Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Internal balance

I saw my shrink yesterday she said that I need to balance myself internally. She thinks that I'm too obsessed with having a baby and believes that said obsession is going to hinder my goal to become a mommy. She says I put on a good show on the out side with my seemingly balanced life and fake smiles, but inside I'm a mess. I confess she's right. I set up my life so that I could give my child the best possible start, so I wouldn't have to choose between new shoes for me or them. I've lost 2 babies and my heart is broken. I honestly don't know what to be if I can't have babies. I need to be a mother. Though there's nothing wrong with my need or my goal, it is not ok for that to be my only focus. So I'm shooting for internal balance.

She also said that even if I don't go back to Cali for Declan's birthday that I should still do something here.

So here's the plan to balance me out:
I have to do more stuff that makes me happy. I am going to dive into my photography and take my dad's advice on making story books. On to of that I'm going to finish my scrap book for Declan and finish school. I actually started class this morning. Getting 15 of the 63 credits I need for my associates in pre-nursing taken care of. By this time next year I'm hoping to be submitting my application to an actual nursing program.

So being balanced internally is the goal. The first steps are being taken and I'm asking God for help.

I do have a request for you though. On top of all this madness in my life I have been tossed another faith testing curve ball. I am requesting your prayers for my Mom, her tumor is back though we don't know if it's cancerous this time. Either way this is the 3rd time it's happened, the first time was in 96 or 97 and then again in 09. We are waiting for test results and praying for clean scans. So please pray for my Mom. Thanks.

Ps
I'm attaching a few photos that I've taken. Enjoy.




Monday, September 19, 2011

Keeping busy

So I've always realized that the more I keep busy the less I tend to dwell on the horrible past. Unfortunately I haven't been keeping busy lately and all I can think about is how I'm going to handle next month. All I can think about is how badly I already want to curl into a ball and do absolutely nothing. I don't know how to deal with another year, another "birthday" another day that holds horrible memories. The month of October will never be the same for me. I will never find happiness on the 18th, 19th, 20th, 21st, or the 29th.

Oct 18th was the last day I remember feeling my son move, Oct 19th was the day I found out that my life would never be the same, it's the day that I found out that I would be delivering a dead baby, Oct 20th my son was born sleeping, he was beautiful and he was big and heavy, he looked like he was sleeping, Oct 21st I was forced to leave the hospital with empty arms, and Oct 29th was the day I was forced to bury my son.

Last year I was able to sit next to his grave, talk to him, and give him a halloween bucket full of white mums, but this year I'm forced to be here in Washington, I can't go visit my son, I can't sit next to his grave and I can't give him a halloween bucket full of mums.

On top of not being able to visit my son's grave, I am also realizing how big and fat my belly should be right now. I should be half way done right now, I should be complaining about the baby that should be using my bladder as a trampoline, of swollen feet, and having to pee every 5 minutes. But I have none of that. Nothing to really keep me distracted from this screaming emptiness in my head. In my heart.

How do you make the screaming emptiness go away?

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Figuring things out

I've been racking my brain trying to figure out what to do with this blog. The original intent was to update my family and friends wishing to know how I was doing with my pregnancy, but as I an no longer pregnant I haven't been able to figure out a good purpose to maintain it any longer. Then I realized that there is something wrong with the way society allows mothers like me to grieve. 
Basically we aren't allowed to. We aren't allowed to grieve openly. Sure people say we can talk to them, but most people when we do try to talk tend to get uncomfortable.
But what makes me mad the most are the things people say to us. So here is a lost of what NOT to say:
And yes I have heard these things.
"well it's a good thing he died cause he might have been retarded"
"don't worry you can have more"
"it wasn't a good time for you now anyway"

there are more that I haven't been told personally but you get the point.

What you should say is:
"I'm sorry for your loss"
"you'll be a great parent someday"
If you mean it say you'll be there to hold my hand while I cry or listen while I talk about how I feel.

So here it is. My blog is dedicated to mothers like me. Mothers who want to gain the strength to tell the world fuck off, I'm going to grieve openly, I'm going to cry because my baby died and I'm going to get angry when I see parents that don't appreciate their children, parents that let their children do unsafe things. Sometimes I'm going to cry when I see a pregnant woman or a newborn baby because I don't have what I should because for some reason God decided he needed my children more than I did.

So don't tell us to "get over it" because you wouldn't say that to someone who lost a parent or a friend or some other person close to them, but for some reason people say that shit to grieving mothers of unborn dead babies.

Maybe this blog will make a difference, maybe it won't, maybe you'll disregard me as a crazy chick that can't let go. But I'm not going to stop. I'm going to let others know how I'm grieving openly and without shame and maybe, just maybe, another mother will be able to do the same.