newborn photos for them and feeling like I have to because well they're family.

- Getting told by family members and friends that I just need to relax and stop thinking about getting pregnant like that will magically make my ovaries work. I'll show you how relaxed I get when I punch you in the throat.

- Hearing about the unexpected BFPs from other friends. I'm happy for you I really am, but it makes me sad that I've been trying so hard to have my first child and you have one night of unprotected sex and are now pregnant.

- Hearing "I know how you feel I couldn't get pregnant for 3 months." Yep cause the pain you feel is the same as my having been trying for damn near a year, not having any positive signs of ovulation, and knowing there's a possibility I'll never get a chance to take home a healthy baby. But yeah you get it because you've been "trying" for 3 months. You can't call it trying unless you're, temping, tracking ovulation, and tracking your cycles. Just having sex every month doesn't actually qualify as trying. I say this because yes, for the first 5 months we weren't actually trying, we were just having sex at the right time every month. Then my super long cycle happened, I started tracking more than just my period and started trying to find other signs my body was doing what it's supposed to, now I know that it's not and I'm trying to find out why. I'm trying very very hard to get pregnant, I just can't.

- Getting told that the reason I'm not getting pregnant is because I'm overweight. I've been overweight for a while and I didn't start having issues with my period until I decided that I wanted go on birth control. I used to be scary regular even when I was overweight. So don't blame my weight.

- Getting told that I've gotten pregnant before so obviously there's nothing wrong with me. Um well yeah look at how both of those pregnancies ended up AND I haven't been pregnant in over 3 years oh AND it's called secondary infertility.

- Getting told that I'm young and I have plenty of time. Well doesn't feel like it. It feels like I'm being laughed at by fate because why else would it be so difficult to get something that I've always wanted?

- God has a plan for you. Well gee thanks for letting me know that I'm having to survive yet another thing in my life and that pain, anguish, loss, and insanity are all part of God's plan for me.

- Maybe it's a sign you two just aren't ready for kids...... oh so now you know my life and can decide when my boyfriend and I are ready for kids? You think you're making me feel better by saying that? No, I've been ready for this my whole fucking life and I've had it stolen from me when I was at the finish line. My boyfriend and I would not have made the decision to try if we weren't absolutely sure we were ready for the responsibility. He wouldn't have said yes to enduring the fucking crazy bitch I have turned into during this long and arduous process if he wasn't ready. He wouldn't have agreed to enduring the even crazier and bitchier person that I WILL turn into when and IF we ever do get pregnant if he wasn't ready. So go fuck yourself with the maybe you're just not ready talk because you don't know me, you're not my BF, and you can go suck on a bag of dicks.

I'm sorry, I'm not sorry for the cursing, I'm a Marine and I'm a bitter bitter woman right now. I've endured the loss of 2 very very wanted pregnancies and now I'm enduring the loss of my fertility. I have every right to be angry at the very very rude and unhelpful comments of people who have no idea what I'm going through.

If you think you have to say something to me here are things that I actually love hearing:

- Tell me I'll be a great mom someday.

- Tell me that I'm already a great mom because I'm an angel mommy and those are the best kind.

- Tell me not give up. Tell me my next test will be a BFP, weather it be a pregnancy test or OPK. Keep me hopeful because I lose hope A LOT.

- Tell me you're here for me and then, gasp, ACTUALLY be there for me.

- Don't judge my addiction to peeing on sticks, I'm a POASaholic and yes I know BFNs make me sad, but I can't stop because I and way too hopeful of a person to stop.

- Silence, just sit there, give me a hug, a glass of wine and some chocolate, and listen to me rant or hold me as I cry. This is painful for me to go through and I need a support system that stays supportive.

HSG

I had my HSG today and it sucked! It only helped in furthering my belief that something is wrong with my uterus. I didn't have it done at my OBs office because the VA is not equipped to do them so I had to go out in town. The guy doing it said he'd never had anyone cry out in pain because of the balloon being inflated. It hurt so bad that he decided to proceed without inflating the balloon. Since I didn't have it done by my Dr I now have to wait for the results. So when my Dr calls I'm going to insist she do an ultrasound looking for fibroids or polyps. 


I'm really very upset that I don't have a more proactive Dr, I'm upset that I don't have a Dr that listens to me, I'm upset that I'm treated like a number instead of being treated as an individual. There is clearly something wrong with me and she is refusing and fighting me at every turn. I really hate that I have to fight this hard for my rainbow baby. It's making me lose hope that I will ever be able to take a baby home. 

A long awaited update

So I've decided to start blogging again. So much has happened since I lasted posted on here that I guess I should just start from there.

2011 - Nothing else of great importance happened. I released balloons for Declan's 2nd birthday and drove home to visit family in Cali for christmas.

2012 - At the beginning of the year I became temporary guardian of my friend's 3 year old. It helped me a great deal, but ended up putting a giant wedge between me and Bryan. In February I finally decided to do something about the physical abuse and called the cops. He went to jail for the night and we separated for about 2 months. Tried to reconcile and moved to Tacoma. I got my own apartment and started going to The Art Institute of Seattle for a degree in photography. Things were strained and we tried, but in August he left me for another woman. I spent the rest of the year being pen pals with a guy that I thought I could have a relationship with. Bryan filed for divorce in October. I had pretty much stopped eating when Bryan left so I ended up losing about 30 pounds.

2013 - 3 days before my 28th birthday, my divorce was finalized. So a friend took me out to celebrate. I'm still talking to my pen pal boyfriend, but he's not a big responder. I meet Cindy and shortly thereafter her super hot son Josh who happens to be about 2 years younger than I am. We start hanging out and one thing leads to another, since I'm not getting what I need emotionally from my pen pal I break things off. I start what I hoped was a purely physical relationship with Josh on his birthday, but he had other plans and I ended up falling head over heals for this guy. We move into a big house with him mom to save money and we start talking about the future a lot more.

2014 - We start really talking about kids and marriage. I decide to change my BC to another type of IUD so that I can start having AF come around for regular visits. The change didn't last long because I was in so much pain every month when the biznatch would come around. We decided to remove the IUD altogether in May and switch to good ole fashioned condoms. Well, since someone doesn't like them, we decided that we would be okay with the consequences and started what's called not trying not preventing. My Dr refers me to a high risk Ob clinic for preconception counseling. My periods are no where close to regular and in October when I see the OB she says she wants me to start seeing a fertility specialist right away. Why should getting pregnant be hard for me when the pregnancy itself is going to take a lot of my mental energy away? I wish the VA had the same views. The OB there refuses to do anything in regard to testing, refuses to blame anything but my weight, and says just do your OPKs and we'll see what happens in 6 months. GAH so I spend the rest of the year peeing on sticks every month hoping that it'll say I'm ovulating. No such luck. Oh and I'm bleeding in between periods now too. Great. My little brother moves up from Cali and starts living with me. My best friend finds out she's pregnant. I'm jealous, but happy for her.  I take Josh with me for Christmas vacation to meet my parents. They love him. My dad is so happy that I'm happy and he constantly reminds me. My mom threatens to kill Josh if he ever hurts me :) I love my family lol Josh gets a new job courtesy of my brother and is able to quit working at my school.

2015 - I turn 30. My period comes on my birthday and sticks around for 3 weeks. You would think that's enough to convince my Dr that something is wrong, but no. She wants 6 more months of OPKs. I haven't gotten a positive OPK since she said I needed to start using them in October! Fk that I go to my Dr for a second opinion only to find out my OB lied in my chart about my irregular periods so I go to my patient advocate. My OB acts surprised that I'm not okay with her course of treatment. She thinks I just want clomid, I mean I do, but there are plenty of other things she can do before getting to that point. I beg, plead, scream, cry and finally she says ok to an HSG. I wait about 2-3 weeks before getting the OK to go to UW, well UW doesn't take outside patients, my OB refuses to transfer my care so I have to look for another clinic. Another 2 weeks go by before I find out I can go to the clinic I choose, call to make an apt and they don't take VA insurance, but I'm offered the ability to pay the $1k for the test out of pocket. Yeah No. So I now have to wait for the VA to send me somewhere. A few more weeks go by, I call the director of the hospital to see about getting my lack of care fixed. I get contacted again by my patient advocate who's upset I'm not pregnant yet and that my OB is a jerk. I now have 7 higher up Dr's monitoring my care. Suddenly I get a call allowing me to make an apt with a clinic in Tacoma that does the HSG. I call and make an apt FINALLY, but I can't have it done until 3-5 days after AF leaves. Oh and No sex started CD 1. Great.

So here we are AF came and left early and my HSG is tomorrow. I'm nervous as hell and I am hoping and praying that this is the thing that fixes my seemingly broken eggs. I need this to work.