Chasing Rainbows

Honestly I'm not even sure what to say right now. So many things have happened since my last post. The most important thing to happen was that we got to meet a new RE who explained that I've got a diminished ovarian reserve and instead of wasting time on medicated cycles, she wanted to jump right into the 3 IUI cycles that my VA OB had authorized. The day we met with her we did an ultrasound to check if it was still early enough to try right away, but I was too far into my cycle for her to be able to do anything safely. So we were left on our own for one last cycle.

I left the clinic feeling hope that I might finally get my rainbow, but at the same time I was sad that we couldn't jump right in and we are forced to wait another 3 weeks to see if nasty AF would show up. I knew in my heart of hearts that we weren't going to be one of "those couples". The couples that after years and years of trying, finally get to do a big medicated cycle and BAM on their own pregnant. When she said that I had a diminished ovarian reserve I lost hope of ever conceiving on my own again. My heart broke as I realized all of the romance was being taken out of us having a baby. No longer was HE going to be the one getting me pregnant, it was going to be the Dr and a high tech turkey baster.

Now my Dr was able to confirm that although I have a diminished reserve I did have 2 very good looking follicles (one on each ovary) that were getting ready to release on their own. She said that it's not that my eggs aren't healthy I just don't produce as many as the average woman should in any given cycle. Josh and I decided that we were going to just keep it way simple this last solo cycle and we didn't do anything crazy. Well, he didn't, I decided to use my last 2 OPKs because they were just sitting there....LOL I was able to get a positive OPK when I was supposed to get it and entered the 2ww fully feeling like a failure.

About half way into the two week wait we went on a trail ride for the first time at RTR. I noticed that Magic was extra snuggly, but I also noticed the butterfly that landed right next to his groom box. I smiled and said hello to Declan, it stayed for a moment before it flew away, but while we were on the trail I swear I saw that same butterfly following us. I couldn't help, but smile thinking that Declan was watching over his mommy on her first real trail ride. At the end, while I was un-tacking Magic he rested his head right on my shoulder and nuzzled my face a bit. I'd never had a horsey hug like that, it was really nice.

The next week I started work at my new full time job in Seattle. It was pretty great, the commute isn't terrible and the people I work with are cool too. I even work with two former class mates. Thursday came around again and once again all Magic wanted to do was snuggle. He was even moving WAY slower than normal. We were supposed to be trying to trot the barrel pattern and it was almost like he refused to go fast. I didn't understand what his deal was. Did I forget to add that Thursday I had also decided to start the POAS crazy crap?? Yup, AF wasn't due until Saturday, but I started POAS Wednesday. They were of course negative, until they weren't......

Friday June 24th: I peed on yet another stick, but it wasn't negative, there was a line.....I ran into the kitchen crying and screaming about there being a line. Josh didn't see said line so I texted a few friends and they confirmed seeing the line. I was flipping out. I called my mom and told her, I called my RE and they wanted me to come in for a blood test first thing the next morning. I tried making it through my day without losing my shit, maybe it's a fluke. That night I bought a digital. It took everything in me to not take the test right away. I barely slept.

Saturday June 25th: I woke up about an hour before my alarm went off, laid in bed contemplating using the digital test. My POASaholic self couldn't refrain and I used the digital test. The 5 longest minutes passed and I checked the test, "PREGNANT" I had a little bit less of a freak out, Josh was still sleeping and I wanted to not be in tears when I told him I really was pregnant. That after 2 long years of trying on our own (minus the 4 cycles Dr Do Nothing gave me cloMAD) we now fall into the category of one of "THOSE" couples. My RE confirmed with a blood test.

I'm now 8 weeks pregnant and impatiently waiting for my 10 week ultrasound. We already had the 7 week ultrasound and we got to see Littlefoot's heartbeat which was amazing. We're calling the baby Littlefoot because a coworker said the animated version of what baby looks like kinda looks like a dinosaur. I've got a lot more hope than I did with my second loss. This one feels right, this time it actually feels like I'll get to bring a baby home. I'll finally get to stop chasing rainbows.

Our 2 year Anniversary

It's been two years since I started to TTC with Josh. Two unsuccessful years at trying to grow our family. Two heartbreaking, emotional, devastating years chasing my rainbow. So much has happened in these two years, we got engaged, broke up, got back together, got engaged again, started therapy together and apart, got better jobs, tried to buy a house, moved a few times, started working on us, took a short break from TTC, and then started again. It's been a wild ride, but we're still on this roller coaster of trying to have a baby. Josh will be the first one to tell you that it's a little harder on me than it is on him, but I can tell you it's just as hard on him. True he's not as hurt as I am when that bitch AF comes on time, or late, but he's still hurt. What hurts him is that I'm sad when we fail month after month. It takes a toll on him to see me break a little bit every time the realization hits that we're not going to be making that happy announcement this month. But we keep going, we keep trying, we say fuck you mother nature we're not giving up, we're going to grow this family and that is what makes us a great couple I think.

Infertility was never something that I thought I would struggle with. It only took 6 months to get pregnant with Declan and we weren't even trying to get pregnant with Alainn, she just kind of happened. So when Josh and I started this journey it never even occurred to me that I wouldn't get pregnant right away. I was so focused on being afraid of what might happen while pregnant that I didn't think of being afraid that I wouldn't be able to conceive on my own. Although for the first time in 2 years I'm ovulating on my own, it's still something we're struggling with. The past 3 months I've ovulated without medication and yet we're still not getting pregnant. But I've been keeping to the shadows about our journey. I used to be so vocal, but honestly I got so tired of hearing all the BS about how I needed to relax, I should lose weight, eat better, maybe I should adopt. That I stopped talking about how heartbroken I was that my hope was fading.

I know I shouldn't be silent about what I've been going through, I know I should tell the grief bullies and nay sayers, the unhelpful advice givers to just shut the front door, but honestly I've grown tired of being the one that says enough. I've gotten tired of having to explain that relaxing isn't going to help my body work, that adopting isn't financially feasible, that even fostering isn't something that I'm 100% certain I can emotionally handle. I'm not sure I can give back a child to parents that hurt them or abandoned them, I'm not sure I can give a child to a family because I can't afford to adopt. I can't afford to pay the medical bills of the wonderful friends that said they'd surrogate for me. I can't afford the IVF procedure for myself let alone someone else. The VA doesn't cover IVF, they barely cover IUI.

Although I've finally gotten a Dr willing to do what I ask, I'm still not sure that I'll ever have the happy ending that I'm longing for. I've gotten authorization to go to Seattle Reproductive Medicine. I've gotten authorization for several tests and 3 IUIs. Although there is renewed hope in this new course of action I'm still wary of really getting my hopes up that those 2 pink lines will ever equal sleepless nights and happy healthy babies. It's a painful realization that I'm not sure how to 100% get behind. I'm not sure I'll ever fully believe that I'll be anything more than an angel mom, but I'm also not 100% willing to give up hope either.

That's the give and take of infertility. Wanting to give up, but allowing hope to keep you going.

International Bereaved Mother's Day

So yesterday was a special day for Bereaved Mother's, but I bet no one noticed. It's not a trending topic on Facebook, it's not something that Hallmark will make a card for, and it's not something the retail community will make ads about. Bereaved Mother's day marks a bittersweet day for angel mommies everywhere. It's a day that recognizes us as mothers, a day that unites us in our never ending grief, but it's a day I know we'd all rather not be a part of because it means our babies aren't here to celebrate Mother's Day.

We're not going to get the cards, flowers, candy, or clumsy handmade gifts. My son won't be bringing me breakfast in bed and spilling juice everywhere. Mother's Day will likely pass without me being told Happy Mother's Day, because most people do not recognize that I am a mother even though my little Saint isn't here.

It's a painful day for me to get through. I send my love to my moms (cause I've got 3) and usually try to send them cards or big chocolate dipped strawberries (flowers die, strawberries are nom). Don't get my wrong, I LOVE my moms, I love they have a day to relax and be recognized for their hard work, but it's a sucky day for the childless.

Mother's Day is hard for me because I end up thinking about all the things that I could be getting and asking myself what would Declan get me? Would I have a day full of snuggles and movies, would we go to a fancy dinner, or picnic in the park? Would he give me a handmade gift or would he find something special in the student store? It's always a heartbreaking day for me. I will never stop wondering what my life would be like if he were still here.

So to recognize our grief, our loss, and remember us for being mother's International Bereaved Mother's Day has been growing in popularity. Though I feel, not for the right reason. Since 1 in 4 women will join our ranks as the bereaved, our special Mother's Day isn't growing in popularity because someone decided to recognize us, it's because there are many of us that are refusing to remain silent and letting others know it's okay to be proud of your Angel Mommy status. You're still a mommy if your child is in heaven instead of in your arms.

As an angel mommy we'll receive a different kind of gift that doesn't only come to us on Mother's Day. Our angels send us their love as the rain on our cheeks, the breeze through our hair, the sun on our skin, and the little critters that seem to stop and say hello. Declan likes to send me butterflies <3

So to all the bereaved mommies out there I'm here to tell you that your babies are not lost, they are here, always surrounding us in their love.

I wish us all a loving Bereaved Mother's Day and a gentle Happy Mother's Day.

Grief is not linear

As I sit here in a semi drunken stupor, I'm left thinking about things that have happened to me in the last year that really shouldn't have happened. I mean there are a plethora of things in my life that have happened that shouldn't have, but in the last few years I've run into too many situations and took part in too many conversations that have dictated to me what should happen with my grief.

My marriage ended ultimately because we couldn't come to terms on what grief should look like. I didn't agree with his drinking to dull the pain and he didn't agree with my need to talk about what happened.

I lost a friend because he believed that I should be able to just get over the death of my son. I shouldn't be sad on days that are difficult to me. I should just be happy and stop thinking about how hard it really is to breathe somedays.

My therapist told me that after 6 years I shouldn't be having nightmares and should be over Declan. His birthday shouldn't affect me so much. He even said I needed more therapy to get over it.

Too many times people who grieve are told how they should do so and I think it's bullshit. There is no  timeline for grief. There is a only new normal for those who've gone through any earth shattering type of loss. Why is it okay to tell people they should be over something that rocked their very core? Why is it okay to tell people they should just forget the pain of something that killed them inside?

A very big part of me died when Declan died. A part of me that will never be resurrected. A part of me that will never be the same. I will never again be that blissfully ignorant little girl that believed she was safe. I did everything right, I didn't take unnecessary risks, I took care of myself so why would I have to worry about pregnancy loss? I mean that doesn't happen when you're in the 3rd trimester right???

I wish I could be that little girl again. I wish I could go back to the person I was before I had to say hello and goodbye to my first son, my beautiful little boy whom I would never get to see grow up, never get to hear him laugh or cry, never get to hold again once the nurse took him away.

Why is it okay to tell a grieving mother that maybe it was God's will?
Why is it okay to tell a grieving mother that she shouldn't worry because she can have more?
Why is it okay to tell a grieving mother that she shouldn't be sad because she should focus on the children she has?
Why is it okay to tell a grieving mother that she shouldn't be sad because the baby wasn't a person anyway, it was too early to mean anything?
Why is it okay to say all these terrible things to a grieving mother, but it's not okay for us to say the same to grieving siblings? Grieving children? Grieving spouses?

If you follow that logic then you should be able tell a grieving child they shouldn't be sad their parent died because they have two. When people look at it that way they should understand how asinine that line of thinking really is and therefore they should take a step back and really look at how grieving parents are treated.

How different would the world be if people understood that grief is not linear, it's not the same for every person, it's not the same for every situation, and it should never be dictated to someone how long their grief should last?

There are so many different things that are lost when you lose a child.

You lose the future, you lose the birthdays, mother's days, father's days, holidays, you lose first days of life, first laugh, first tears, first steps, first teeth, first words, first day of school, graduations, first jobs, first cars, first dates, first heart breaks. Father's miss walking their daughters down the isle, mother's miss watching their son marry the love of their lives. You lose every milestone and if you're unlucky enough to be pregnant with someone who is lucky enough to get to take their child home, then you get to see everything their child gets to do that yours doesn't. It hits your heart hard and breaks your soul deeper each time you see a post about those things your child doesn't get to experience. If you hear their name randomly your heart stops and you are left wondering, would your child have the same type of personality?

So unless you've walked the walk, unless you've had the same heartbreak you have no room to talk. Unless you've had to wear the heavy shoes of grief that stems from the loss of a child you will never understand and you have no right to tell me how I should be grieving.

To be perfectly honest I envy the ignorance of those who've never had to go through this type of loss. It's not something that I would wish on my worst enemy. But if you find yourself the unlucky member of this horrible club you'll find that you are not alone. You are surrounded by love and understanding.

To those unlucky and very loved members I impart this wisdom.

This is your new normal, you will never be the same person you were the day before tragedy struck. It is okay to scream, it is okay to cry, it is okay to laugh, it is okay to smile, it is okay to be okay. And on those days where you find it hard to function, take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute if you have to, and it is perfectly okay if all you did in a day is breathe.

Never let anyone dictate the way you should grieve. Loss isn't something you just get over, it's not a cold that you take a pill for, you're going to be perfectly okay for days, weeks, or even months at a time, then suddenly, out of no where, you'll find yourself hugging your knees screaming in your pillow, and you'll feel like your world is ending. Honestly it doesn't take much to derail your "I'm okay" train, but when it happens, weather it's been 3 weeks, 3 months, 3 years or 10 since your loss, it is okay to feel. It is okay to grieve. And if anyone tells you it's wrong, punch them in the face, get some ice cream and a bottle of wine and move on from their negativity.

Learning to dance in the rain

It's amazing what a difference a change in doctors can do for a woman's mental health. Especially this woman's mental health when it deals with TTC. I've got a new ob and she is AMAZING! She has done more for me in 3 months than Dr Do Nothing did in 16!!! I've already gotten blood tests to rule out PCOS, I saw the RE had an ultrasound done to officially rule it out, and I got the CD 3 panel done. I'm waiting on the results, but I'm expecting normal results since that's how everything ends up for me.

I'm all at once happy and sad to hear that my body is normal. Happy because well nothing is wrong with me and sad because if I am normal it means there is nothing to fix. It means that there is absolutely no reason why I can't get pregnant on my own. It means that I fall into the unexplained infertility category which sucks because how can you fix something when you don't know what's broken??

But this time around I'm keeping the faith. I'm not getting crazy with the TTC stuff, no OPKs, no temping, no tracking ovulation, no freaking out about how many DPO I am, and defiantly no POAS before AF is even due. Oh and NO freaking clomad!! (Josh is very happy about that part alone). The lack of stressing about all that crap combined with me going back on my mood stabilizers and getting a Dr who is worth the title have all contributed to my positive outlook on this whole process.

I know eventually I'll get pregnant, I'll know eventually I'll get my permanent rainbow. But the question still lingers in my mind, in my heart, in my soul.....

How long will I be waiting??

And the journey continues again

So it's already been an eventful new year. Josh and I decided to make a go at the TTC process. I saw my Dr and she's willing to do everything I want to get pregnant. So she already ran all the tests, which came back normal (Grr), and referred me to Madigan's RE. I've got an appointment with Madigan all set for February 22nd.

I'm all at once hopeful and nervous. This means that I have a chance to actually get pregnant. I'll be surrounded by nothing but people that want to help figure out why my body doesn't want to do what it's supposed to do, which is something that I'm still struggling with.

I got my IUD removed in December, I had my first cycle normally, had all the signs of ovulation at the right time, then AF decided to come way too early. I knew that getting back on a regular cycle was too good to be true, but I let myself get hopeful anyway. Now I'm jumping back into tracking my cycle via temping. I didn't want to jump back into the tracking thing so quickly since we're supposed to be "not trying, not preventing" but seeing as this may be the only way to know when to expect AF, I've got no other choice.

I'm still so frustrated with this whole process. I wish I could just snap my fingers and get pregnant. It's driving me insane watching all of my younger family have baby after baby when they can't afford to put a roof over their own heads, while I sit here infertile and praying that just once I could get and stay pregnant. I wish I could just have a healthy baby. I wish I could stop having to survive my life.

Our Hope Endures - Natalie Grant

Letting go

The more and more I think about this, the more depressed I become. How do you just walk away from something when it's all you've ever wanted?

I'm sitting here trying to learn how to let go of wanting to try for a baby, of wanting to plan a wedding, of pretty much everything that I've ever wanted out of life. I'm doing all of this while also trying to figure out why my life took such a drastic turn and how I let my happiness become contingent upon things that I had previously convinced myself would never happen.

When Bryan left I was certain that I would never find love again, that I would never get married and have the babies that I longed to hold. Josh came and changed all that, I found myself in love and believing in forever. Then everything came to a screeching halt and here I am trying to figure out how to get things going again. But I can't because the things I want have to be the things that he wants, and he's not sure what he wants right now. The only thing he's really sure of is that he loves me and wants to be with me, but he's no longer sure when he wants kids or to get married.

It's frustrating. I got to call him my fiancé for all of 3 weeks then nothing. Then back to the beginning we go and I'm once again wondering if forever is real, if I'll ever hold a child of my own in my arms, if I'll ever get to walk down the aisle with my dad to the man of my dreams.

How do I let go of my dreams when they're all I've ever wanted?

Happy for you, sad for me

So I've been thinking of how to get this out, it's been said by many other people before me, but I'm not sure that my friends and family really see that it applies to me. My life feels like it's been thrown into a blender and I'm trying to put all the pieces back together. It's working slowly, but it's working. But I need everyone to be patient with me, especially when you share happy news.

I need you to know that when I say that I am happy for you, I truly am happy for you, but at the same time whatever happy news you may have (wedding, engagement, buying a house, getting pregnant, having a baby) breaks my heart just a little bit. Seeing happy updates on house hunting, birth announcements, belly pics, pregnancy announcements, they all simultaneously make me super happy and incredibly sad. 

But I'm not sad because I'm jealous, I'm not sad because I'm unsupportive, I'm sad because my dreams haven't come true yet and all I've ever known is loss. 

• You post your engagement or marriage. I recently ended my engagement to Mr. Right after only 3 weeks. I had my dress, date, venue all picked out, but then it was over and now I'm left trying to stitch our relationship back together. I'm left waiting and wondering if we'll get there again.

• You post your purchase of a house. Mine fell through twice and I'm no where near trying again.

• You post your birth announcement, belly shots, pregnancy announcement. I've lost every pregnancy I had, I fought my Dr and my body for 16 months only to have to go back on birth control with no idea when I'll ever be able to try again. And if I'm able to try again I'm not sure that I'll ever be pregnant again, I'd give anything for those symptoms you complain about if it meant I'd get to have a living child.  

• You post your first day of school photos. I'm left wondering what my son would've done on his first day of school. Instead I had to say hello and goodbye in the same breath. I'm left wondering what Declan and Alainn would've done at school, what silly things would they say, would they like school or would they cry to be away from mommy?

So please don't take my silence or failure to like your status update as my not being supportive of your happy news. I am truly and genuinely happy for you that your dreams are coming true and I'll be there for you all no matter what, I always have been and I always will be. But I'm sad that all the dreams that I have, are still just dreams. They're still just something I wonder if I'll ever have and that breaks me into so many tiny pieces that I'm not sure I'll ever be whole again. 

My nightmare

Depression is a nightmare. It's like a mold that you can't get rid of and keeps growing back even though you've tried basically everything except for burning the house down. It's some how able to get into every crack and grow, breeding doubt and negativity like a wildfire. If you think depression only effects the person who owns the diagnosis you're wrong, depression attacks everyone remotely close to the afflicted. Depression might not be contagious, but it touches everyone. It's the reason why my life is the way that it is right now.

I live with depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I have nightmares, panic attacks for no reason, and I have days where I can't get out of bed to do anything more than go to the bathroom. Lately I haven't really even wanted to eat. I don't even get hungry. I just want to sit in bed and mess around with my Facebook games or chat with my friends on Babycenter. Somedays I don't even want to chat with my BBC friends.

I was medicated for a while and things were better, I made sure that I was on a high enough dose for it to work, but not so high that I was a happy zombie. I found a medication that worked and the only reason I got off of it was because my Dr didn't like the idea of me being on it if I got pregnant. With everything going on lately and how I've been feeling I started doing some digging and found out that it's actually the safest med to be on while pregnant. I could've stayed on my meds. Maybe then I wouldn't be the mess that I am today, but you know hind sight is 20/20.

I'm really hoping that the VA lets me stay on the medication that I was on before and doesn't try to change anything. I just want to go with what I know works, something that made me feel so much better before. Because without the meds the only thing that keeps the monsters at bay is Josh. He's like a flashlight for my head. He silences my demons. Let's me know I'm being silly when I start to freak out. He's so supportive and patient with me, I'm not sure what I ever did to deserve him. We video chatted two days ago, texted last night, and for the first time since this whole mess started I got a nightmare free sleep. It was a nice reprieve from the dark dreams. Dreams of loss and being left in the dark empty room where I feel ominous eyes watching me and waiting. If I'm lucky when I wake the feeling goes away, but most days I'm not lucky.

Oh what a difference a day can make

I sit here typing in an empty room wondering how the hell everything flipped on its head....again. Once again I find myself on the brink of being single. I don't know what he's going to choose, I mean I do, but I'm still trying to hold on to some type of hope that he'll be back because he promised to give it thought until he got back from Portland. But I knew, last night as he held me, as he kissed me this morning, it felt like goodbye. Monday he was contacting friends to be his groomsmen and today he's packing up all of his things and leaving. I'm not sure if it's permanent or if it's temporary, but I do know that I'll need to dig deep and find strength either way. If he comes back can I trust that he'll stay?

I can understand why he's running even if he doesn't. It all became too much to handle and instead of talking to me about it he let it all build up and turn into this. It's my fault for trying to do too many things at once. I mean it was even a lot for me to deal with! Trying to have a baby, buy a house, and plan a wedding all at the same time was giving me anxiety. Top that off with him being treated with less than the respect he deserves by my own brother and BAM! Perfect storm of heartbreak.

So here I sit, listening to the whirl of the ceiling fan, wondering if he'll be back and wondering if I'll see those 2 lovely lines next week. Because on top of everything I could be pregnant. With the way my luck is I won't be, but you never know. We had great coverage, I had 2 strong positive days of OPKs followed by a strong ovulation pain, and my temp is looking amazing. So I'm sitting here wondering if I'm going to end up a single mom. I know I can do it, I have lots of help from family and friends, I know Josh will be involved. But I'm not telling him right away. I know that makes me sound like a mega bitch, but honestly if I told him right away he'd come back. He'd do the right thing and give his kid a two parent household and then over the years he'd grow to resent me, then I'd grow to resent him because I'd know he wasn't in the relationship because he wanted to be with me, so in the end we'd be right where we are now. So I'm going to wait.

If it came down to it, if he comes back, I'd be willing to put EVERYTHING on hold and start getting back to doing the things that we used to do. I'd help my brother and his girlfriend get their own place so Josh and I can get back to being only us. It was pretty nice when it was only us and we had a lot of fun. I think, if given the chance, we could get back to that pretty easily because he says that he still loves me and that's really the only base you need.

So instead of getting upset that he didn't tell me he was grabbing all of his things, instead of blowing up his phone with calls and texts, instead of having other people do the same thing, I'm going to sit in this quiet room and take everything day by day and hope for fucking best.

I hate the wait!

I hate hate hate the two week wait. I wish there was a way to know right away whether or not I'm pregnant a few days after I ovulate. As Monday grows closer I just want to hide myself away with a bottle of wine and a crate full of brownies, because as Monday grows closer I'm reminded that I should have an almost 4 year old and an almost 6 year old. And because I'm in the two week wait I have to refrain from drinking the wine that is calling my name. I really hope this the last two week wait that I have to endure. I'm testing Monday, I'll be 9 DPO, and I'm really hoping that I'll finally get my rainbow.

A missing piece

I realized a bit ago that I haven't posted in a while, then I thought about what to write because it's been much of the same crap. I'm on clomid round 3, CD 16 waiting for FF to give me those elusive cross hairs.

Then I realized what I needed to really talk about.

Today while I was sitting in church listening to pastor talk about what it means to be a member of the church I felt this sudden desire to be baptized. Now I'm not one to shove my faith down anyone's throat. I know I rarely talk about my relationship with God because of how rough it's been. For a long time I struggled with my faith. I was very very angry at God after losing Declan, after my second miscarriage, after Bryan left me for someone else. I struggled with wondering if God really loved me or if I was being punished for some unknown crime against Him. I felt broken and betrayed by God for everything that I had been through.

Finally my really good friend and fellow angel mommy Kristi persuaded me to go to church with her, the sermon that day was about how much God loves us. I was in tears the entire time pastor spoke. I made Kristi promise that she hadn't talked to pastor about me and she didn't. What happened was God was telling me what I needed to hear. That he loved me, no matter what, and that day I let Him in, and accepted him into my heart.

After Kristi left and I moved to Seattle I once again struggled to find my place. Then I found Josh, I found love, and I found the will to try again. Then I found out the heartbreak that is infertility. During our long struggle with trying to have a baby I started to feel that something was missing from my life. I felt a strong desire to go back to church, I searched and searched online for a church that I could go to, but it wasn't long after I started searching that I got a call from Kristi that she's coming back to WA and they're going to be working within the church that she'd gotten me to go to before. I felt it was yet another sign from God and decided to go back, this time Josh joined me.

After our first Sunday I asked Kristi how do I become a real member of the church, she started telling me things to do, but the real thing that spoke to me was the sermon the next time we went, it was all about how to be a good church member. It amazed me, every question I asked felt like it was being answered. And today as I sat there listening to the final sermon on how to be a church member did God speak to me again. That when I come to God, when I pray, I can't exert my will, I have to ask for HIS will to be done. It was then I knew that I needed to be baptized, I needed to fully surrender myself and give my heart and my troubles to God. So on August 2nd at Calvary Baptist Church, I will be baptized. This decision has made me feel as though a piece that was missing has been found. I know that I have a long ways to go, but I feel that I am on the right path and I can't wait to see what this new chapter in my life brings.

Unfair

I am so tired. I got a tooth pulled today and took a Vicodin for the pain. Taking the med made me incredibly sad, why you ask? Because you're not supposed to take that medication while you're pregnant, I am not pregnant and am allowed to take it which makes me sad. I just want to be pregnant. But it's like the universe is laughing at me, I look at Facebook and just feel like crying at all the pregnancy announcements, there's a new feature that shows you everything you posted on that day up to like 6 years ago. Do you know what I posted 4 years ago today? My pregnancy announcement for Alainn, then less than a month later I am having to un-tell everyone. It fucking sucks.

So I'm in the two week wait, waiting for fertility friend to confirm my ovulation by giving me cross hairs, I got the positive OPKs and temp dips, but my rise is happening slowly. I don't really know why, maybe it's because I got my hopes up too high last cycle, but I don't feel like I'm going to be getting my BFP this time around. I am really hoping that I do, because then my due date would be around Stephen's birthday and I would love the tribute to him. But at the same time I just know it's not going to happen. I've pretty much felt this way since day 3 of the clomid RX. I wish this was easier, I wish the people that got pregnant easily were the ones that actually wanted to be that way. This whole process is incredibly unfair and I'm really starting to have another crisis of faith.

It's always maybe

I don't even know where to begin with this. I got myself so excited and happy, but then something clicked a few days ago that this will not be the cycle I'll see those two lovely lines. This won't be the cycle that gets me my ever sought after take home rainbow. I wasn't sure if it was just a defense mechinism that my brain decided to deploy because I was so close to the end of my arduous two week wait. My fears of a true BFN have almost certinly been confirmed, I started spotting a little yesterday, a little more this morning, a temp dive, and pretty much continuous cramping today. I've given up hope for this cycle even though AF is still a few days away. Something in me just knows.

In the past few days there have been at least 4 BFPs in four of the five groups that I'm very active in, though I'm extremely happy for these ladies, it makes me incredibly sad for me. I've been trying so hard for so long and to see others get what I've longed for and was so close to getting almost 6 years ago just breaks me on the inside. Jealousy is ugly I know, but it's not quite jealousy. It's more of me just wondering when I'll get to stop trying? When will I get to have what I've longed for my entire life? Last night I posted my genuine congrats to a fellow angel mommy who posted her BFP and then collapsed into Josh's lap and sobbed. I feel broken, I feel like a failure. This is my one job as a woman, to carry a child, to create life, give my boyfriend a son to carry on his last name, and I can't seem to be able to do it!

All of this, all of it should be made easier by my Dr, but nope. You would think my Dr would see my back to back anovulatory cycles and take immediate action, nope she made me wait. Then once she finally takes action you would think maybe then she'd do everything in her power to get me pregnant, nope again. I've got to wait longer each time even though there are effective and proven ways to make this happen. I have to go through so much and have to fight my Dr so hard just to get pregnant. I am so very very grateful that I'm a veteran and that I don't have to deal with this woman once I finally get pregnant. When I finally get pregnant I'll then be allowed to choose where I want to go for treatment. I've almost 100% chosen Swedish because of it's proximity to Josh's work, but Tacoma General would be much closer to where we're going to be living. Guess I have time to figure that out now.

So now I'm just waiting for AF to show her ugly face, I guess I still have a few days to hope she doesn't show up. Maybe the spotting was implantation and I'll see a BFP in a day or two. Maybe. It's always maybe. Someone needs to invent a device that lets you know right away if you're pregnant or not a few days after you ovulate, that would be so much easier than 2 weeks of wondering if you can safely have that beer or nah I've got a bun in the oven beer wouldn't mix well with the recipe. 

This is taking forever

I finally got to start the clomid. I took CD5-9 as directed and started testing with OPKs on CD10. I finally got to see the line darken and go to almost positive on the CD12 and 13. Temp dip indicated that I actually ovulated on CD14. So here I am CD18 and 4DPO. The wait is killing me. I want to test so badly, but I know it'll just be a BFN. I wouldn't be able to see anything until I'm at least 12DPO which is NEXT Sunday. I know it's only a week, but I've been waiting for a take home baby for almost 6 years now. Having to wait a whole other week feels like an eternity.

I spoke with my Dr yesterday and thanks to the positive OPK she's decided that keeping me on 50mg of clomid is the best course of action for now. She's also finally in agreement that I very likely have a mild case of Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. Although I'm happy that I've finally got a diagnosis and a reason to why my body doesn't want to get pregnant, I am also upset that it took her this long to believe that there IS something wrong with me. I've had signs of PCOS since October and this whole time that I was fighting her to do something was unnecessary. She should've done something months ago, then maybe instead of waiting to pee on a stick I could be waiting to deliver my rainbow baby. It's just not fair that she put me through all those months of heartache and disappointment.

But that's okay, because now I'm halfway into the 2 week wait and really excited to see those two pink lines.

Someday

Pretty much all of our lives we've been told that sex makes babies. If you have sex unprotected just once you'll get pregnant. That's what they've stressed to us through out middle school and high school and even while I was in the Marines. During our weekly weekend safety briefs we would always be told to use protection unless we wanted to add another dependent to our records. I quickly found out when Bryan and I started TTC for Declan that it wasn't the case. I found out that sometimes it can take a while. When you're younger than 30 it can take up to 6 months to almost a year before you can get pregnant and you only have a 15% chance of getting pregnant each month, then you have a 1 in 6 chance of making it through the first trimester, then your chances get better, but by no means is there such thing as a safe zone.

With that being said yes I know I'm only 30, but I'm dealing with irregular periods and no obvious signs of ovulation. This makes me infertile Mertle. This makes it to where just having sex and tracking my cycles aren't going to equal baby for me. I thought perhaps after the HSG I would have a miracle BFP and of course I got my hopes up way way too far because here I am super exhausted on CD 2 wishing I hadn't spent so much on those damn HPTs. I hate stupid long cycles.

So yeah CD 2 means that I will have to take the clomid in 3 days. That means that I have an increased chance at conception because I will for sure ovulate and I have a 10% chance at having twins. The really scary part here is that if I'm successful on the first round I'll have another February due date. It's mildly terrifying to know that I'll be going through almost the exact same timeline that I went through  with my miscarriage. I sit here staring at the packet of pills wondering if all of this crap is worth it. Then I remember the dream that I had (a first of it's kind) where I was snuggling a baby that I actually gave birth to, he was mine and mine alone, and I woke up not feeling sad like I had expected to, but feeling like maybe just maybe I'll actually have that happen. Someone will look at the adorable little squishy chunky baby in my arms and comment on their cuteness, and I'll be able to respond like a proud momma.

Someday everything that I've been though will be worth all of this pain. So on the days I feel terrible, I just need to remember that dream and keep holding on to someday.....

A place to call home

I had been house hunting for a few months when my real estate agent told me about a place that fit all my criteria and was close to Seattle. I saw the photos online and was very excited to see it in person, but when I did I fell in love with the house. 4 bedrooms, 2 full bathrooms, 1800 square feet, nice sized yard, garage, gazebo with a hot tub. It was perfect. I got with the lender I had been working with and started the process of getting the pre-approval letter. I started getting to work on all the things he said that I needed in order to get the final approval. I drained my savings, paid things off, and waited for it all to post to my credit so that we could close on the house. That's when we started having problems with the lenders. They were dragging their feet, instead of requesting a rapid rescore, they wanted things to update naturally, well some things take longer than others and that combined with the underwriters not liking my part-time job (even though it's responsible for less than 1/4 of my income) resulted in my not getting a loan. I changed lenders, the new guy is telling me he can make the loan work, I need to do a few more things, he'll do a rapid rescore, but he needs 30 more days added to the closing date. Thanks to the old lenders we had already needed to extend once, so the sellers of the home refused to extend again unless I paid their lot rent for the month of May. Since the seller of the land was refusing to pay closing costs and I was paying more money to fix things, we decided it was just too much and moved on to looking for a new home. I'm currently waiting for my earnest money back. It sucks I really liked that house.

So this past week has been filled with looking at house after house via my agent and redfin. I would find a house I like, but it wouldn't go VA, he'd send me a house that would, but it'd be too small. I am trying to get a house that I can live in forever and a 2 bedroom won't cut it. I got a new email that had a 2 bedroom, really nice outside, the difference between this one and the others is that the basement is partially furnished and adds almost 1000 more square feet to the house. I can live with that. Then last night I was browsing again and saw a new listing. I've fallen in love with the photos, then fell even deeper when I saw it'll go VA. It's a 4/5 bedroom 2 bathroom house with a large yard and 2 car garage. I can't wait until 430. We set up a showing for this weekend. I just really hope that the houses don't let me down, I need a place to call home and raise my rainbow babies.

Finally something!

Finally Dr Do Nothing has agreed to do SOMETHING!!

I tried to call her with Josh's test results yesterday, but she was out of the office. I tried again this morning and had to leave another message with the nurse. She finally called me back this afternoon. 

She told me how the HSG results were normal and I told her that Josh's SA came back normal and that I'm still getting negative OPKs. She then said, "With the normal test results from your boyfriend and HSG combined with your lack of positive OPK I do believe you're not ovulating and feel comfortable moving forward with clomid." 

I kind of wanted to be snarky and say, "Well No Shit, I've been using these damn OPKs for 6 months now and haven't seen a single one of them turn positive" but I decided to be nice since she's finally doing something helpful. She told me that in order to get the actual prescription that I need to have a pelvic exam done so I made an appointment for Tuesday at 3 PM.

I'm so excited for this appointment. My wonderful friend Maggie thinks I'm already pregnant though so we'll see if I even need the clomid now, but I'll at least have it for when AF decides to show up. 

Oh I think I should tell you why lovely Maggie thinks I am prego already. My temp has actually done something, I might be having O or implantation spotting, and my OPKs are still negative, but have lines on them. So I'm either pregnant right now or having a really late ovulation or AF is teasing me. Either way unless she shows up test day is May 1st. 

In other news I finally got a 100% answer on the house for the lender. It's a no because they don't like that my job is part time, even though I've got more than enough income to pay the bills. However, though I'm upset I can't move in next week, I have found backup lending and will be moving forward with another company altogether. They've pretty much promised a yes as long as my credit score jumps 13 points. I wish they could just use the highest score available instead of the middle score, my life would be so much easier. ugh. So the upside is that I might still be able to get my house, but the downside is it might take another month, so we're all stuck in this crappy apartment with shitty neighbors for at least 30 more days. I really need this house to go through. 

I will die of happiness overload if I end up getting a rainbow BFP and the house I want in the same month though. It'll be the best thing to happen to me in years!!

I guess we'll see what happens though. Until then, I just got more OPKs and I gotta tinkle ;-) 

Just relax it'll happen

Infertility is a disease. It's not something that can just get better when you relax. Something that gets better when you relax is a bowel movement or a headache NOT infertility. My ovaries will not suddenly say "oh this bitch finally relaxed let's start doing our job." That's not how this works, it's not how any of this works, and although the person who says "just relax" may be trying to help, it's actually really insulting. I tried relaxing, for the first 6 months I was actually pretty relaxed. I tried not to freak out that my periods were a little wonky or that I would randomly bleed in the middle of my cycle. My Dr said it was normal so I didn't freak out. I did however start to freak out when I randomly out of no where have a 44 day cycle. I think I spent over $100 on pregnancy tests, because why else would my period be THAT late. Since then it's been anyone's guess as to when AF will show up.

If stress was the cause of my irregular periods then why did it just start messing with my life now? Why didn't I have irregular periods when my ex was mentally and physically abusing me for 8.5 years? Why did my period shoot right back to where it was after each loss or when I moved or when my ex finally left or when I was so broke that I couldn't afford to eat and lost 30 pounds in 3 months?

I honestly and whole hearted believe that my problems are caused by the birth control that I was on. My body has never responded very well to birth control. I gained weight on Mirena, I was on it for a little under a year until Josh and I started talking kids so I switched to Paraguard so that I can start tracking my periods. Well my period was so intense and heavy that I had to stop after 5 months. Since then my period hasn't been the same. No matter how much I "relax"

I have been through more stress in my life than what I'm going through now. The crap that I've been through lately pales in comparison to the stress that I've been through in my life, so telling me to relax won't help because it's not the root cause of my issues.

Declan Bear

I recently discovered a place that makes custom teddy bears that are the same weight of your baby. They're made for those who have experienced loss. So that we finally have something to hold onto. I ordered mine last week and my Declan bear got here yesterday. I was so excited when the box arrived. I opened the box with the same anticipation as a kid on Christmas and as soon as I got him in my arms I burst into tears. I immediately was thrown back into that hospital room holding my handsome boy. 7 pounds 10.2 ounces. I missed holding him so much. I forgot what it felt like and now I have something to snuggle whenever I want.

Although my bear will never replace what I lost, but just having him has been so very helpful. I just can't put him down. I held him all day while I watched tv and yes I even slept with him. It's the best I've slept in a really long time.

I'm so very glad that I got my Declan Bear and I am sad that the creator of Alexa Bears has suffered the same fate that I had with my little boy, but I am so very thankful for her willingness to make these bears. Without her I wouldn't have been able to hold my darling boy in my arms one more time. Without her I would only be able to hold him in my memory. I have always felt so guilty for not holding Declan longer than I did and now I can feel like I am holding him again. <3