Our 2 year Anniversary

It's been two years since I started to TTC with Josh. Two unsuccessful years at trying to grow our family. Two heartbreaking, emotional, devastating years chasing my rainbow. So much has happened in these two years, we got engaged, broke up, got back together, got engaged again, started therapy together and apart, got better jobs, tried to buy a house, moved a few times, started working on us, took a short break from TTC, and then started again. It's been a wild ride, but we're still on this roller coaster of trying to have a baby. Josh will be the first one to tell you that it's a little harder on me than it is on him, but I can tell you it's just as hard on him. True he's not as hurt as I am when that bitch AF comes on time, or late, but he's still hurt. What hurts him is that I'm sad when we fail month after month. It takes a toll on him to see me break a little bit every time the realization hits that we're not going to be making that happy announcement this month. But we keep going, we keep trying, we say fuck you mother nature we're not giving up, we're going to grow this family and that is what makes us a great couple I think.

Infertility was never something that I thought I would struggle with. It only took 6 months to get pregnant with Declan and we weren't even trying to get pregnant with Alainn, she just kind of happened. So when Josh and I started this journey it never even occurred to me that I wouldn't get pregnant right away. I was so focused on being afraid of what might happen while pregnant that I didn't think of being afraid that I wouldn't be able to conceive on my own. Although for the first time in 2 years I'm ovulating on my own, it's still something we're struggling with. The past 3 months I've ovulated without medication and yet we're still not getting pregnant. But I've been keeping to the shadows about our journey. I used to be so vocal, but honestly I got so tired of hearing all the BS about how I needed to relax, I should lose weight, eat better, maybe I should adopt. That I stopped talking about how heartbroken I was that my hope was fading.

I know I shouldn't be silent about what I've been going through, I know I should tell the grief bullies and nay sayers, the unhelpful advice givers to just shut the front door, but honestly I've grown tired of being the one that says enough. I've gotten tired of having to explain that relaxing isn't going to help my body work, that adopting isn't financially feasible, that even fostering isn't something that I'm 100% certain I can emotionally handle. I'm not sure I can give back a child to parents that hurt them or abandoned them, I'm not sure I can give a child to a family because I can't afford to adopt. I can't afford to pay the medical bills of the wonderful friends that said they'd surrogate for me. I can't afford the IVF procedure for myself let alone someone else. The VA doesn't cover IVF, they barely cover IUI.

Although I've finally gotten a Dr willing to do what I ask, I'm still not sure that I'll ever have the happy ending that I'm longing for. I've gotten authorization to go to Seattle Reproductive Medicine. I've gotten authorization for several tests and 3 IUIs. Although there is renewed hope in this new course of action I'm still wary of really getting my hopes up that those 2 pink lines will ever equal sleepless nights and happy healthy babies. It's a painful realization that I'm not sure how to 100% get behind. I'm not sure I'll ever fully believe that I'll be anything more than an angel mom, but I'm also not 100% willing to give up hope either.

That's the give and take of infertility. Wanting to give up, but allowing hope to keep you going.

International Bereaved Mother's Day

So yesterday was a special day for Bereaved Mother's, but I bet no one noticed. It's not a trending topic on Facebook, it's not something that Hallmark will make a card for, and it's not something the retail community will make ads about. Bereaved Mother's day marks a bittersweet day for angel mommies everywhere. It's a day that recognizes us as mothers, a day that unites us in our never ending grief, but it's a day I know we'd all rather not be a part of because it means our babies aren't here to celebrate Mother's Day.

We're not going to get the cards, flowers, candy, or clumsy handmade gifts. My son won't be bringing me breakfast in bed and spilling juice everywhere. Mother's Day will likely pass without me being told Happy Mother's Day, because most people do not recognize that I am a mother even though my little Saint isn't here.

It's a painful day for me to get through. I send my love to my moms (cause I've got 3) and usually try to send them cards or big chocolate dipped strawberries (flowers die, strawberries are nom). Don't get my wrong, I LOVE my moms, I love they have a day to relax and be recognized for their hard work, but it's a sucky day for the childless.

Mother's Day is hard for me because I end up thinking about all the things that I could be getting and asking myself what would Declan get me? Would I have a day full of snuggles and movies, would we go to a fancy dinner, or picnic in the park? Would he give me a handmade gift or would he find something special in the student store? It's always a heartbreaking day for me. I will never stop wondering what my life would be like if he were still here.

So to recognize our grief, our loss, and remember us for being mother's International Bereaved Mother's Day has been growing in popularity. Though I feel, not for the right reason. Since 1 in 4 women will join our ranks as the bereaved, our special Mother's Day isn't growing in popularity because someone decided to recognize us, it's because there are many of us that are refusing to remain silent and letting others know it's okay to be proud of your Angel Mommy status. You're still a mommy if your child is in heaven instead of in your arms.

As an angel mommy we'll receive a different kind of gift that doesn't only come to us on Mother's Day. Our angels send us their love as the rain on our cheeks, the breeze through our hair, the sun on our skin, and the little critters that seem to stop and say hello. Declan likes to send me butterflies <3

So to all the bereaved mommies out there I'm here to tell you that your babies are not lost, they are here, always surrounding us in their love.

I wish us all a loving Bereaved Mother's Day and a gentle Happy Mother's Day.